breakfast is served

i haven't been getting along with my mom lately. i wanted to believe that it got nothing to do with arvin. mom and i have fought several times especially when it comes to patrick. my sentiments: i feel as if she doesn't trust me enough, like i can't handle taking care of my son. her side: i have to set my priorities straight. it's a matter of misunderstanding which i guess happens a lot to any mother-and- daughter. though i was in pain from my mom's criticisms, i knew she cares... too much that she's showing it in a rather odd way.

have i changed since arvin came?
this is something that kept on ringing on my mind when my mom left my room after a terrible arguement. she made me feel that she was so right in a lot of things but then that would make me wrong. and i am always wrong. it's so hard. it's so awful to feel that way especially now that i know someone's gonna look up to me... my son.

i just wanna be happy. is that too much to ask?
arvin was right in saying that nothing is perfect. somewhere along the way, you have to compromise. now that i'm happy... with arvin, i have to trade off something? it's not like patrick is no longer my top priority... he has always been and will always be and i think that's something my mom failed to see.

my angel: sent by God
i had nowhere to run but to arvin. and a part of me was scared because he might feel like leaving after telling him my mom's concerns. but then i had no choice. i had to talk to someone.

my messages:
my mom talked to me. and there was no way to defend myself. so maybe it was all my fault. but sweetie, i dont know what to do. i want so badly to please her but it seems impossible. as much as i wanna learn, she criticizes me before i could do anything. it's so hard to be in this kind of situation. i'm happy i've found you but you're right. things can never be perfect. i have to trade off something. anyway, i'm sorry. i wouldn't want to ruin your morning.

[i thought for awhile then sent this] don't ever think that this whole thing with my mom is because of you. it's all about me. and as much as i wanna fly like a butterfly (hahaha) it would never happen unless i break free. but if not for you, i wouldn't have known that i had wings [to fly] if it's not to much to ask, please don't ever leave me. you don't have to love me back. you can just be a friend. i need you and i know that is so selfish. but i just think that if you're around, i can do things i never thought i could.

then he called. and i was crying... but then i'm so glad he did because he was able to figure things out for me. he made me understand my mom and decided we would play along, just as how she wants things to be. at least for now, since i have no control over things. he is willing to help me in proving to myself... and my mom.... that i'll learn. i can be a good mom. i can balance things. i can be happy. and arvin assured me that he'll be there every step of the way. then i asked him, "are you my angel? did God send you to watch over me?" then he said, "no sweetie. i don't see my wings. hahaha."

so things got a lot better. we were supposed to go to the bank today to open an account then have lunch. but we thought that if we did, my mom will get more angry and that will make things worse. and out of nowhere i said, "sweetie! i'm hungry! i'm so hungry!" i'm not really a breakfast person and since this is rather unusual, arvin asked if i want something specific so that he could bring it to me. but i seriously didn't know what i want. i was just plain hungry. then he said, "ok, i'll just get you something and bring it there then leave." and again, he was able to melt my heart without even trying.

something sweet and practical that he did
since my line is verizon, he switched to verizon last night. that would mean unlimited mobile to mobile minutes. so we could talk whenever and it's gonna be free. we don't have to worry now about exceeding our minutes.

our first month
it was last march 28, when arvin first texted and called me. so technically, we've known each other for a month. then i remembered, i asked him then if he was arvin, dice's cousin but he never answered. he then said last night, "oh yeah, baby. i'm arvin..."

many nina-arvin plus patrick kwentos

well, well, well... i really had to think of something to make up for my immaturity last night. i had to call dice to help me with this. we talked a bit, wondering if indeed my dear arvin was angry. it's not like he will admit that he is, but still...

so while talking to dice, arvin called. i greeted him with the sweetest good morning. i tried to "sense" his mood. good thing, he didn't sound like "panget-ang-gising-ko" but i knew that somehow he was still pissed on how i acted last night. so, i said sorry... admitted my fault.... explained a bit... promised to make up for it. he told me it was nothing. like, yeah right! so i made more lambing then he gave in eventually, telling me that he just doesn't want me making simangot at him. a.k.a. "magsungit-out-of-nowhere." hehehe. and i said, "yeah, sweetie. i know. that's why i'm sorry." and i noticed right away the change in his voice. i asked him, "bati na tayo?" and he said... "baby... we never fought naman e." but you know that feeling that you get, the best feeling in the world... when you know that you've worked things out and you would be sweeter than ever.

so, i didn't make him kulit the whole morning and afternoon. i kept myself busy and just waited til it's almost 4pm... he told me he'll be here around that time, but knowing him, he's always fashionably late. i’m sure he will take him a little longer. hahaha. to my surprise, he called telling me that he's in front of our house already. i didn't believe him at first but i heard his voice from outside since my window is open. i got all excited, carried patrick and met him by the door. and can i just say this, he looks so good!!! here’s a little extra: he had roses for me, which he tried to hide from his back... aww... sweet... sweet.. sweet… so i just hugged him. he kissed patrick first then me. ay! did that just sound like we’re a happy family? hehehe. but this is just the beginning...

so we went inside, stayed at the family room and watched t.v. my friend, kathy called. arvin then took patrick from me so that i could talk to kathy. he knew that it wouldn't be easy to be all excited to be talking to my friend i haven't talked for years and carry my baby at the same time. he didn't mind playing with my son, carried him, an 18 lbs & 4 oz four month baby boy. well, it kinda took me awhile on the phone so i just hugged arvin from the back while i was still talking to kathy.

