pictures! pictures! pictures!

when we got home, patrick and i were super tired but we still manage to take some crazy pictures of ourselves. for a picture freak like myself, it's simply a must that my son and i have as much pictures together as possible. i want to believe that these pictures will eventually prove that he looks like me. hahaha.

HaPpY 75th BiRtHdAY, NaNaY!!!

nanay, my grandmother just turned 75 years old... we gave her a surprise birthday party. for my contribution, i made the give-aways and banner. i was also one of the photographers, holding a digital cam on one hand and a video cam on the other. oh yeah, at one point, i was holding a bottle of gel to fix her hair, too. hehehe. it was fun and i was happy to see her in tears, tears of joy that is. although she isn't as strong as she used to be, she tried to stand still while people were taking her pictures. some of our relatives danced with her and just for fun, we pinned dollar bills all over her dress. (we call that "the money dance") some on the other hand, that includes me, sang fo her. by the way, i'm the only one in the family who was lucky enough to hear nanay sing so i sang her that song, "paniwalaan mo". i invited her to sing with me and before i knew it, everyone else was singing with us. something i found really sweet was when my cousin Bryan who has been here in the u.s. for the past 20 plus years, sang a tagalog song, "nandito ako" very beautifully. everyone was amazed for he was really the quiet type and no one really knew that he sings well, not even his parents.. we also had games and i was able to win a prize. hahaha. i was able to guess the date for this year's mother's day - may 9. and i ought not to forget this, there were lots of food. yummy!

anyway, nanay, happy, happy birthday! we love you!

never good enough

well, isn't it that parents are supposed to be the one who would have strong faith in you... sees you through... makes you feel like you can do anything and lastly loves you for who you are?

today, and since time in memorial, my mom has often made me feel that i'll never meet her standards. never pretty enough, never thin enough, never smart enough, never good enough... i get hurt but i don't think she realizes that.

one painful instance was when i told her i had to take TOEFL, a requirement so that i can get into a university here. it assesses if you can read, write and comprehend english text. she asked me, "may alam ka pa ba sa english?" well, what is that supposed to mean? am i that stupid? yes, i got pregnant before i could finish my studies but i have every intention to finish it here. she doesn't even know what my plans are, what i want to do and which school i want to go to.

she criticizes the way i look. too many pimples she say... you're so fat, i'm thinner than you now... that plus more teasing from my stepdad is more than i can bear. and every time i tell them that it's never easy to get back to shape after giving birth, they're telling me that i'm just making excuses. well... just give me some time and i'll be in my best shape.

we used to fight too because of how i take care of my son. they blame it on me when something goes wrong with my son... as if i didn't do things right. i'm so glad that with time, i was able to prove to them that i'm the mom. and sometimes, i know better than they do. next month, they'll be there in the philippines for two weeks. patrick and i will be left here by ourselves. i'll prove to them, to myself, that i can handle it. i can!

call me immature for saying these things. maybe i'm being too sensitive. but it hurts... especially when you, yourself think that you're not good enough.

sleep - sleep - sleep

i sleep when i feel bad. and that's what i did today. plus the fact that i haven't been sleeping well lately. lucky for patrick though, he slept through the night, morning actually... 4:00 am til 11:00 am. for babies, that's something.

i was able to talk to my ex-boyfriend last night via ym. i was happy til it lasted... it always feels good talking to him as long as i don't see the words "i have to go now" it always gave me the same feeling i felt when i was pregnant and he went to cebu. i didn't want him to go, but he still did. i felt so unloved and left behind as if he's never coming back.

in contrary, i was the one who broke up with him. i was the one who left him and went here. now i ask myself, "did i give up on him too soon?"

when i asked him if he still loves me, this is what he said:

pag nakikita kita or nakakausap kita, sinasabi ko sa sarili na.
" i'm so stupid na pinapunta pa kita sa states.
mas masaya ako kung kasama kita ngayon."
well, just read between the lines

sex and the city

the final episode

"If you find someone to love the "you" you love,
well, that's just fabulous."

i've just seen the final episode of sex and the city... can't believe it's the last. but i have to say that it was a great finale. it didn't leave anything hanging. it was indeed an end for all the past "issues" and a beginning of a new life for each one of them - Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha. you'll be happy for them... for those who are really sentimental, you might even find yourself teary-eyed.

my wish list:
* get dvd's of the 6 seasons of sex and the city
* go to new york
* buy a manolo blahniks
* find myself a "mr. big"

you can check these out:

from hbo

from people

short-lived

moments like this make me wish you were here beside me and our son.
we were playing, talking, laughing and smiling.
great experience.
i couldn't think of anyone to share it with but you.
i hope someday you'll realize that patrick and i are all you need.
we make you complete.

i sent this text message to him. i don't know if it was right but then it felt right. when i was talking to him the other night, for a moment, i felt how it is to have a "husband" and a "father" for patrick. i was happy... but in the end, i knew that it wouldn't last.

