day 7: feeling better

patrick is feeling better today... yehey!!!

but i wasn't able to do much. just did the laundry and uploaded our pictures. i was taking pictures of patrick and realized that i'm running out of space on my memory sticks. they were all full. i had to take his pictures today since he's now 16 weeks old. i take his pictures every week to see how much he has developed.

just last week, he still wasn't as active as he is now. now, kaya niya ng dumapa mag-isa ng hindi naiipit ang kamay niya. i just leave him on his gym mat and it becomes kinda automatic for him na dumapa. he could also walk around, 360 degrees, with his walker. he also plays with the toys attached to his walker.

his skin is getting better now. he used to have rashes on his cheeks and scalp (cradle cap). they are almost gone. he looks a lot cuter now. of all the thing naman kasi na mamanahin sa akin, why my sensitive skin pa? hehehe.

bottomline: we're still very much ok. and i think that made my parents consider extending a day or two.

cutie pictures of patrick

pictures from the party

mommy making sure everything is ok...

the party was a triple celebration.
55th birthday of my mom and stepdad
and of course, the christening of my baby

this was his cake...
thanks to goldilocks!

there were over 60 balloons.
this one was specially bought for patrick.

i made this sign frame!!!
cutie!

i also made this...
this is where to put the cards, some with money
for patrick

this the centerpiece for each table.
there were 18 of them.

not yet, baby

before patrick slept. we had a "moment", a happy moment. i was tickling him with his rattle we call mr. froggy. he was giggling and i felt life crying just straring at my baby. it was tears of joy. to see this beautiful miracle smiling back at me. whatever did i do to deserve this wonderful gift?

my baby is so eager to grow up. he wants to do a lot of things that he's still very much too young to do. i tell him, "anak, wag ka naman magmadali. baby ka lang muna. mamaya nyan, binatilyo ka na. tapos mawawalan na ako ng baby..."

but no matter what, he'll always be my baby also, the one man in my life.

frustration

i don't know if any of you watch figureskating... my aunt is such a big fan of michelle kwan. i enjoy watching too.

it was the finals of the world championship and there was a three-hour special. of course we were rooting for michelle kwan who was running for her 6th world championship title. we then found out that she was penalized for exceeding 2 seconds during the short program. on the other hand, sasha cohen, michelle kwan's greatest competitor performed beautifully.

sasha is known for her spiral that's so perfectly done. she skates pretty well except when she gets nervous. she was able to beat michelle once in another competition but for this competition, she was very determined to get the gold. so after the short program, she was first on the standings. michelle on fourth because of the deductions made. you could see in sasha's eyes the confidence that this will be her year-she'll get the gold. well, that's what she thought...

before her, a japanese by the name akanawa (not sure) skated so beautifully that it astonished everyone. it was very impressive and her scores were pretty high. this gave sasha cohen the shakes. she has to skate without committing any errors otherwise, this newcomer will take away the gold medal she wanted so badly. sasha, as always, got nervous, committed a mistake. a big mistake. she fell. and the caused a lot of deductions... it made her fall second on the standings.

michelle came after. just when she was on the rink, a man dressed as a female came up with with something written on his chest. it was like a set-up to make michelle lose her concentration. at first she was furious but she needed to calm down otherwise, her performance will be badly affected. known for her strong will-power, michelle came back to the rink with a smile. she danced beautifully and got really high scores. it wasn't enough though to make her number one.

i then watched sasha cohen's reaction. she seemed like she cried but didn't want the media to see it. she wanted so badly to beat michelle kwan. she thought she had the edge when michelle was penalized. she became confident. she never thought that a japanese would beat her. from nowhere, this japanese skater rose and took away her dream of becoming the champion. i felt so bad for her. i saw it in her eves... disappointment and frustration. bad combination! she must be really depressed now.

for michelle, even with the deductions and the "side show" that was supposed to distract her, she still managed to land third overall-a bronze medalist. this just proves how wonderful a skater she is...