when i was done, we went back to the couch. i just laid my head on his chest while i was holding patrick as he sleeps... it's like the most comfortable position i've been the whole day. i had patrick and arvin near me. what more can i ask for? he would kiss my hand, my forehead and my hair. and i, would just smile and thank God for being so kind to me. He has blessed me so much and i don’t know what i did to deserve it.

so just before 5 pm, i had to prepare for church. arvin held patrick for he was still very much asleep. when patrick woke up, we dressed him up and gave his medicine. arvin watched patrick with so much care. and i was moved by the “bonding” they have. it’s like they have this little secret on how to make mommy smile and drive her crazy.

when everything was set, we went to arvin’s car, fixed patrick’s carseat and made sure that everything’s good. arvin double checked everything. it’s so cute, how arvin would talk to patrick while he’s driving. and since we got to the church a little too early, we stayed outside for a bit and we would just play with patrick, try to make him smile and laugh at how he makes this bubble sounds that arvin claims i thought patrick. hehehe.

by the way, patrick was drooling a lot since he's teething but arvin didn’t really mind if his polo got wet. for him, it was just a natural thing.

we then heard mass. i would have to say that going to mass is always the perfect date. he carried patrick the whole time even if i insisted several times that i could hold patrick since i’m pretty much used to it. but he just wanted to have patrick. what can i do? hahaha. everytime patrick makes sounds, he would talk to him. they would go out when patrick gets a little too loud. and i would just be left there inside checking on them every now and then.

i wasn’t quite sure if arvin really liked what he was doing but i know he was really working hard to assure me that patrick would never be a hindrance for us to have a great time. he would always include him in every plan that we have. it was never just me and him. it was always, me, him and Patrick. he kinda wished that patrick would go with us for dinner but my mom insisted that we just leave patrick with them.

so, for dinner… we went to benihana, his favorite restaurant. he was very apologeic for he wanted to be romantic but due to time constraint, we couldn’t really go that far. he would ask me repeatedly if there’s anywhere i would want to go and i would just say, “anywhere… just as long as i’m with you!”

on our way home, we talked about anything and everything. he asked me, “baby, what would we be doing if we haven’t met?” well, i knew what to say… i’ll be busy with patrick. then i asked him, “how was life before me?” he then said, “baby, i couldn’t remember anymore….” the way he said it and what he truly meant were simply sweet…

we didn’t want to end the night. we were having such a great time. then we made a deal to see each other every weekend, with patrick of course. and it’s something to look forward to, the highlight of the week.

oh yeah, he would be leaving for new york in three weeks. i wanted to go with him so that I could see dice as well but my brother from the Philippines will be here. this, again will drive me crazy, make me miss him so much and of course… our phone bills will rise, rise, rise until we end up broke. hahaha. but it’s now a must that we see each other before he leaves and he will come see me as soon as he arrives from the airport. hmm… i better plan something for him while he’s there. if you have any ideas, let me know.

we then went to the grocery to grab something… patrick’s laundry soap and lotion and my facial wash. if i went there by myself, i’m sure i’ll buy other things that i don’t really need but arvin thought me to practical. hehehe. when i was about to pay for it, he went ahead of me and paid for it. and i said, “sweetie, i was willing to pay for it. why did you do that?” and he said, “just do that when i’m not around. anyway, i wanted to get patrick something. here, i got him these.”

his thoughtfulness when it comes to patrick is one of the many reasons why i can’t help falling in love with him… he adores my son. and sometimes, i just find myself smiling, almost crying to see that this someone has so much love to give patrick.

oh wait! did i mention, there’s this watch i wanted from kenneth cole that was $85 and he said, “baby, that’s too expensive.” and i would laugh because his shoes is from kenneth cole, too which i’m sure cost a couple of hundreds but he would explain that he won that money from las vegas. but he told me to get patrick an oakley sunglasses so that patrick would look gwapo. and i’m like, no fair! and we would just laugh again. i know it’s crazy and mababaw… but he just thought that patrick deserved a lot of nice things. especially pangpagwapo things that would attract girls. hahaha.

i hate goodbyes. i mean, who doesn’t? so we just had to kiss before i go inside the house. i know i’ll miss him even more but then it’s ok. for next week, i will get to be with him again.

before he got home, i called him just to thank him for the wonderful evening.

just before we called it a night, we talked on the phone as always… he told me that he read the card i got him again and said, “i hope we don’t get sawa with each other…” and i said, “there’s no reason to be, sweetie. because every moment we spend together is something new. it’s never the same. and i wouldn’t mind being with you again and again…” and then he said, “you looked so beautiful tonight.” and i remembered what he told me… you have to feel good to look good. that must mean then that i would alwys look good when i’m with him.

he sounded really tired but then he didn’t want to put down the phone. we both had to wake up early. i will be bringing patrick to the doctor’s office and he… he will try to fulfill one of his dreams. that is, to be martial arts instructor. arvin is a man who has so many dreams. a man who wants to do a lot of things. a man who wouldn’t want waste any time. a man who wants to make the most out of life. and that’s part of his beauty as a person. i admire him for that. then he said, “baby, i want patrick to be my first student, k?"

so we just kept talking… then i noticed, my arvin became quiet. i just smiled because i knew why. and i just said, “good night sweetie. sweet dreams…” he has fallen asleep.

he called me first thing in the morning. he just wanted to make up for falling asleep while we were still talking but for me, it really wasn’t a big deal. he then said, “ok baby, go back to sleep. i’ll just stay here on the phone and listen to you and patrick while you sleep. then i’ll wake you up later…” of course i fell asleep again and it was good because i knew he was just there…

just before i left for the doctor’s office, he called and told me about his “crazy idea”. he didn’t want to tell me about it at first but i insisted that he did. it turns out that he wants us to open a joint bank account. we could start saving money so that we’ll have something to spend when we go places. it’s not at all crazy! not a bit! he has the purest intention and that is to have something that we could call “ours”.