11 weeks old

patrick is 11 weeks old today! glad that he's healthy and happy...

here are some of our pictures...

here are the things he has learned or got from me:

* takot sa araw
* t.v. addict
* night owl
* sa floor natutulog
* gusto may ilaw pag natutulog
* ayaw ng hinahawakan ang mukha
* laging nakabusangot
* nakakunot ang nuo
* nakadapa matulog
* malambing (hehehe)

here are the things he does now:

* imitates the words or sounds we make
* grabs things he likes
* sits on his bouncer and watches t.v.
* tries to walks
* jumps when excited
* stops smiling when he sees the camera (camera shy! hehehe)
* drives me crazy

this is the real world

hmm... i wasn't able to do anything the whole day. patrick was asleep so i grabbed the chance to get a lot of sleep too. good thing my mom and stepdad weren't around to tell me that i have to do this and that... also they weren't around to make me feel guilty that i've allowed another day to pass by without accomplishing anything.

sometimes i get the feeling that i've become really lazy and so not productive. i don't work, i don't go to school, i don't do anything! and that makes me worthless and useless!

when i got here and i was still pregnant, i was preoccupied with so many thoughts such as how will my baby look, will it be a boy or a girl, how would it feel... many questions. somehow, this made me avoid the realities of life. maybe because i was scared to face them, maybe because i was lost and i didn't know what to do, maybe because i was overwhelmed and unable to digest things that were thrown at me...

now that i've given birth already, i have to go back in track. i need to start doing things. but i haven't. hmm... that doesn't sound good. i think i'm making excuses so as not to face the responsibilities and consequences of my previous actions. does that mean i'm having regrets?

yes, i know that things have changed and it will never be the same. i'm not quite sure if i'll be able to handle it though. i'm now really scared. in some ways, i've failed already, but i want to get up. i really do. i'm just not sure if i'm as brave as i think i am.

HaPpY BiRtHdAy, MaMa eLs!!!

last christmas with my
adorable baby patrick
and beautiful mama els

wake me up from this dream

my son and i were sound asleep... i had a bad dream. they say, dreaming is a way for your unconscious to do, say, feel and think things that you are not brave enough to experience when you are conscious.

in my dream i once again came face to face with my ex-boyfriend. i confronted him, asked him so many questions and demanded that he tell me everything. although i didn't really understand any of the things he said, i felt the pain. i was angry, crying for i couldn't stand the truth. i tried to hurt him in all the ways i knew, slapping him, kicking him, punching him, scratching him, everything... yet in my dream it didn't seem enough to make me feel better. what an intense feeling?! i knew it was just a dream but i couldn't wake up, i didn't want to wake up because i was too weak to do so. and for a reason, patrick woke up. he screamed so loud and was crying like he never did before. i felt it like a bang, and that woke me up.

i hugged my son so tight, telling him it's ok and that i love him. i felt his warmth as if assuring me that he'll never leave me. i was scared, we both were but together, we were able to comfort each other.

could it be that he had the same dream i was having? could it be that my son felt my pain? what a mystery?!

joys of being a mom

i love the weather! it's so conducive for yupyupan (a word i got from my mom) and lambingan. and that's what my son and i did the whole day. wonderful!!!

he woke me up by moving a lot and kicking me. (hehehe. i got used to it already) i know he just needs his diaper changed and wants his milk. but what was so extra-ordinary about this morning is how he responded when i said, "good morning, baby!" he looked at me, smiled and made googoo that for me, kinda sounded like "good morning!" too. the letters "g" in good and "m" in morning were very distinct. that made my heart ecstatic. i've seen him before though imitate the sounds i make and how my mouth moves when i say "i love you" and "blow" (for his first birthday. hehehe. teaching him how to blow the candle of his cake this early) that simple gesture made my day complete... what more can i ask for?