day 6: sick baby

patrick was doing fine this morning. i didn't notice anything unusual. so i gave him a bath. i had planned to do a lot of things sana for the day. but then in the afternoon, he started being fussy. he cried a lot. he always wants me to carry him. i checked his temperature and i found out that he has fever. i called my mom and told her about. i wasn't that worried but i wanted to make sure that i know what to do. i gave him medicine, turned on the air humidifier and monitor his temperaure. he got better... and this evening, he was into playing again. pilit na dumadapa everytime i place him on his gym mat then cried pag naiinis na siya kasi hindi siya makabangon. he was also able to make a 360 degrees turn with his walker. that's a long walk for a baby who in the first place shouldn't be walking yet. eager baby e!

day 5: holy day

sunday: he woke up with a fever. my aunt got worried but she was amazed to see that patrick liked his medicine. my aunt then carried him the whole time kasi kawawa naman daw. he slept so soundly. when we were eating, i had to make him sit on my lap. he wanted to grab the food. "baby, too early! you're just three months old." i looked at his eyes and see how curious he was especially when we were eating ice cream to cool us from the really warm waether. my aunt said, "hmmm... mukhang sanay sa ice cream a. siguro pinapatikim ka ng papa ed (my stepdad) ng ice cream" we could see that he was familiar with the look of the bowl and teaspoon.

we went to the church. i was worried that he might cry or get uneasy while the mass was going on. but he was just quiet and observing the surroundings. something new to him. he slept during the mass and only woke up just before it ended. there was a little girl in front of us who smiled at him. that little girl reached for his hand and patrick reached for hers as well. cutie! i wish i has my camera!

when we got home, it's back to being just the two of us again. he didn't sleep right away. i guess he was looking for my aunt and uncle.

day 4: father figure

how important is it to have a father figure?

still at my aunt's place, patrick spent a lot of time with his mama beth and papa nani. they were so fond of him. i'm not surprised! kasi naman this baby is so lambing. i was touched when i saw my uncle carry him. he was once scared of carrying him because he lookd so fragile. but no that he's grown a lot already, he didn't mind anymore. my uncle would bring him out to their backyard, watch basketball and golf with him and talk to him as if patrick could understand him already. the likes of: "magliligpit na tayo ng mga plato", "mag iihaw na tayo sa labas" action words that would sound cute if a father would say that to his son. whenever patrick was with my aunt, my uncle would call him and patrick would get so excited, shouting, and trying to jump to my uncle. i then realized that patrick must have been attracted to my uncle's voice, a male's voice since it has just been me he's hearing and seeing lately.

day 3: playtime

last friday, all we did was play, play, play.

morning: i packed our things since we'll be spending the weekend at my aunt's place. this will be patrick's first "overnight." (a weekend out of the house) i bought a lot of extra's. babies could be pretty unpredictable so it's better to have more than what's needed than go unprepared in case something comes up. after making sure that everything's in our bag, i gave him a bath. he played with his rubber duckies.

afternoon: since i know that it will take me a day or two to finish fixing and cleaning patrick's room, i decided to just leave it messy. hehehe. mabibitin lang ako pag simulan ko pa. i just took a bath and promised patrick that we'll go out. when he saw me dressing up kasi, he started to cry. he probably thought i was going to leave him. i brought the stroller out. we went around the block three times. bihira kasi kaming maarawan at mahanginan since we always stay inside the house. patrick got excited seeing and hearing a lot of things. very much different from what's inside the house. by the time i got home, he was asleep already but woke up agad when i got inside the house.

evening: we waited for my aunt. i was a bit sleepy but patrick was all active. i could sense that he wanted to play some more. so i placed him on his walker. i then made funny faces and sounds. he chuckled alot and that drove me crazy. he has the cutest smile and the sweetest laughter.

sleeping time: we had a hard time sleeping. namamahay kasi. he is so used to sleeping on the floor ar at least a mattress that's firm. the one my aunt had in the guest room was too soft for him so we has to toss and turn every 15 minutes until i decided to just let him sleep on my chest. nakakaawa na kasi. he was so sleepy yet he could find the right position.

hassle!!!