last kwento, patrick and i were cuddling and it made me wish that he was with us. he then said he misses us too and he couldn’t wait til sunday. patrick then started kissing my hand and I wondered, did arvin teach him that? we called him. arvin then talked to patrick. and patrick would smile upon hearing this familiar voice. and everytime arvin would say, “baby, are you playing with mommy?” patrick would look at me. and proud mommy told arvin, “sweetie, our little patrick was such a good buy. he didn’t cry much after he was given four shots.” and he said, “that’s great sweetie! i’m so proud of him… i will try to spend less so could get my little boy something…” and that’s it! i knew, i’ve really fallen for him and no one can tell me i'm wrong.

blame it on PMS

at this very moment... arvin is on the other line. but we're not really talking. this is just our routine every night. we just leave our phones on until we both fall asleep. this is our idea of putting each other to sleep.

note: i so love it when we do this... it's like he's not that far away from me. i could almost feel him.

we had a little "fight" na super babaw and i have to admit it's my fault. well, i never thought i would say this but i blame PMS. hahaha. i did text him after we put down the phone earlier but he didn't reply. i fell asleep waiting... then at around 2:30 am, his call woke me up. we didn't talk much. i know he was still kinda pissed but as he claimed, he couldn't sleep yet... he just had to feel that i'm there, on the other line.

i know it's crazy to feel kilig when we're supposed to be in a middle of a fight but i have to admit that this person so drives me crazy. well, it doesn't even matter to me anymore if he feels anything for me. but i have to admit that sometimes i wish he does. again, bonus nalang yon.

12 hours from now, we'll be seeing each other. i'll make sure i'll be able to make bawi... i'll make the most out of our moments together...

tell me your sad stories

arvin dropped by the house last night. he got patrick this cute shirt from houston. well, it's another excuse to see each other. of course, i was happy to see him. but as much as we wanted to spend some quality time together, we couldn't because my very protective mom was watching. hehehe. (may baby na ako, ganyan pa rin ang mama ko. katuwa no?)

when he got home, we talked as usual. but i noticed his silence. it was deafening. i asked him several times why and he just said, he's thinking of something. then out of nowhere, he asked me: "why don't you try to work things out with your ex-boyfriend?" i'm like "where did that come from? if your trying to push me away then just tell me." i felt like crying because i didn't know what was g oing on. i became quiet... too quiet... then he asked me, "is there anything you wanna ask me?" and i thought, this is my chance... "what am i to you?" he said... "someone really special to me." i have to admit that's not what i wanted to hear but it should be good enough right? but i don't know... i just felt something....

he in return asked me, "what am i to you?" i knew what he was to me. i knew i was falling for him. but i didn't want to tell him because i was scared that if i do, things will change. but he insisted, if things our bound to change, it will change no matter what you do. he even asked me if i would feel better waking up tomorrow knowing that nothing has changed because i didn't tell him how i feel. but no... nothing convinced me in giving in. i'm too coward to tell him the truth.

he called again after our conversation was accidentally cut off. he then asked me if i wanted to talk about his past. well, i didn't know if i wanted to know about it but i decided, ok... i will listen.

he told me about his sad stories... and it made me cry so hard. how could people take him for granted? he had so much love to give yet it wasn't enough. he tried to do everything just to show her he loved her well but he still ended up with nothing but a broke heart. she made him believe that she loved him back only to realize that it was all a lie. while i was listening, i felt like dying. i could feel his pain. i feel so guilty for "pushing" him into telling me about it. i didn't know.

he just wanted me to know the things i needed to know. he even told me how hard it is for him to hold back his feelings for me... he just didn't want to give his all again and end up making a big fool of himself. he had to learn how to love himself again for he had given his whole heart before and never left even a small part of it for himself. it was as good as saying... "i could not love you back." but i understood... i feel for him. and i'm left with nothing to say but this...

"arvin, i'll wait til you're ready to love me back."

no smoking please

it's not like arvin smokes a lot. he did ask me if it's ok with me that he smokes and i didn't really mind. i just reminded me of the bad effects of smoking to his health. i just asked him a little favor, not to smoke when we're together. so the whole time that we were togther, he didn't. i even offered buying him cigarette but he insisted that he doesn't have the urge...

then he texted me this yesterday while i was on my way home: "sweetie help me! i wanna stop smoking but its so hard. and the only time i don't feel like smoking is when i'm with you..." and it made me smile. we talked about it and told him i'll be there to support him until he gets over it... and even after.

i asked him, "why is it that you don't feel like smoking when i'm around?" he said: "because you are my drug. and you're so addicting. actually, i think i'm addicted to you already. i'm hooked."

and i just laughed... a laugh that is priceless...

the first time i saw you

we met at the lobby just before dinner.

i was super nervous and scared. i had to call and text dice several times. i didn't know how he would react upon seeing me. i was afraid that he might change and then we'll lose everything we had... good conversations, sweet smiles. and my mom, in such a funny way, is adding more pressure on me. she kept on asking, where is he? where is he? that drove me crazy.

and there he was... he glanced at me once then turned to my mom and stepdad. and i'm like... oh no!!! he doesn't like me... but then of course, he had no choice. he travelled this far to see me. he had to make the most out of it. well, at least that's what i thought.