for dinner, we went to my mom's friend's house. it's the first time they saw me after i've given birth. so they had so many questions like how was it? how long did it take? was it painful? and all the other questions related to the whole experience. all i could say is "it's so amazing!"

for those who didn't know, i gave birth on my birthday... isn't that great?! and yeah, we were expecting a girl and my baby turned out to be a boy. so, December 09,2003 is and will forever be unforgettable to me.

i never really had a hard time giving birth to my son. considering that it was my first, i did rather well. hehehe. i wasn't in pain at all. i was actually laughing and watching t.v. while in "labor". there were times that i didn't even realize i was having a contraction not until the nurse told me i'm actually having one. hahaha. of course with the technology here, they are able to detect contractions and how strong they are. i guess i have a high pain threshold and it also helped that i expected the worst.

i look at my son and i'm still astonished to see him very much alive. it wasn't so long ago, he was still in my tummy, that i first heard his heartbeat, felt him move and saw his profile through a sonogram. what a miracle?!

should have known better

i was able to talk to my ex-boyfriend about things i never thought we could talk about without fighting. that must be good, right? finally, we have learned to be mature in handling our situation. i guess, parents would really do everything for their children. and believe me, talking without fighting is such a task for the both of us.

ok, ok. i was shaking at first. especially when i was waiting for his reaction upon his first sight of his son. i asked him to go to my blog and check out the pictures of patrick. i held my breath and waited... then he said, "grabe! ang gwapo ng anak ko!!! mana sa daddy." (ok, you could skip the last part. hahaha) i was of course, happy, almost teary-eyed for this was such a big moment for me, for us.

another highlight of this conversation was when he told me about his plans of getting a canadian visa. his reasons? to be near us and help me financially in providing for our son's needs. pretty impressive, don't you think? but why only now? he could have thought of that months ago. and maybe i wouldn't have decided of leaving him completely. maybe i would have come back for him. i mean the mere intention of doing something for us, is enough for me. what took him this long? what made him change, if he did change? what was he waiting for? questions. questions. questions.

then he said, "enough about our son, let's talk about you." i know it doesn't sound good but hear this out. he just wanted to know how i was doing, if i have a boyfriend already and how many suitors i have, if i do. and i'm like, what?!?! anyway, i told him that i'm fine even without a boyfriend. it's not my priority anyway. and it's all about our son now. stupid me! i wanted to be honest and told him this, "kung magpapakatino ka, i'll marry you. syempre kasi ikaw ang daddy ni patrick. gusto ko din kasi talaga magkaanak pa na babae. eh, i'm not naman the type na mag-aanak sa iba't ibang lalake. saka, mahal na mahal naman kita dati e." i said that with the assumption that he still wants us to be together since he initiated the whole conversation with "nin, miss na miss kita... sinubukan kong kalimutan ka pero di ko kaya." i mean, what was i supposed to think when he said that? then he goes, "sana pag may bf ka na at may gf na ako, friends pa rin tayo." what the hell?!?!

so, my whole world almost fell apart... again! because of the same person who has caused me so much pain already. but this time, i don't blame him. it's my fault for believing in fairytales, for dreaming that he's my prince charming who will come rescue me. fool! fool! fool!

now here's my song:

Baby shame on you, if you fool me once
Shame on me if you fool me twice
You've been a pretty hard case to crack
Should've known better but I didn't
And I can't go back

from Life Goes On - Leann Rimes

homesick

for a moment or so, nina wanted to go back to the philippines

i've been able to get in touch with a lot of my friends these past few days. thanks to ym and text messaging. they all had something in common... they want me to go back to the philippines. if you ask me, i want na rin.

i really miss my friends there. i just have to text or call them and my day seems to be complete already. i miss spending hours with them doing nothing... just talking lang about anything. i also miss going to the mall, window shopping, eating, watching movies and all the other crazy but fun things we used to do. sometimes tuloy i tell myself na i should have spent more time with them. i should have stayed sa school a little longer so that i could hang out with them. hindi iyong uwi ako nang uwi nang maaga para matulog. (hahaha) i should have at least told them how much they mean to me. ay! and the feeling i hate the most is when something important is happening in their lives, may it be good or bad, i'm not there to share it with them. the same way na i have so many things i want to share with them pero kahit i email pa to them all the details, it doesn't seem to be enough.