my mom called me from the philippines. she told me what happened to them at the airport. their things were held sa customs. those people naman didn't bother telling them that there's a "problem" na pala. my parents then waited until there's no one left from the flight but them. wala iyong gamit nila sa carousel. my mom was so furious! can you blame her? when asked where their things are, nakita nila their boxes, binutasan ng mga loko. my mom then asked if any of the items they brought are taxable... wala naman! they just said "ma'am, sir, ok na yan. kayo na bahala sa merienda namin" garapalan silang humingi ng lagay. kainis!!!

sumbong ako agad sa "friend" ko who works at the office of the ombudsman. so early in the morning, ginising ko siya. and at the end of our conversation, i paused and said sorry for waking him up. i just got carried away. pero sweet naman ang sagot niya e... well, sa text na...

i was awake na.
but to wake up hearing your sweet angelic voice,
feels heavenly.
honestly, i felt like kissing you.
wishful thinking lang naman yon.
walang masama.

bola!!! sobra!!!

day 2: still alive

patrick and i are starting to have a routine already which makes it easy for me to do things...

he sleeps at around 10 or 11 pm. he will then stay asleep through the night and wake up at around 6 am. i'll just give him his milk and he'll go back to sleep. that gives us a few more hours of sleep. then it's kinda automatic... we'll both wake up at around 9 or 10 am. say our good morning greetings with a smile, cuddle for awhile as we get up and face a brand new day... together!

we'll go then to the family room where all his toys are: his gym mat, bounder, walker and playpen with all his other toysies. i'll let him play while i get the mail and newspaper. i'll feed him then let him take a nap while i have my brunch. when he wakes up, i give him a bath. he loves the water and all the rubber duckies. i'll feed him again and he'll sleep... that gives me time to do things.

and this afternoon, i exercised again. hahaha. determined to lose some pounds and inches!!! took a bath after. we stayed in my room so that i could fix my closet. he just watched t.v. (this early, t.v. addict already!!!) when he gets bored, he calls me then i'll get his walker so that he could play and exercise (to strengthen his leg muscles)

before i knew it, the day is almost over. and here i am again posting this. i'm just so proud and happy to say that my son is not giving me a hard time... now that it's just the two of us.

i'm seeing a wonderful future ahead of us. even if it's just the two of us... no husband for me... no father for him... if God wills it to be that way, i wouldn't mind. He has blessed me with so much already... i just look at my son and i say, what did i do to deserve this??? nothing really. it's just God is so good...

home alone: day 1

last night, patrick knew that his papa ed and mama els were leaving. he was more malambing than usual to them. when they left, he cried and cried for no reason. i mean he isn't hungry... wet... tired... sleepy... or bored. i think he just knew that they were gone. my mom called for the last time before their plane leaves. she was crying... she talked to patrick. he stopped and listened. after that, patrick just slept.

today...

this morning, we woke up with smiles on our faces. the usual "good morning" greetings we have. i breathed deeply and said, this is it. it's just the two of us in this big house.

patrick didn't give me a hard time. i didn't have to carry him a lot. he just slept and played the whole day. he sometimes shout, calling me to play with him.

i was able to do a lot... print all the pictures i have to send to the philippines, do the laundry, wash patrick's bottle, prepare his formula, and post this. i still have lots of time to fix my room then his... did i mention, i was able to watch t.v. while doing a cardio routine. that would help me lose weight and get back to shape. yehey!!!

so ironic: i get to do more now that it's just me and patrick than when my mom and stepdad were here. i also don't feel lonely.

first love never dies....

tsong,

I had a dream. I don't think its weird or anything but it is unusual. I dreamt that I saw you and you were walking towards a garden filled with white roses, so I followed you and I kept calling your name but you kept on walking and a moment later you were gone. I felt sad and I sat on the garden playing with the roses then after a long time I saw you again and you were calling me, asking me to follow you so I did and when I caught up with you, you fell in my arms and you were starting to fall asleep but before you closed your eyes, you asked me why I took so long, and that you were tired and you're glad that I came...then I woke up.