when we were on our way to the car... the magic began. it was so windy... it was freezing out there... and he couldn't help but hug me and keep me warm while we cross the road. we went to his hotel room to get me a thicker jacket. and i couldn't help it either. i just hugged him and said, "i'm so glad you're here. thank you!" and we looked at the mirror with this big smiles on our faces... a pictures that could say a thousand words. it's like we were meant to be.

so, we had dinner. got a little lost while looking for a good restaurant. laughed, smiled, held hands... and i know it sounds crazy... but we kissed. it felt good. you know that sweet sensation... the feeling that the world just stopped spinning for that moment and the stars were all smiling at us. it was perfect.

so we went back to the hotel. with a bag of oranges for my mom. more like a bribe so that she won't get mad becasuse it took us a little longer than we had planned.

i then changed into my shirt and pajamas, looking very much like a mommy. with my hair all over my face. i was cleaning patrick's bottle when i hear arvin singing patrick to sleep. then he would bring patrick to where i was and he would look at me with this smile that almost sounded like you're so beautiful. i tried to put patrick to sleep... he would give me a massage... kiss my forehead or hand. simple things that made me wish that this moment would last forever.

can you blame me?

never too far away

i've never thought that something like this would ever happen to me. i've always imagine it in movies... where the kilig meter goes way, way up there. but i guess, once in your lifetime, you'll find someone who would make if not all, some of your dreams come true.

it was so hard to leave for reno... arvin just got back from houston and we were really looking forward to seeing each other. but then the trip has been planned months ago. i really had to leave. if only reno was just a couple of hours away then, it would have been better. but reno is like 8-10 hour drive from l.a.

we didn't sleep the night before i left. we just stayed on the phone, not really talking but just trying to feel that one was not that far away. and before we knew it, the sun's up.

i would call him everytime we stop in a gas statio or rest area. i would text him everytime i "miss" him even though we still haven't met. do you know that feeling that you've been looking for someone all your lfe and now that you've found each other you're becoming really impatient to see each other. hehehe. that's just how we felt.

he was everywhere... i saw a place that's called arvin. how funny could that be? but then i knew, i, we would have to wait til next week to see each other...

i sent him this message: "another three hours just passed, another day almost over, another moment i wish was spent with you, another reason to miss you..." cheesy right? but i meant it when i said it. he replied: "if you don't stop making me miss you so much, i'm gonna quit working today and drive really fast and follow you to reno." i smiled. i did wish he meant it. but of course, i didn't keep my hopes up. why should i? it would only break my heart.

while in the middle of our lambingan and kulitan while texting he just said: "will you just kiss me before i go crazy and go there" and i justy said: "go! go crazy! so that you'll come see me here..." he said: "i wish baby. but if you really want, i will. you want me too?" and i wanted to scream: "yes! yes! yes!" i really wanted to see him. and he made me shut up by texting: "baby, if you want me there, i will be there. i will leave after work." then i told myself, yeah right! i didn't reply. i pretended i didn't get that message.

i texted him before i slept like i always do. then he said, "baby, could you do me a favor? can you check if there's still rooms for tomorrow in your hotel?" that was kinda enough to make me think that maybe, just maybe, he meant what he said.

the following morning, i called dice and told her this whole crazy idea. dice told me he was capable of doing it but still, it made us wonder, would he really travel that far to see me? i told myself, if he does, then that's just wonderful. if he doesn't it's ok. at least he had the intention right?

i got a message from arvin, telling me that he's still in l.a. and though i tried to prepare for the worst, i still felt sad. he even called asking me if i was angry and i said: "no. why should i? did you do something?" but deep inside me, i said... that's it! no more fairytales.

he called again, asking what my plans are for the day. i didn't have any. i didn't feel like going out. there was nowhere to go, nothing to do and the weather is just too cold. then he said, "baby, can i join you for lunch? i'm here at the lobby." of course, i wanted to believe him. but i've learned my lesson well. and that is: some things are too good to be true. and he said, "baby, i really am here. i'm staying at the other hotel. i'll see at dinner, if that's ok. i just have to get some sleep."

wow! he did leave after work. he didn't waste any time going there. he kept his word. he was for real...

arvin cueto

it's not everyday that you get to meet someone who has the ability to make sense out of you. i could never thank dice enough for introducing her cousin to me. in the span of two weeks, this person has done a lot of things in my life. bonus nalang na may mga kilig moments ako with him.

it all started when i got the worst reaction from my mom about the flowers i had delivered for her. i may seem as if i snapped out of nowhere but then i think i just kept too much inside of me. as always, he came to rescue me...

he knew what to say and how to say it. i'm usually the type na ayaw na napagsasabihan. the more i don't listen if i feel as if sinesermonan ako. but arvin... i just kept quiet, listened, and realized that he's so right!!!

he told me that i shouldn't think too much about the past... nor the future... but rather, try to live the present to the fullest. if i'm having such a great time now, why worry that it won't last forever? why ruin the whole thing just because i fear so many things that doesn't necessarily exist?

he also gave me a little push when it comes to driving. my driving test is way, way overdue. so he said, next week he'll go with me to dmv to take the test and get my permit. then he'll teach me how to drive. take note: he'll look for an automatic since his car is stick shift. his explaination: i'm spending too much time at home, doing nothing so i tend to think too much. so true!!!

then he asked me... "baby, are you ready?" ready for what? "getting down to business..." i smiled and said yes!!! now that i have him around to remind me that i can do a lot of things...

the confidence and faith that he has on me is priceless. i haven't found anyone who could motivate and inspire me this much. i'm lucky to have met this great person... a great friend...

baby's scared and crying

when you're starting to really like someone, you get really scared, right? scared that you won't be good enough, scared that maybe you're not doing things right, scared that you run out of things to say and then magsawa na siya sayo. these were my thoughts when arvin was on the plane...

