on tuesday

can't wait til tuesday. arvin will take a day off from work. that means more time together. we don't have to be home after lunch when we go out. but i would have to take my written exam for driving. i really have to na. it's long over due. hahaha. and i would wear the blouse arvin got me for luck. hehehe. hope it works! after that, i don't know na what we'll do but i'm sure i'm gonna have a great time with my sweetie... as always!!! i'll make kwento! promise. and pictures to follow!

Arvin Updates

Arvin is back from New York. Actually. Last Sunday pa. We were supposed to meet at the airport since my brother left for the Philippines around the same time Arvin’s plane for New York landed. Unfortunately, it took him awhile to get out from the terminal. I just called him as soon as I got home.

Of course, I was really happy to know that he’s back. The whole time that he was in New York, I tried not to make him kulit and drama so that he’ll be able to enjoy his vacation but then on the last day of his stay there, ayan na… I couldn’t stand it anymore that I got paranoid already thinking that he had too much fun there and he wouldn’t want to be with me anymore. Hehehe. Psycho!!! But I so missed him a lot that for a moment, I felt so stupid for allowing him to leave. I could have at least insisted that he got on the earlier flight back to L.A.

Well, he did assure me naman that he missed me a lot as well. He never failed to mention wanting and wishing that I was there with him.

When we were talking, he said it right away that he’ll come see me tomorrow. He just wishes that his mom wouldn’t ask him to do anything cause “he misses his baby so much.” When he said that, I got so kilig na. Babaw no?! But the way kasi he said it… Ay! Sweet, sweet, sweet…

So, I woke up the following morning really excited… to see him of course, to be with him (1 week din yon! 1 whole week of not seeing each other), and to hear his stories. I wasn’t expecting any surprises anymore. For me, it was enough that we’ll be able to spend sometime together. But, by now, I’m sure that you know na Arvin. And… He always has his ways of surprising me. Ay…

Ok, he started by saying that he wasn’t able to get anyone anything from New York because whatever’s there could be bought in L.A. too. Make sense! Plus, he doesn’t have that much to spend anymore. $300 na for his airfare palang. Lastly, he didn’t have the time to shop since he was pretty much out the whole time. Yeah, I so know what he means. He’s in New York to forget L.A. for awhile tapos he’ll think of people in L.A. pa rin?! Hehehe.

We went to a Thai restaurant along Pacific Coast Highway. At the parking lot, he made me stay on my seat and play with Patrick. He then went to my side and gave me this paper bag… He made me open it and it was a mug from Serendipity. Ay!!! It’s like he made me want to feel that I was there too. Then I thought that was it na. He went to the back of his car again and got something. It was another paper bag. At first, he took out the letter and skirt my friend Dice sent me then he made look through the gift tissue that was keeping this really beautiful blouse he got for me. I hugged him when I saw it. Hello?! Ilang lang bang guys ang willing na pumunta sa store ng damit ng mga babae to get something? And he saw this blouse by the window and said, he has to get it for me! He really has to! And of course, he knew my size! Galing manghula ah… Here pa, I saw a blouse just like the one he got me the day before and I told myself na I want one then before my very eyes, is a blouse from my Sweetie. You think that was the last of it? Come on, you know Arvin better than that. Hehehe. He had a rose for me. Oh yeah, he had a stuffed animal for Patrick.

So during lunch, we looked like a family. Hehehe. Instead of getting a table for two, it was a table for two adults and a baby. While I was holding Patrick, Arvin would cut my food into smaller pieces so that it would be easier for me eat it. Sometimes, susubuan pa ako.

There was a moment then that you’ll hear the three of us laughing at the corner of the restaurant. Arvin would carry Patrick then I would tickle Patrick. And Patrick would giggle so loud that it was contagious. Hahaha. I now wish someone was taking a video of us cause these are the moments I know I’d want to cherish forever.