And now, I can't stop thinking about you. When are you coming home?

that was an email from my first boyfriend, my one great love, my R.B.P...

and yeah, i am frustrated that we didn't end up together. sometimes, i still wish that we would someday.

wake up call

early this morning my mom woke me up, big time, by saying this:

may sasabihin ako sa'yo.
si patrick....
nagiging kamukha na ni roderick.
iyang mga matang iyang pumupungay
kapag ngumingiti.

ok, ok. i don't mind. i have t o admit that roderick is really handsome. but of course patrick looks a lot better. hahaha.

kunin na mo [patrick] na lahat [facial features] sa daddy mo,
wag lang ugali at kamandag [sa babae]....

ok, i'm awake now! and i'm glad that i have my son. roderick can't take him away from me... not now... not ever...

what could be more important than our son?

another son???

i just can't comprehend this...

he has both parents - a father and a mother to bring him up right. he graduated from a catholic school where my brothers, my father and the rest of jimenez clan graduated from (excluding me). he is a college graduate - dlsu - csb. as far as i know, he is mentally healthy, very much sane.

what am i driving at?

i don't get it! why can't he act like a father to my son?!?! what the hell is wrong with him? while everyone loves our son so much, some even willing to be a "father" to him, here he is, the biological father who couldn't care less. who hasn't told his family about patrick. who i bet, at this very moment is f***ing someone without fear that he might get this woman pregnant.

i could go on forever saying a lot of sordid things about him but no words or means could show just how much pain he has caused me, especially with regards to our son.

given that i called at the worst time of the day, he could have talked to me decently and explained. i would have listened and had some compassion towards him. but he never gave me the chance to understand what exactly is going on. he just pushed me away just like he did before... and i don't think he'll ever want me or our son in his life.

i ask myself, why???

what an a**hole?!?!

i regret doing it but i tried calling roderick to talk to him about our son and what his plans are... this is what i got:

"nina, mamaya nalang yan.
tumawag ka nalang ulit.
may pupuntahan ako.
paalis na ako.
mamaya na yan"

and i haven't even said anything yet. i just said hello. he made me sound as if i'm demanding a lot from him. all i wanted was for him to talk to his son so that in some ways they'll have that father and son bonding...

what he did was way too much... i've had enough! i've done my part! i can't take it anymore! if he doesn't want his son to be part of his life then he'll never hear from us again! never!

i don't know

it just dawned on me, would it be better to live a lie especially if it makes you feel good than to face the reality that things are all f***ed up?

woman's intuition

did you ever get the feeling that your partner is fooling around? or having an affair?

it's been awhile since the last time i've been in a relationship. and it was too short to remember anything other than the fact that it ended with me getting pregnant. hahaha. but there was a time that i had an intuition that my ex was dating someone else and i was right. he told me about it after we broke up, saying "it was nothing serious". sure!!! asshole!!!

well, my mom got this feeling that my stepdad is fooling around. and i always ask her, are you sure? do you have proof?

she will "feel" it then she'll gather "evidences" to prove it. so for someone like me who is clueless, i'll probably believe her. but then if it all started with an intuition, would that be enough to conclude anything? what if she's just being paranoid? after all, she's been fooled several times. but can you blame her? my stepdad has a bad history when it comes to women.

well, well, well... if i do catch him doing something, he better call all the saints he knows because i'll make sure that he'll suffer really hard and regret that he's still alive. hahaha. kidding aside, i wouldn't allow him to hurt my mom again. never! not in this lifetime!

i just miss my dad

since i got a new mobile number, i thought of texting my dad. i was excited. asked him if he wanted anything so that i could send it to him. told him that i miss him and i love him.

he replied. "i received your message. take care." and that's it.

i felt disappointed? sad? i don't know exactly what i felt. i just felt something that made me wanna cry...

test of strength

when i found out that i was pregnant, i still found myself running to my mom for help, support, care and most especially love. this is despite the distance, geographical and emotional, that has grown between us through the years.

with her by my side, i had the strength to leave roderick and decide to raise our son alone. she assured me that she'll be there for me, for us. and that's all i needed then to go on.

after i've given birth, i told myself, the storm is over. we finally made it to see the rainbow...

just before we could fully enjoy its beauty, dark, gloomy clouds once more appeared in the horizon. and i've got a feeling that this time, it has got plans of staying for a longer time.