some people tell me na in a few more months, most likely i'll be able to adjust na. what if i don't want? what if i want things to be the same? i know, i know, things will never be the same. a lot has changed since i left but one thing's for sure, as long as you guys still want me to be your friend, i'll always be here. i miss you all so badly!

i'm tired but it's worth it

i think my son knew that something special was going to happen to him. he was so restless last night as if he was excited about something. he didn't sleep right away even if he seemed so tired from all the places we went to yesterday. and after my mom gave him a bath this morning, he didn't sleep either. usually kasi, he does. when we got at the church he fell asleep but woke up just before the priest arrived who happens to have the same name as his - patrick. during the ceremony, he was quiet except when he saw my mom, he started crying. i think he wanted my mom to carry him. (spoiled kasi sa lola) i just gave him the pacifier, and that calmed him down. i was expecting him to cry when the water is being poured on his forehead but he didn't. he just opened his eyes and look at the priest then slept again. at the end of everything, it was time to take pictures. click click! guess what? he woke up! and was ready to have his pictures to be taken. it took forever before we could finally leave the church. we then went to the restaurant. i had him changed into a more comfortable attire. and before we knew it, he was asleep again. but for some reasons, he wakes up every now and then. i guess he was just stimulated by the different faces he is seeing and the different voices he is hearing. he graced the guests with some smile and some sounds. and everyone just found him so cute and adorable. well, he really is.

so what was mommy doing the whole time? i was very busy. actually since last night pa. i made sure that everything that patrick needed was prepared. his attire, candle, white cloth to be placed on his chest, cameras (with an "s" which means there were several), name tag, and of course his baon: extra clothes, diaper, milk, pacifier and the other essentials. then i remembered, i should make something for the room we have reserved at the restaurant. so i made a banner and small boxes for chocolates that were given to the guests. i almost forgot that i haven't found myself something to wear so i just borrowed a nice dress from my mom. (i haven't really gone shopping for clothes since i'm still expecting to lose some more pounds and inches in the coming months. i hope...) it doesn't sound much but believe me, it's exhausting since i was carrying pa patrick the whole time during the ceremony. (that's 13 lbs & 8 oz) no sleep plus that equals a really tired mommy.

but it's worth it! anything for my son is worth it... i think that once you become a mom, you'll know the true meaning of selflessness.

welcome to the Christian World!

my little angel just received the Sacrament of Baptism this afternoon. and here's my prayer for my baby:

Dear God,

You have blessed me with so many things. And I'm so thankful for that but most especially for giving me a son who is so perfect in every way. Things have been difficult the last year yet I manage to be strong because I draw strength from him. Please bless him with lots of love, peace as well as happiness. Please guide me too, so that I'll be able to do well in bringing him up, making him a good Christian and in helping him to be the best that he could be. Lead us to the right path and may we never lose our way...

N.E.U.J

happy valentine's day

the day didn't start right... well, i kinda knew that i won't be feeling that love is in the air since there is a war going on between to piscians. (read along and go figure who i'm talking about)

it's not as if i was expecting something sweet and beautiful to happen today since i don't have a special someone anyway but what i had in mind was just a quiet day, staying at home with my son. i wanted us to have some time alone, cuddling maybe. since this is our first and all i got is him, all he got is me... what could be a better way of celebrating valentine's day?

i wanted us to just lay on my bed and be lazy. hehehe. i love it since my son seems to love it too. he gets to sleep well when i'm beside him, hugging and kissing him. but my mom woke me up telling me that we're going to a town fiesta. i insisted that we just be left behind but then i couldn't leave my mom with my stepdad as well since... (it's a long story. i don't think now is the right time to elaborate on that) so in short, we went to the fiesta. i saw a bunch of people i don't know. what's so fun about that? nothing! not my idea of celebrating valentine's day.

afterwards, we went to mission viejo. my mom made a reservation at this great chinese restaurant. i wasn't that hungry so i've just set my mind on having some tea and a slice of chocolate cake. yummy! (indulge on a slice of this 6 layer chocolate cake with raspberry sauce called the great wall of chocolate... it's valentine's day anyway. hahaha) when i was just about to do that, someone called on my stepdad's cellular phone telling us that the reservation that we made at another restaurant for tomorrow, an early dinner after patrick's baptism was cancelled for a reason we don't understand. i think there was a miscommunication on their part but this was stressing us out. so we had to leave the restaurant right away so that we could go to that other restaurant and set things straight.