After the lunch we went to Huntington Beach. Patrick was sleeping the whole time while Arvin and I was just sitting on the car, watching people pass by, just enjoying each other’s company and having some quality time together… no worries, no pressure just relaxing and taking things as they come. We don’t get to do that often, right? And being with him, it couldn’t get any better than that.

My 100th Post

It’s so amazing how much I’ve shared in this blog. I know I haven’t been posting as much as I used to and I really feel guilty for abandoning it for awhile but I’m back. I’m not promising anything though. I just like everyone know that I’m still here. Thanks to those who still visits my blog and even leaves messages inspite of my absence.

thoughts running around

For the past month and a half, surprises came falling from the sky like raindrops… a portion of good ones and a dose of not really bad but rather unsolicited circumstances. These events took place like lightning that for a number of them, it was hard to recognize its reality. It’s not that I’m denying their existence but some are just plain overwhelming. I never thought that several enormous undertakings could happen to a person in such a short period of time.

I now take a deep breath… with the intention of slowing things down, for a change. I hope I haven’t overlooked on certain details, especially the really important ones. I usually get carried away that I fail to ponder on the consequences of my words, actions, including my decisions. Nevertheless, I still take full responsibility if the situation calls for it.

It’s funny how I ‘m often perceived as someone who thinks too much. Well, maybe I do but just not the things that I should be deeming on.

Now, I find myself in a state of confusion whether I should or shouldn’t be concerned about how my life has been. They say don’t dwell too much on the past but isn’t the past what makes who you are now and would probably have a big effect on your future as well? I wouldn’t say that my past was that terrible. I had my ups, my highs, my good days, my happy days and of course those moments that feel so great I could hardly find the words to explain or even describe it. But I also have to admit that I’ve committed some lapses as well and some of which are so life changing.

I wonder, how exactly do I move on? How do I let go of the past? I do like what’s going on with my life now but the past haunts me in a rather odd way. When I’m happy, I’m scared that it won’t last like the other good things I had before. When I’m down, I feel like a fool for putting myself in that kind of situation again and again. Yes, life is a cycle but does it mean that the now is a mere repetition of the before? I hope not.

So, what is this whole post all about? I seriously am not sure. These are just some random thoughts that I had to write down for now. I couldn’t just tell these to someone; especially Arvin for it might lead to more perplexity. I guess this is just one of those nights when my thoughts are running around like crazy. But like the song playing on this blog right now is saying, it is such a wonderful world. And I think I had to meet Arvin to grasp that.

Happy weekend!!!

arvin in new york

arvin calls me every now and then. i think he calls me when he sees something or goes to a place that he knows i'd like.

he went to serendipity (the restaurant in the movie "serendipity"). i'm surprised that he still remembers... i was watching that movie when we were just "starting" and i told him i so love that movie. he also called me when he saw a fountain and again asked me to make a wish. and lastly he called to tell me that he ate at this really nice place in new jersey which was on the middle of the water with a good view of new york. ayyy... i'm starting to really miss him. i wish we could go there together but i would have to save up for that. we have to wait til next year. hehehe.

make his wish come true

i was at south coast plaza this afternoon. it just so happen that i was standing by the rails on the second floor and saw a water fountain at the lower level. i was talking to arvin who was and still is in new york. i then said, "make a wish, make a wish. i'll toss a coin for you." so he did, and i tossed the coin. funny thing is that it didn't go to the water. it landed on the tiles that surrounded the fountain. i had to run down stairs, get the coin, toss it again and "make his wish come true." whatever his wish was, i wish it comes true...

make a wish

arvin called while he was sitting by a fountain. he then told me to make a wish then he will toss a coin for me. i then closed my eyes, wished really hard... i asked him, "you think it will be answered?", he said "i don't know."

what was my wish? this time, i'll just keep it to myself.