my mom and stepdad fought. it wasn't the first. since i got here, i've seen these fights worsen with time. and of course, this is breaking my heart. i don't want to see my mom in pain especially if it's caused by a man who i'll always see as the one who took my mom away from me. i "gave in" thinking that this guy will love my mom, make her happy, take care of her, treat her right. and to see that i was wrong, kills me.

while other girls my age were playing with their dolls, i was exposed to something that made me age sooner than i should. a young mind wouldn't understand what's going on and why it was happening.

i saw how my father physically and emotionally abused my mother. i remember hiding my head under the pillow, crying because i just felt how strong my father banged my mother's head, forcing her to make love with him. using all his might to get what he wants. i was very much awake to see these disturbing images and hear every sound my mom made even the way her tears fell on her cheeks. they didn't know that i was praying, begging God to make me fall asleep so that when i wake up, it would be over.

when it came to a point that my mom couldn't take any of these anymore, she had to make the biggest decision in her life. and that's to leave. i didn't stop her. i love her so much and the only way i knew to show it was to let her find happiness... she deserved it.

years gone by and my mother has missed out on so many things in my life. it came to a point that i wasn't looking for her anymore. and no matter how hard she tried to make up for it, it's impossible! lost time is lost time. you can never turn back the hands of time.

i though, promised myself that after i graduate from college, i'll be with my mom again. we'll travel and see the world together. but i got pregnant. we would have to postpone this, at least for now.

i would like to save her from the misery she's in right now. if only i knew what's the best thing to do. she fells like giving up but i tell her, she shouldn't. i'll be here. we could survive even without him. i just know we could. if it takes being strong for her, then i will just as long as we're together.

HaPpY sT. pAtRiCk'S dAy

honestly, i don't know what's so special with st. patrick's day. i have to research on that. but this day made me realize that God gave me my son, Patrick for a reason.

my mom and stepdad had a pretty bad fight this morning. knowing my mom, it could have driven her crazy if patrick and i weren't around. as much as i want to comfort my mom, i couldn't because i myself am wondering what's the best thing to do with their situation. thank God patrick was and is around to keep us sane, to make us smile, to give us reason to live. patrick is our little angel sent from up above.

afraid to be wrong

surprisingly, my niece kym asked me about something that we don’t usually talk about. and i’m not quite sure if i told her the right things. Anyway, she’s intelligent. i’m sure she’ll think things first before actually believing in it.

“ate, bakit ang mga babae martyr?”

hmm… are women naturally martyr? here’s how I see it. women are made to have a high tolerance for pain. may it be physical (eg. giving birth), or emotional. men on the other hand were made to be physically and mentally stronger and be there to protect and provide for women. does that make any sense? is that fair? are men and women equal?

men and women tend to be complement each other. what women doesn’t have, probably the men does.

in the bible it was said that,”it is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a suitable companion to help him.” (Genesis 2:18)

the bible even has a full description of a capable wife (Proverb 21:10-31) and the most important of it all is this:

“Charm is deceptive and beauty disappears
but a woman who honors the Lord
should be praised.
Give her credit for all she does.
She deserves the respect from everyone.”

I guess that pretty much says it all…

while they are out

my parents will be gone for two weeks. i made a list of things that i'n planning to do. I hope that I’ll be able to accomplish any of these:

* study for my driving test
* exercise and diet
* spring cleaning
* fix my closet and drawers
* fix patrick’s closet and drawers
* print pictures
* fix my photo album
* fix patrick’s photo album
* fill up some pages of patrick’s baby book
* make testimonials (friendster)
* read books and widen my vocabulary
* find a job, or anything I could earn from
* fix the requirements I need for school

depression

i remember something my professor in sociology taught in class not so long ago…

those who haven’t achieved anything because they don’t know what they want get more depressed than those who know what they want, tried but failed.

think about it, makes sense! we live for a reason. and if we don’t know what it is, it is as good as not living at all.

frustrations

is nothing more than the difference between expectations and reality

i remember my friend, dice sharing this quotation during those days when i felt sad and lonely. actually it was during those days when i wanted so badly to go back in the philippines. either that or just disappear. that's because i can't take the life here anymore. hahaha. anyway, i told dice that i've made a list of my greatest frustrations in life. and she said "that can't be good." then i told her, i just have to. writing them makes me feel that i'll get over it. and guess what, it worked!

at this very moment, i'm trying to make another list and it turns out that i can't. it's like i have a different attitude now towards things that doesn;t work out the way i want them to.

well, here are some of the things i've written then. as young as 21, who would have thought i could have these many frustrations already.