i was so happy when i found out that he's home already. but we weren't able to talk right away since he got to do his thing and i on the other hand, am giving patrick extra attention since he isn't feeling well. so, we just texted and somehow, i told him my fears then i started crying. such a drama queen, no?

so we did talk and he understood how i felt for he was feeling the same thing. both going through a lot of pain from past relationships, can you blame us for being paranoid? for trying to use defense mechanisms so that we won't get hurt again? it was already, three in the morning and he wanted to go see me just to make me stop from crying, just to make sure that i'm ok, just to assure me that i shouldn't be afraid because everything is doing fine...

did i mention, he kinda cried too while explaining that he was scared too? when he starts caring for someone a lot he usually ends up losing that person. i guess... he didn't want to lose me.

so? you think we met? nope! not yet! i didn't want him to go since it was pretty late already. i don't want my mom to get a bad impression on him. knowing her, she always has criticisms on everyone. and i'm not spared from this. also, i wanted him to sleep early last night. well, it hasn't happened since we started talking. we end up talking til 3 or 4 am. hehehe.

when we found out that it was almost 5 in the morning already... we knew it's time to sleep. so this time, we left our phones on while we both tried to fall asleep. don't know if it was his or mine that ran out battery first but for me it was our first time to sleep "together."

he's coming home

arvin is on his way home from houston. i'm so excited. though we're not naman seeing each other tonight and i'm not even sure if we'll be able to meet up this week. pero at least he's not far, far, far away na. he's just... far away. gets?

i'll be leaving for reno on thursday... stay there til monday, i think. he wanted to know how far it is from l.a. and i told him it's like an 8-12 hour drive. he wanted sana to follow me there but i said no na since he just got back from a trip.

but before he got into the plane, he found out that he just had one bar (battery) left. and he said that sucks. and i asked him why? welll, unless he got plans of calling someone else while he's on plane or something. and he just said, "what if i miss you, baby?" and i told him he can just wait til he gets here in california, right? and he said, "but baby, i can't wait that long" and i'm like, hello?! it took us like a lot of years before we could meet. in fact we haven't yet. and he said, "yeah... that's too long..." and i just smiled slash laughed. pero sweet no?

and again, we didn't want to put the phones down. he said, "baby, we're not gonna do that counting thing like a bunch of 13 years old, right?" and i just laughed again and decided to put down the phone. anyway, in a few hours... he'll be home na! yehey!

bits and pieces

while talking last night, we were wondering, magkakakilala kaya kami if hindi kami inintroduce ni dice? he said... well, i'm in l.a. and you don't go out of the house [sobra! i don't go out talaga] so i guess, no. hahaha.

then he said, maybe we have met before, we just didn't know. maybe i was passing by knott's berry farm [which is walking distance from my place] and you were outside, standing or walking. or maybe we were in the freeway. i was in my car driving and you were at the back of your car with your parents [i don't drive kasi] we would never know...

when we had to put down the phone, no one wanted to. then he just said, i'll just wait til i ran out of battery. at least, it wasn't me. it was the fone...

HaPpY fOuR mOnThS, bAbY pAtRiCk

my baby is four months old today. i'll post his pictures next time... but here's my song for him...

"I Don't Want To Miss A Thing"

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Well, every moment spent with you
Is a moment I treasure
I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream would never do
I'd still miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
Lying close to you
Feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together
And I just wanna stay with you
In this moment forever, forever and ever
I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream would never do
I'd still miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
I don't wanna miss one smile
I don't wanna miss one kiss
Well, I just wanna be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just wanna hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time
Don't wanna close my eyes
Don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream would never do
'Cause I'd still miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream would never do
I'd still miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
Don't wanna close my eyes
Don't wanna fall asleep, yeah
I don't wanna miss a thing
I don't wanna miss a thing

after the rain comes the rainbow

ok... ok... ok... i know my previous posts sound so depressing and all. but here is my kwento to make bawi for that.

things weren't going my way yesteday so i was super frustrated! the flowers that i had ordered for my mom never arrived. good thing they offered a refund. my "friend" didn't text or call me the whole day. so, that made me feel worse.

like they say, it ain't over til it's over...

we were texting and as much as we tried to act as if things are still the same, we both know it isn't. and it was hard for me to accpet that. masochistic little me still replied and replied to his text messages hoping that somehow, i 'll be able to press the right button and make things go back to how it was before.

i don't know if it was the air, the stars or some arrow from a cupid that led him to start being malambing. we talked but i knew he was really tired therefore was sleepy already. like we did once, he wants me stay on the phone while he tries to sleep. at first, i would still hear him try listening to every sound i make but i insisted that he closes his eyes and try to fall asleep and i would stay on the phone til i'm sure that he was asleep. in the middle of this whole sweet but somehow bizarre way of being "together" he asked me if he can call me "baby" instead because "princess" was too long... and i just laughed. he was so cute when he said that. it made my heart jump in joy. maybe, things did change, only it's getting even better.

so i did stay on the phone and listened to every sound he and patrick were making. and i told myself, what more i could ask for? i have this two great people in my life. and after awhile, i played a lullabye til i've almost fallen asleep. and even though it was hard to do, i did put down the phone.

waking up the following morning, i texted him and told him that i imagined myself lying on his chest while sleeping and that gave me this reassuring feeling that he's not leaving me... us...