Under a clear sky and a million stars…

I looked into his eyes that night… I wanted to make sure that what I feel for him is real and not just make-believe. I wouldn’t want to make a big fool of myself again. I don’t want to look back at this day sometime in the future and say, it was nothing more than infatuation. He didn’t have to say anything. He just had to hold my hand and that was enough to assure me that he is for real. I am not dreaming.

Yes, I am in love with him for many reasons but I am not making a list of these reasons. I just love him, everything about him. And everyday, I find more reasons why I do, making me fall for him even more. He may not be perfect but who is? We may not agree on certain things but that's fine with me. There is still so much I have to know about him but I am willing to see these little details as time goes by.

He made me see things the way I never thought I would for I was afraid to face the realities of life. Here he is telling me that things would be tough at times. Well, no one said that it would be easy, right? Then he assures me that after the rain, the sun will shine again. And that is enough reason to get up each morning. Life has a lot to offer. Experiences will be there to make you stronger and prepare you for what is to come. This then makes me embrace this life I have right now, never easy, challenging but strengthens me and helps me to be someone maybe Patrick could look up to someday.

He is not promising me anything for he does not know what lies in the future. He is just there… looking after Patrick and me while he can. He wants what is best for us. He wants us to be happy. He wants to make sure that even without him Patrick and I would be fine. Though he sounds as if he is leaving, his words gave me this comforting feeling that no matter what happens, he will always care for us. We will always be in his thoughts.

When asked if he is coming back from New York, he said “maybe”. That would have scared me, right? But I was in the right mind set that all I said was, “OK, at least when you said maybe there’s a 50-50 chance that you’ll be coming back. I just want you to know that someone will be waiting for you… If you come back then that would be great. If you don’t then I’d understand since you did say maybe.”

Arvin never told me he loved me. I have to admit that sometimes I wonder if he ever will. I did tell him this. That there are times when I ask myself, what’s so wrong with me, why can’t he love me back? What more does he want? What is he waiting for? But then I will come to my senses and realize… What more do I ask of him? Why can’t I just be happy with what he has to offer? He treats me well. He makes me feel good. He has done many things none of my ex-boyfriends or any who claims that they love me has ever done before. He has given so much already. He has given me everything… his whole self as well. And here I am still wanting more. Tsk tsk tsk. I then stop and thank God, that He gave me Arvin. Lucky me.

There are no guarantees… You will never know what is waiting for you. He said, "Things are set already." No matter what you do, you really could not change your “destiny”. The only thing you have control on is how you will accept what the world throws at you. See it as a blessing? A challenge? A burden? It all depends on you.

I’m so glad we didn’t watch a movie that night. I’m so glad that he stopped driving and parked his car under a tree. I’m so glad that we decided to do nothing but “spend quality time” with each other. Arvin is the type who is always doing something. He doesn’t want to waste a single minute but when he is with me, he just stops his world to listen to what I have to say, hear my thoughts, talk to me and ask how I’m doing. And for me, that is something.

THIS WEEK

i've been really busy... obviously! because i haven't posted anything for a week.

last tuesday, arvin, patrick and i went to san pedro. actually i have nice pictures of patrick and arvin but i really don't have the time to post it... hehehe. tamad! anyway, they look so cute together. arvin insisted on carrying patrick the whole time. eh, patrick's getting really big na. he's 20 lbs and 27 & 1/2 in long. on our way home, we got a little lost. hehehe. arvin is not that familiar kasi with orange county. mas sanay sa l.a. eh ako naman, no sense of direction. hahaha. but it was nice to get lost with him. other than the fact that it gave us more time to be together, the scenery was perfect. parang it really was meant to be na mawala kami. we apssed by several beaches kasi. beautiful beaches that is. some cities pa that we passed by reminded us of hawaii. arvin loves kasi hawaii. ako na rin tuloy is starting to love hawaii. i don't think i've mentioned this pero last year, when we still didn't know each other, we were both in hawaii. i mean around the same time kaya we'll always wonder if we did see each other somewhere along the way but just didn't know it.