* loyalty award in dlsu - i had to terms left
* working in pldt - during the final interview, i had an emotional breakdown
* relationship with my first boyfriend, RBP - first love never dies
* JERL - can't tell who he is but he was almost perfect for me only he didn't like me. hahaha.
* perfect attendance in zobel - tardiness??? me???
* dancing professionally - the dancing instructor wanted me to be his partner in competing nationally but the academic adviser thought that it would distract me from my studies
* facial ad and cover for a magazine
* child actress - who knew i auditioned for darna as the young narda? hahaha.
* perfect family - ok, it's beyond my control. i was born with it

so now i realized that it's never too late to dream new dreams, more dreams. something to look forward to. life has a lot to offer. i may have missed out on so many thing but i believe that there's still a great future waiting for me.

mr. destiny

i saw this movie just recently. i never really appreciated it not until the ending where the messages go something like:

you'll never know what you got til it's gone
- the main character was given a chance to change his destiny. he went for the things that he wanted but didn't have in real life thinking that it would make him happy. but in the end, it didn't. because in real life, he already had what he needed to be complete... he just didn't know he had it all along.

you've got your whole life to look forward to
- some of us are too eager thinking that we have missed out on so many things. we don't realize that life has more to offer. we just need to be a little patient. of course things don't always work out the way we want them to but it doesn't mean that it's the end of the world. just wait and see...

things will work out fine
- they say that life has a cycle: ups and downs. so when things are going against you, don't worry! eventually, it will get better.

room for mistakes

in the past year, i had to make three of the biggest decisions in my life.

* leave roderick - the ex-boyfriend, the father of my son
* quit school - say goodbye to my loyalty award
* migrate to the u.s. - a world far off from the world i've always known loved

it was not until recently that these things hit me. i ask myself, did i make a mistake? or did i do what was best and right for me?

i have to admit that i wasn't thinking straight when i made these decisions but i'll stand by them with the hope that just in case i'm wrong, it's acceptable. for in life, there could be room for mistakes.

so many thoughts, too little time

sounds pathetic?

i list down things that i want to think or write about. afraid that i might miss out on some good thought, idea or feeling. wouldn't it be great if i had "someone" to share these with other than my computer?

the power of blogging!!!

you get to express yourself, people get to know you better. what more can you ask for?

whoever thought of blogging is genius

and i can't believe that i'm brave enough to share myself with almost anyone.

all ready for the party

i'm almost done with the so many things i need for saturday... yehey! it's been keeping me busy these past few days. i'm so excited! i so love preparing for parties, taking care of the decorations and making the give aways. i think i was made to do these stuffs. i'm happy with it and in return the quality of my work is simply great. if only i could do this for a living... i wouldn't mind not sleeping and eating just because i ought to finish my projects. hahaha. well, just imagine my glow now. it's been a while since the last time i've done something i could be proud of.

wait, wait, wait! i haven't forgotten about my one great love... PATRICK!!!

HaPpY tHrEe MoNtHs, BabY!!!

party! party!

i've been really busy lately since there will be a party this saturday. it's a joint birthday celebration for my mom and stepdad but most importantly, it's to celebrate the christening of my son.

i'm so excited!!! although it could be really stressful to prepare for it, i don't really mind. i love the adrenalin rush. hehehe. i'd rather be drowning with a million things to do than feeling useless and worthless, again and again.

we are expecting 130 guests! hmm... a lot!

so here are the things i have to consider and/or take care of:
* souvenirs (84 pieces)
* centerpiece (18 tables)
* flower arrangements
* transportation of 2 cakes
* transportation of 60 balloons
* guestbook
* sign frame
* banner
* streamers
* thank you cards
* my son!!! (of course!)