he made my day even brighter by waking me up with his call when i was taking a nap. i knew it was him calling for i intentionally assigned a specific ringtone for him. i was in the mood to make him lambing... i did wish that he was here beside me, making me want to just stay in bed... and i knew that very moment, seeing him eveytime i wake up is something i wanna do... for the rest of my life. and i texted,

"thank you for waking me up. i'm glad it was you. getting up can't get any sweeter than that."

he replied, "i wish i could be next to you everytime you wake up... i'm gonna jog before i go out [with friends]... and also para i don't look bad when you see me. i wanna look ok for my baby, ok? take care! mwah..."

and again, my walls come down and gave me hope that maybe, just maybe, i got lucky this time...

pahabol!!! he called just to make me listen to him sing... "i swear"

nothing has change

how come people don't realize that the minute you say that "nothing has change", everything does...

no more kilig moments, no more calls, no more text messages to look forward to. just some kind, subtle way of pretending that "oh yeah, we're still friends". damn! i hate this feeling! it's killing me...

but nevertheless, i couldn't hate him. he hasn't done anything wrong to me. he still is that one person i've always wanted to meet, know, have and love. it just so happen that i was wrong in thinking that we were looking at the same direction.

back to being a nobody

i was super excited to see my parents get home from the philippines... and what did i get? a cold hello, a criticism on how i take care of patrick, a raise of the eyebrow when i was texting arvin and no acknowledgement on how well i've handled things for the last two weeks. i'm back to being a nobody in this house... another mouth to feed, a liability. and it hurt so bad...

and the only thing that i was expecting to cheer me up was a great conversation with someone who is in houston. but he decided that he wouldn't "bother" me tonight since i'm all excited to see them. if he only knew how i felt, maybe he would decide to stay with me. and maybe because i'm really malas when it comes to love, i found out that all we ever could be is friends. he said we are better off as friends since he wouldn't want to hurt me in anyway. he said, "i'm afraid that if i get near you, i wouldn't want to leave." and i said, "then don't" he said, "yeah, you say that now, but maybe if i do, you couldn't wait to get rid of me." and i'm like what??? and he said, "i used to love falling. even if i get hurt so many times, i would still be out there. now i feel so scared... my heart feels numb sometimes," and that crushed my heart down to its very core. damn those girls who broke his heart!!! we ended the conversation with this message, "i'm not gonna lie to you. tears felll from my eyes tonight. but i will never break my promise to you. i will be the best friend you could [ever] have and nothing more. i will be here anytime for you, anytime you need me. i look forward to our great friendship and [laughters] to share." what he doesn't know is that he made me lose hope... that finally, i've found someone to love and who would love me and patrick back...

I Can't Make You Love Me
Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me

Chorus: cause i can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and i'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'cause i can't make you love me, if you don't

I'll close my eyes, then i won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and i'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And i will give up this fight
Chorus: cause i can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and i'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't

kilig plus plus

do you know the feeling when you and that "special someone", thought, said or did the same thing??? kilig!!!

arvin and i said several words ng sabay, several times today... well, we have since yesterday pa i think. i just don't remember how often anymore. there was just too many kilig moments to keep track.

funny thing was that i checked my phone bill earlier and see how much minutes i've consumed but it turned out that i've gone over already and i'm being charged big time. hahaha. patay ako kay na mama. excuse: i was lonely, i needed someone to talk to to... it turns out that arvin checked his account too. since he's in houston, the calls he makes costs more than usual.

so, i apologized cause i always talk a lot which makes our conversation last three hours, minimum. namamatay na ang phone ko dahil nauubusan ng battery palagi. but he said it's his fault because he kept calling. i then just said, both our fault and laughed.

i told him that it would be fine with me if we don't talk first, at least til he's there in houston. and he insisted na di pwede. we could just lessen the hours and just text each other... that must mean he likes talking to me, right? yihee... kilig!!!

so these were some of his sweetest text messages...

hi princess! what's up? i'm all ready for bed but i have to talk to you first before i do... hi patrick! hi baby... smile at mommy for me...

patrick, baby, always make mommy smile if she's ever sad ok? then i'll get you toys if you do, deal?

do i need to say more???

day 14: princess' last night alone

this would be my last day "alone". my parents will be back from the philippines tomorrow. yehey!!! i changed their bed sheet... got some roses and placed them on top of the bed with this small poster that says welcome back. i have more surprises in store for my mom. i'm having flowers delivered on thursday. and another one on monday for easter. can't hardly wait.

i just realized that for the first time someone is calling me something other than "baby". my arvin calls me "princess". hehehe. well, he started to call me that when i told him about my "daughter" isabelle. we were expecting a baby girl and my baby turned out to be a boy. my mom then said, it was meant to be. it wasn't time to pass on the throne. my mom said, i'm still her little princess, patrick being the prince.

arvin, sweet arvin... he called just to tell me he got patrick something from houston. isn't that extra, extra, extra sweet?

day 13: you got me thinking

would it be okay if i talk about my feelings first?

while i was making the previous post, arvin called. i knew that he was leaving for houston but i didn't know that he was leaving today. we talked while he was driving his cousins home from somewhere. all i know is that they had a little drink. when he got home, he told me that he's packing his things. time flied so fast, as usual. and before i knew it, he was already at the airport, about to leave. he got me thinking... why am i staying up just to talk to him while he's packing his things? i could easily tell him that i'm sleepy already and just put down the phone so that he could do his thing. but i didn't. i didn't mind staying up with him, wait til he finishes packing and even after we have talked, i still wasn't able to sleep. i wanted to read his messages again and again and see if he's going to text me just before the plane takes off.