wednesday and thursday, i was in gilroy to visit my nephew, niece, sister in law and kuya. dapat pala sinabi ko, family nalang ng kuya ko. hahaha. my other kuya who is a doctor is here in california too. there was a moment na we were complete, almost complete pala as a family. my dad lang ang kulang but since they are no longer together, my parents i mean, at least, my mom was there with her 3 grandchildren, 3 children and her in-law. we actually have a picture. but again, tamad akong kunin sa taas para mapost dito. hahaha.

yesterday, i went to a wedding... i really love weddings. when i was younger i've always fantasized on how my wedding is gonna be. i used to want to have a big wedding with me looking like a princess with my prince charming of course. but after awhile, i'm starting to make my "ideal" wedding a lot simpler. i won't go into details nalang at baka maudlot pa. haha.

that's all for now. hope you had a great weekend!!!

my first mother's day

i had a very lousy saturday... i know this would sound really silly but i never thought that not talking to arvin before sleeping will have a great impact on me. something was wrong with my phone so i never got his calls. i then fell asleep last friday waiting for his call.

when i woke up the following morning, i felt drained and tired. that's because i didn't get any decent sleep. when i talked to arvin, we were both cranky. apparently, he had a terrible sleep as well. i knew that this awful feeling would last the whole day... and it did!!!

i couldn't wait til the day's over. i wanted to sleep early so that when i wake up, it's a brand new day. i was hoping that things would be a lot better... tomorrow.

arvin then called me. it was 2am already. i have to admit that i was half asleep when we were talking. hehehe. he's used to it. but anyway, he was busy with something. he was arranging the flowers he got for his mom and sister. he was asking me a lot of things like how would it look more beautiful and how could it stay in place. the stuffs that he knows i know but like i said, i was too tired to give ideas. i just told him that i have ribbons and cellophane that he could probably use. i think i fell asleep though before he could finish doing his thing but i remember him asking me to wake him up at 8am.

few minutes before 8am, sunday, mother's day

i got a call from arvin. he then said, "baby, why didn't you wake me up?" and me... still half asleep, "huh? what? it's not even 8am yet." and he asked me if he could have some of the cellophane and ribbons i was talking about. he told me he was in a hurry since he has to get home and give the flowers to his mom and sister. i then told him to give me a few minutes to find them and at least brush my teeth. hehehe.

i went out carrying the ribbons and cellophane... with my pambahay on and hair that i haven't combed, i could just imagine how panget i looked. then i saw arvin, smiling at me. it was enough to make my day. i breathed in, closed my eyes for a while, breathed out and opened my eyes again just to make sure that i wasn't dreaming. nope, i wasn't. my great love was there standing by his car.

he then came to me and said, "sweetie, i was just kidding. this is for you." he gave me this really big bouquet of flowers that he personally bought, arranged and "delivered". it looked so beautiful... 2 dozens of red roses with those little purple flowers that i like and lots of baby's breath. and all i could do was hig him really tight. i was almost teary-eyed but then i know he doesn't want to see me crying and i didn't want to give the wrong impression that i didn't like it so i just kissed him and again hugged him not wanting to let go.

we then walked around the block with patrick on his stroller... we enjoyed the fresh air, the sun's rays and the beauty of the morning, my first mother's day morning.

i'm in big trouble

well, i just got my phone bill this morning and it's ridiculous. my mom will kill me... i could just imagine how mad she's gonna be once she sees my statement of account.

anyway, i take full responsibility. although a part of me would want to try to talk my way out of this... i think i would want to act mature this time. indeed, arvin and i stayed on the phone too much. plus when he was in houston, the calls we made i think were considered long distance. i feel "guilty as charged" but it doesn't mean i did something wrong. gets? i just went over board. so i'm preparing myself for the worst.