mommy and baby patrick

yesterday... i felt like singing so i brought out our magic mic and sang. ok, maybe i sound so awful that's why patrick woke up. hehehe. so what did i do? i sang children songs the likes of old macdonald had a farm; the farmer in the dell; row, row, row your boat; hokey pokey (with the shake it all about); london bridge and lots lots more. it was fun!

then in the afternoon, i gave patrick a bath.

honestly, it was my first. it has always been my mom who gives patrick a bath. i, on the other hand just prepare the things and dress up patrick after his bath. i was afraid then that i might drown him or something. especially now that he's so heavy already and moves a lot. he might slip on the tub and get hurt. but i had to do it! i just had to. otherwise, i wouldn't learn, right?

it was again fun, fun, fun! we give him a bath upstairs where my mom has a jacuzzi. then we just place the baby tub inside. the result, i get wet too. it's like we're swimming only he has this dry area so that the water won't go to his face which he simply doesn't like.

after that bath, patrick slept well and i... i felt good.

me: then and now

my mom was fixing her things. a box full of papers which seems like junk from the outside but is actually a lifetime treasure in the inside. it contains copies of my nanay's birth certificate, my nanay and lolo's marriage certificate, my cousin's birth certificate, my brothers' report cards together with the program for their award's night, my letters to my mom, some of which are just drawings since i was much too young to write then and my very first passport. i was laughing the whole time when i saw my picture. look! who wouldn't?

a glass of fresh lemonade

hmmm... i just love this day. it started so right. though i wasn't able to get any sleep, everything just fell into place.

i made a glass of fresh lemonade... a mix of sweet and sour tastes, enough to wake me up and keep me up the whole day.

then, i decided to be productive. i cleaned the bathroom. scrubbed every corner and made sure that no area was left unturned. afterwards, i was all wet and dirty. the best thing to do of course was to take a bath. and that's just what i did. i had a warm and relaxing bath. it made me feel so good that i was singing when i went out of the bathroom.

there, there...

so, i was still up to working and doing things that i could be proud of at the end of the day. i then finished my "assignment". since i don't really do anything, no school, no work, well at least not yet, i help out in our home-based office. and somehow, i get paid since my stepdad pays for all my expenses.

just when i thought that i've had enough "good feeling - inducing things" for the day, a box arrived at our doorstep, its the DVD's of the first five seasons of SATC. what a great reward slash surprise for someone who thought not so long ago that her life has become so pathetic and boring?! harhar.

life's just so wonderful!!!

oh happy day

i've noticed that my entries have always been about something sad or frustrating. rarely do i talk about good things happening in my life.

well, for these past few days, i've been in a good mood. nothing really great happened but i just feet good... singing, dancing, smiling and laughing... good indication that i'm perfectly fine.

an offer

a guy, a fine man in the philippines offered me something that could be pretty tempting. some people may find me stupid for turning it down but then it just isn't me.

this guy wants me to go back to the philippines. he wants us to try things out. i mean, he wants me to spend time with him and if it works out perfectly, he will marry me and take full responsibility as the father of my son.

i have to admit that one of my many concerns is having a father for my son, may it be the real one or someone who would love him as if the same blood is running through their veins.

only second to that is having a husband. i think i will have a hard time finding one if i do decide to get married. like i said before, i still prefer marrying the father of patrick. but for some reasons, i'm losing hope. i have another option: to marry someone else. he has to love me enough to love my son as well though. but then, i don't want us, patrick and i to be too dependent on him, financially most especially. it just isn't fair to the guy. i want to prove to myself that i can take care of my son, even by myself. and of course there's always this last option. just stay single forever. i already have a son anyway.

things can get pretty tough especially that i'm alone in taking care and bringing up my son. i really wish i had someone. i'm a sentimental, hopeless romantic fool... i see moments with my son shared with a husband... our son's supposed to be brought into our lives out of love. i'm supposed to be married then fall deeply in love with my husband again and again everytime i see our son.

maybe if i were desperate, i could have grabbed this offer... someone kind enough to rescue me especially from the scrutiny of narrow-minded people who think so ill of me now just because i got pregnant early and outside of marriage. but then, it really isn't me. it just doesn't feel right.