he was constantly telling me to sleep. he knew i was tired and sleepy. but then i was scared... i was too scared to sleep. it's like this has happened before. i met someone that i'm starting to like. and though i know he'll be coming back in a week, i'm drowning myself with questions. dreading his come back... what if things change while he's there? what if he loses interest and just stop talking to me? e.t.f.j. always reassured me then that he'll be back and so as this arvin. but with e.t.f.j. it ended up me crying. and that's what's driving me crazy now. what if somewhere along the way, arvin realizes that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore? what if he just stops texting? he doesn't know that it will break my heart because in an unexplainable way, he's able to make me smile like i've never had before.

so i wasn't able to do anything today. i got up, tanghali na. and when i woke up, i was still thinking of him. especially when he texted me that he's scared to miss me. what could that possibly mean? i was waiting patiently for him to text me. and when he did, i got all excited. in the middle of our conversation, my mom called. and i don't know why but i told my mom i have a boyfriend. hahaha. but of course i took it back. i don't have one and i don't think i'm even close to having one.

i was expecting that i won't be able to have to chance to talk to him anymore, at least today but then somehow we still ended up talking. i was trying to help him fall asleep. but actually, i just wanted to hear his voice. that voice that makes all my walls fall down... that voice that makes me think of him while i was talking to him. crazy!!!

and out of nowhere, we started laughing. and i don't know why but i just said, i'm your friendly neighbor. and that made both of us laugh really hard. so from then on, we own that line - i'm your friendly neighbor. we laughed and laughed and together it made music.

he's always thinking that he's not good enough... and asked him, whoever said that? and he said everytime he looks at the mirror, he's reminded that he's not good enough. and from somewhere in my heart i just said, i'll send this flying something to houston to remind him that he is good enough. and we laughed again.

probably, it was just my desperate way to make him think of me somehow. what has happened to me??? ayayay!!!

so while we were talking, we ended up with his favorite movie - cast away. and i told him how much i love wilson, the ball. and he said he would get me one for my birthday. and i told him you better mean it, otherwise you'll break my heart and i would tell dice about it. hahaha. ay! crazy ko na talaga no?

and the highlight of the evening was when patrick was "talking" and i couldn't help but laugh and this arvin was laughing with me. somehow, i was able to share with him the joy of being a mom. and when i found out that it's pretty late and the two of them, patrick and arvin were still pretty much up. i said, i have to people here who want to sleep yet they can't sleep. and they are both driving me crazy. so arvin said, by the time patrick's asleep, i'll probably be asleep as well...

when patrick finally slept, we were still on the phone. but he was quiet already. i'm not sure though if he has fallen already but i just kept quiet, listening to the sounds both of them were making. i didn't know if he knew i was still there but it doesn't really matter. there was this moment then that i was smiling, seeing my son sleeping and hoping and imagining that arvin was too. and i wanted to cry because it was so perfect...

so there, there... hopeless romantic me. where is this leading to? i don't know but i sure hope it leads to something that would make me happy. for the record, this is just a one way thing. i don't think he likes me. i think he's just really sweet.

by the way, patrick is doing great. he's all eager to grow up. he moves a lot and talks a lot... things that my parents are looking forward to see this wednesday.

good night arvin. have the sweetest dreams. sleep well.

day 12: a tiring day for baby patrick

it's sunday and patrick had gone to so many places today... therefore, he's very much asleep right now.

at first, we went to a chinese restaurant for lunch and had some dimsum... (thanks ryanini for the spelling check. nabobobo na ako!!!) then we went to the mall... then to church... then to my other aunt's place... for a baby, that could be really tiring. but patrick still managed to smile a lot to all the people he sees. what a charmer?!

so we got home, it's just the two of us again... well, at least til wednesday. uuwi na sila e. then my parents will be here na. i'm surprising my mom with flowers that will be delivered on thursday and monday (for easter) i love surprises!!! i just think my mom deserves these little things so that she would always be reminded that patrick and i loves her so much.

well, a new friend from friendster who happens to be an indian shared me something i didn't know about my name. let me know what you think.

nina
beautiful eyes with sight,
goddess of beautiful eyesight

anyway, just when i was thinking of this arvin... again!!! he texted me and that made me smile... again!!! wala lang. just wanted to share.

day 11: there's no stopping him

i failed to mentioned that my aunt played hide and seek... so, patrick was laughing until this one time that he was really nagulat that he cried. you should have seen his face... nagulat talaga! nakakatawa na nakakaawa.

well, we didn't do much. we just stayed at home and watched t.v. patrick slept most of the day. nagpapalaki kasi! hahaha. and my aunt and i were so glued on the t.v. because there was an ice skating special again.

that night, my father texted me again. it was nothing really sweet but i was happy just to know that he remembered me.

oh yeah... i just have to share something, the guy that i was talking about - arvin, is really sweet and thoughtful. for some reasons, he makes me feel good. i haven't seen him yet i already feel so comfortable and all. he seems to be that someone i've always wanted to meet... someone who thinks of you in the middle of a traffic jam... someone who pays attention to the littlest details about you... someone who seems to always treat you like a queen... ay... do you know the feeling that everything around you seems to be beautiful? and there's like this happy song always playing on your mind? though i'm not really thinking of anything romantic that could go on between the two of us... i'm so eager to know him better. i feel sorry for those people who treated him so badly... those who dumped him because they think he's not good enough for them. they don't know what they're missing. maybe you're thinking that i've fallen or gone crazy already. if i have, is there something wrong with that? as far as i know, it's nice to have "met" this person who in so many ways makes me believe that there are so many "unusually good" people that you could meet in this world and that makes life wonderful!

here's a really nice song. i just feel like singing it:

You've Made Me So Very Happy

I lost at love before
Got mad and closed the door
But you said try, just once more

I chose you for the one
Now we're having so much
You treated me so kind
I'm about to lose my mind
You made me so very happy
I'm so glad you came into my life

The others were untrue
But when it came to loving you
I'd spend my whole life with you
'cause you came and took control
You touch my very soul
You always showed me that loving you is where it's at

You made me so very happy
I'm so glad you came into my life

Thank you baby!
Yeah, yeah

I love so much you see
You're even in my dreams, i can hear
Baby, i can hear you calling me
I'm so in love with you, all i ever want to do is
Thank you baby, thank you baby

You made me so very happy
I'm so glad you came into my life
You made me so very happy
You made me so, so very happy baby
I'm so glad you came into my life

I wanna thank you baby
Everyday of my life
I wanna thank you
You made me so very happy
So very happy baby
I wanna spend my life thanking you

Thank you baby
Thank you baby

day 10: long distance call to the philippines

again, we spent the weekend at my aunt's place... and to their surprise, patrick has grown a lot. just look at one week can do...

well, he looked a lot bigger... with those chubby cheeks and double chin. hahaha. made him even cuter.

he is making a lot of sounds. the book says that once a baby starts to realize that he could make sounds, he will keep on doing it because he likes hearing himself. so that's what patrick did, he kept on talking and talking. he sometimes sounds like he's crying but actually he's just trying to talk.

while we were having dinner, i had to make him sit on my lap. patrick now knows what food is. and he wanted to grab the sandwhich i was having as well as the can of softdrinks on the table. you could see it in his eyes that he want to eat already. and the whole time, i felt bad saying, "sorry baby, you can't have any."

lastly, when we were trying to put him asleep, he was so restless. he didn't want to sleep but we could tell that he was so sleepy already. i then asked my mom to call me from the philippines. i made her talk to patrick... like magic, after putting down the phone, patrick slept. it turns out that my mom saw a kid on their way to neuva ecija and was thinking of patrick. diba they say na if someone is thinking of you, napapatid ka or nasasamid. sa case nilang maglola, hindi mapakali si patrick!!! hahaha.

i love their closeness and bond... patrick seems to feel what my mom feels. and that's good. i have nothing against it. i'm just so glad that my mom loves him so much... just as much as she loves me.

have i told you lately that i love you

inspired by the movie "what a girl wants"

my day ends with a surprising message from my dad:

how are you?
i love you.
i miss you.

is there any better way to end the day?

day 9: missing them

i didn't feel like doing anything today. i just watched t.v. movies actually, thanks a million to adelphia's movie channels.

i called my parents who are still in the philippines. i just had to let them know that i miss them already. it has been really lonely being "alone" in this big house. i also asked them if they still got plans of extending another day or two. it turns out, they miss patrick too much to stay away from him any longer. yehey!!!

a text message from "someone" made me smile, made me feel good, made me kilig. this someone is a cousin of my friend dice. though nothing romantic is going on, it wouldn't harm if i make such a big deal on this kind of things. hehehe. sadly, this very sweet and thoughtful person is often taken for granted by women he meets. it then made me think, how could these women fail to see the kindness of this person. i mean, for someone whom i've just spoken once, it's very considerate of him to check on us every so often. he manages to include us in his thoughts....

looking forward to meet and get to know you better, arvin.

then came the rain that washed away every thought of loneliness and gave me hope that someday... i'll have someone to have and hold.

final destination 2

i came across this movie after watching a cute teen flick, lizzie mcguire movie. i was intrigued by the predicament of the female character, kim.

it was a year ago that a plane crashed and several students who were supposed to be there had experienced a twist of fate. yes, they may have escaped eath the first time but mysteriously each one of these "survivors" died in rather unsual deaths.

just before kim headed the freeway, she had a premonition that there will be a major vehicular accident causing sevral deaths. she saw how each one faced death, unprepared.

therefore, she tried to change the course of fate by preventing the accident from happening but of course, if it's bound to happen, it will happen. there was no stopping death from getting the souls of those who are on "the list".

bottomline: to save a life, another must be taken. watching this movie scared me to death! there's no way you can escape death. the more you try to alter how things are bound to be, the more catastrophe it would cause. it would be better to just embrace it - your destiny.

day 8: oh no!!!

i wasn't able to sleep well because i was getting lonely. i think i watched too much feel-good movies. baliktad ang naging effect sa akin. instead of me feeling all jolly, it made me wonder if i will ever feel that way.

i only fell asleep when i stared at patrick sleeping so peacefully. it made me teary-eyed. before i knew it, i've fallen asleep already.

morning: i wanted to be lazy and just stay in bed the whole day but patrick insisted that i get up. hehehe. he wanted to start the day already - that means i have to get uo and bring him outside, to the family room so that he could play. upon my angel's request, i got up and placed him on his walker while i get the mail and cook my meal for the day - thanks to microwavable dinners, a.k.a. tv dinners.

but just before the sunset, i looked at patrick's room... and i couldn't stand it anymore. it was too chaotic. it was time! i just had to fix it... now! so, i brought out all his things... gifts from the party, clothes: old and new. i then assembled storage boxes so that i could sort his clothes: newborn (0-3 months), small (3-6 months), medium (6-9 months) and large (9-12 months) folded each one of them. kept those that are "newborn", made the "small" one for pambahay, the "medium" ones as panlakad and the "large" kept for future use. i laso had to wash the new ones and mix and match his shirts with his pants.

surprisingly, i was able to finish everything. therefore, i rewarded myself with a relaxing dip on the tub with lots of bubbles and candles. the works...

enough said...