i've come up with a plan on how i'm going to pay for my bill. i would want to feel the value of money... i'll never learn unless i'm reminded that i owe someone... my son for this instance. i'll pay a fraction of the bill using my money (my parents used my atm-peso account when they were in the philippines. therefore, they "owe" me) and the rest, borrowing from patrick's savings which i would pay religiously every month. how??? my dad who is in the philippines is giving me a monthly allowance (by using my Master Card) and i would use that to get my supplies to make earrings. it's one of those earn-at-home programs...

seriously, i'm not at all scared or worried even if i have all the reasons to be for i know that there's no easy way to get out of this but to accept the consequences of my actions, right? for me, this is such a great learning experience.one way to look at this is: if not for those calls causing my bill to be sky-high then there wouldn't be arvin. make sense. but i think, believe and know that arvin is definitely worth more than that... he's simply priceless.

maybe we've gone a little too crazy but i have no regrets. i wish you could meet him or at least someone like him who has such a pure heart... is very kind, never mean... selfless... considerate... patient and understanding... above all, rare.

fullerton college part 2

like i said yesterday, i had to go back to fullerton college to take some tests... and thank God i went with with arvin. why??? continue reading!

i was having a bad morning for my mom started making sermon before i could even welcome the brand new day. i think she woke up at the wrong side of the bed... again! and i just hate that because i've always believed that you start the day right by being nice in the morning.

so when i got in the car i asked arvin, "hindi ka naman siguro cranky today, right?!?!" and arvin laughed asking "ok baby. where did that come from?" then i started ranting... and i apologized right away because it sounded like i'm ruining his day as well. just before the stoplight, he got something from the back of my seat... it was a rose. and he said, "good morning, baby!" and i couldn't say anything anymore.

after a couple of blocks, i started ranting again. hehehe. kakainis kasi talaga! he just listened and constantly assured me that things will be ok. then again at the next stoplight, he gave me another rose. that's two!

just before we got to the school, he told me that we'll just eat after i'm done so that i could take my time and concentrate on the exam... then he gave me one more rose. that's three!

then he walked me to the assessment center. kissed me for luck and said, "i'll just be here, k? i'll wait for you. just take your time."

after the test, we met at a restaurant and my mom started calling me... asking where i was and blah blah blah. i wouldn't want to elaborate anymore because it would ruin my kilig moment. hehehe. so, i had to eat my salad really fast and had the rest of my food wrapped so that i could just eat it when i get home.

then he told me that every year, he goes somewhere and have his time "alone." no family or friends. so i asked him where he wants to go this year. he wants to go to miami or puerto rico. and it sounded cool. i asked him how long he'll be staying there and he changed the topic by asking me to go with him. sweet! i mean he wants to spend his time "alone" with me. then i told him i couldn't since i can't leave patrick. and he told me that we could bring patrick along with us. and that is such a great thought, right? and i told him, "i'll think about it..." anyway, that's not until september or october.

lastly, arvin is trying to save money since he'll be leaving for new york in two weeks. he wanted us, patrick and i, to go with him but of course we couldn't. i then told him that i would pay for our lunch since he paid for our breakfast and lunch yesterday plus gas but he insisted that he couldn't let me pay for it... he doesn't want me to spend even a penny when we're together. come on, let's admit that now a days, it's rare to find such a gentleman who would definitely treat you like a princess when you're together.

on our way to the car, he brought this umbrella to make sure that i'm protected from the sun's rays. his explanation: the dermatologist said that it could be damaging to the skin. he said, "baby, i don't want your beautiful skin to get wrinkly..." so, even if he would look weird carrying an umbrella, he didn't mind. and i would just cling on his arm with my head on his shoulder. aww... things can't get any better than this.

ay... again and again, this guy just gives me more reasons to fall in love with him. what do you think?

plain supportive

i had to take some assessment tests in fullerton college... of course, the ever reliable sweetie arvin went with me. he really wanted to make sure that before june, everything is set. so after this, we have to take care of my license naman. no pressure. he was very supportive and like i said, his faith in me made me feel as if i could do anything... but he also assured me that even if things don't turn out the way we want or expect it to be, he would still be there.

we strated the day with a breakfast at mcdonalds. we had to wait for a few minutes for the regular menu... [they were just serving breakfast when we got there] then he told me that we could stay at the car for awhile to look at some pictures. so while i was sitting in front reviewing some of the papers i had for school, he came to me with a bunch of newspaper and asked me to throw it qhen i get home. it turns out, they were beautiful flowers... and again, he swept me off my feet.

then before we went to school, he asked me several times if i'm ready to take the test. partly i was nervous but then i know i have to take it... now! we had a hard time finding a parking place so i insisted that he just drops me off so that i could find my way inside. he wanted to go with me but i told him, "sweetie, please... let me do this by myself. if i get used to having you around all the time then i'll never learn. this is the first time that i ever wanted to do thing by myself, not relying on anyone. this really means a lot to me..." arvin in return, smiled and just said, "ok, baby. good luck. just call me when you're done." and gave me a kiss for luck.

well, i was able to take a part of the test but i would have to go back tomorrow to finish it. i then called him right away and told him that i would have to go back again tomorrow but he doesn't have to drive me anymore. i could ask my stepdad instead. arvin insisted that he'll do it. he would still go with me tomorrow. yehey!!!

on our way to get something for lunch i asked him why he gives me flowers almost everytime we see each other and he said, "because when i think of you, baby, i miss you..." and that's it. he didn't have to say anything anymore. that was enough to make my day.

well, i need to start thinking of something that could somehow match the thoughtfulness he has been showing me. he did want me to cook my tuna spaghetti for him and i think i should next week... let me know if you have any ideas, k? let's make him kilig naman... palagi nalang ako e.

intuition

i may have been a bit too paranoid but i still believe that i had every reason to be...

as planned and agreed upon, arvin, patrick and i were supposed go to mass together last sunday. it turned out though that my parents were going as well. i knew that the proper thing to do was go with my parents and just invite arvin to join us. i then told him about it and he said we'll meet at our house or at the church, depending on what time we'll be home from the fiesta. problem solved!

we got home earlier than expected. i called him and he sounded a bit different. he didn't mention anything about going here so i had a bad feeling about it. i thought, oh no! maybe he doesn’t want to see me anymore…

30 minutes before i left for church, i texted him, asked him if he was still coming with me and he said, "i thought you were going with your parents?" and that's it. i felt really bad, i wanted to cry. i know it was too early to conclude anything but I just had this intuition that something was going on. and i didn’t know what. it scared me…

on the way to church, dice called and i told her about how i felt and how confused i was with what's going on. i told dice, "please help me understand your cousin..." and dice, felt helpless for she was too far away and a bit too clueless on what exactly was going on.

i went inside the church feeling so disheartened, confused, frustrated and everything that i never thought i’d feel again. patrick was a bit restless… probably he felt what i was feeling. this gave me an excuse to go out for awhile. when patrick and i were outside, i saw an image on the glass window but i didn’t want to believe that it was arvin because it seems too movie-like. he… surprising me again. he… being there. he… proving that nothing has changed. i told myself, stop! stop living in a fantasy. wake up from this dream. i then made myself believe that the image i saw was nothing but an illusion for i was thinking of him… too much.

i went inside the church. prayed for strength because i knew, if all my hunches were right, i’ve just made a big fool of myself again. that’s something i don’t think i’ll be able to handle… not yet. i was just starting to put myself back together… move on… start anew…

i looked at my son and told him, i guess it’s just you and me again. he smiled. and i felt better… a lot better.

after communion, a guy, pretending he has been there the whole time caught my attention. it was arvin! sitting right next to me. with this smile that says, i’m here. why were you so worried? scared? sad? and all i could say was, “what are you doing here?”

after the mass, my parents invited him to join us for dinner. he stayed for awhile in our house. this was a good sign. at least somehow, my mom has accepted the fact that arvin is now part of my life…

surprisingly, my mom allowed me to go out to walk arvin to his car. but then, my mom would still peep through the window to see what we were doing. i found that so funny! and when i got inside the house, she pretended to be doing something. cute ng mommy ko no?! hehehe.

when he got home, we talked. i was able to tell him how i thought and felt. of course, me being such a drama queen, cried. and arvin would beg me to stop for there was no reason to do so. i told him how i noticed the little changes that took place in such a short span of time… the way he texts me, the way he talks to me, the way he was acting around me.

though he’ll never admit that for awhile, he did change… he assured me that i was not just being paranoid by saying he really didn’t feel like talking that much the whole day. there were no explanations for the sudden change in his behavior but it was enough for me. maybe it was just one of his days when he wanted to think things over and the timing was a bit off. i could never get mad at him because he never promised me anything.

bottom line: i just love him too much that i’m scared that someday i might lose him, he who was never mine.

movie-like sunday

it was a sunday afternoon, i was thinking too much about a lot of things and i knew that i had to stop otherwise i'll go crazy again... for no reason. i sat under a tree by the playground. i was enjoying the wind as it gently touches my face. i was watching the kids playing. i love seeing and hearing their innocent smiles and laughters. then two little girls approached me, asking for my help since their cute little brother named george got stuck on the swing. i found this whole experience very movie-like. i have a cup of water in one hand and the other brushing my hair... i'm so glad i had my PDA with me to write all about this.

change, change, change

it's so sad how something so beautiful could change in a few hours. you made yourself believe that you could handle changes for he taught you that if things are bound to change, it will change, no matter what you do. but then why is it so hard for you to accpet the fact that after what happened last night, things will never be the same again? it's a risk that you had to take for loving someone who obviously isn't ready to take a chance on you.

if you would only listen

I understand that you will always be a mom trying to protect your daughter from getting hurt. But then why is it that now that I have found someone who genuinely cares for Patrick and me it seems to me that you are so against it. What is so wrong about it, mom? I don’t get it. It is not like I am a 13-year old anymore who finds excitement in having a secret boyfriend. I am 21 years old, mom. And yes, I have committed a mistake by getting myself pregnant but it does not mean I am that stupid to put myself in that kind of situation again.

For the record, and I know it would be so hard for you to believe, Arvin is not my boyfriend maybe not yet. But even if he is, I don’t think it will make any difference because I know as early as now, even if you haven’t given him a chance to prove to you his worth, you don’t like him already. Why??? We’re trying so hard, mom to do things right, the way you want it to be done but then we get nothing from you but a cold shoulder, an angry tone or a judgmental look. What does it take to please you, mom? I should not be surprised if Arvin dies trying because I, as you daughter could never figure out what would make you happy.

I try to tell you everything, every good and nice thing happening to me but even before I could, I can see it in your eyes how disinterested you are. I sometimes find it very selfish because it’s like I could never be happy. There should always be something wrong with what I have. Why is that?

I so envy other people who sees you as a cool mom because you are more than willing to listen to their kilig kwentos. While I, your own daughter couldn’t do that for the very reason that you are pushing me away. I so wanted to be near you, to be close to you but then it seems to be that what we have is nothing but superficial. Everybody thinks we have this perfect mother-daughter relationship but what they fail to see is that deep inside me, I’m longing for someone who would just love me and accept me as me.

It’s so funny how you complain so many times on how nanay treated you when you were younger but mom, you have become her, very her.

Anyway, thank you for all the love that you have for Patrick. I know you adore him. I could never thank you enough for everything you have done for him.

I hope someday you will take time to listen to me, really listen. You have to see through my words mom. This is not an attempt to attack or hurt you. But then I guess, for you, that’s all I’m capable of doing. I never felt this little in my life. And you’re slowly killing my spirit. I’ll work really hard now so that Patrick and I could move out before I completely lose my mind, my strength and the remaining respect I have for myself.