while my mom and i were waiting for my stepdad who got the car from the parking lot, i told my mom that this is the worst valentine's day i've had in my entire life. maybe it really would have been better if patrick and i just stayed at home. i can see it in my eyes mom though that she wasn't happy either. i just hope that next week, on her birthday, things will be better.

my dad, my real dad, sent me a text message this morning. he just greeted me a happy valentine's day. i was surprised because i dreamt of him. i was supposed to text him to tell him about it when i got his message. anyway, i think that's the only good thing that happened to me today... my dad texting me is his way of telling me that he still loves me.

well, the day is almost over. i'm home now, with my son who seems to be in a bad mood as well. goodbye valentine's day! i'm looking forward to another day... that's tomorrow! and i know, it won't be this bad.

a letter to mr. right

dear mr. right,

i don't think we've met but when we do, i'll know for sure that it's you... that you're the ONE.

n.e.u.j

well, well, well... what if i've met him and i just didn't know? oh! dear God, please give me a sign. i need my prince charming to come rescue me. life's been pretty tough and it would be great if i had someone who would be there to catch me if i fall... again.

just last year

exactly a year ago, i decided to get back with my ex-boyfriend. i remember telling him, "ok. let's give it another try." there was just something i saw in him that i never saw before. and i made a vow that this time around, i'll do everything to make it last. i won't give up on him, on us when things get tough. i would love him all the way. i was really happy... i knew he loved me back, in his own little way. and i thought i could live with that. that should be enough i said.

one of the memories i have of him that i would never forget is how he swept me off my feet on february 14, valentine's day. a day that we usually laugh at... why "celebrate" it when you can show your love to a person anytime, any day? remember the song "each day with you becomes a valentine." ?

he went to our house... it was kinda late already. he was apologizing for not getting me something on our first day as a couple but then i wasn't really expecting anything from him because i know he's just not the type. then, when i was about to ride his car, he opened the door, assisted me like a princess and before my very eyes, i saw this beautiful basket of red roses. it melted my heart. and all i could think of is how much i love him and how much he loves me. perfect! i hugged him with a few tears in my eyes. tears of joy, that is. and i told myself, how i wish, this moment never ends....

a year later, here i am, miles miles away from him. wondering if he's thinking of me. wondering if he misses me. wondering if he still loves me. if you ask me, i still see him, feel him... for i will always have him... and all i have to do is look into the eyes of our son.

no matter what, i'll always be the mom

i think my son missed me last night...

well, i was busy the whole day making the invitations for his party next month. it consumed a lot of hours. from making the design, printing it, cutting it to the right size, putting them in its envelope then placing my return address sticker. i'm proud of my work though.



but i felt kinda bad as well because it seemed as if i've missed out on so many things...

my mom accidentally cut his finger while trying to clip his nails. i didn't know that it bled a lot because when my mom brought him to me, he wasn't crying anymore. aww... wawa my baby! =(

then just before dinner time, i had to leave for a seminar which is a requirement for his baptism on sunday. it was over in an hour but when i got home he was asleep. i didn't want to wake him up of course.

when we were about to have dinner, he finally woke up. i tried to eat as fast as i could so that i could attend to him. i wanted so badly to hug him, kiss him and play with him. when i finally finished, i got my son from my mom and went to my room. yes! yes! yes! we were just getting started when my mom came and "kidnapped" my son. my mom told me to wash the dishes and clear the table. kainis! but what can i do? pretty much nothing.

at around midnight, my mom and stepdad can't calm my son down. he just wouldn't stop crying. so they finally thought of bringing him to me. buti naman! instantly, he stopped crying. i hugged him so tight and kissed him endlessly. i whispered "mommy's here. mommy loves you." aww... when my stepdad saw that my son has stopped crying, he took patrick from me thinking that he'll be able to make him sleep. but it turned out that patrick didn't "want" him. so he had no choice but to bring patrick back to me. deep in my heart i said, "hahaha. finally, they realized that no matter how close they may seem to my son, i'm still the mom! there will always be this special bond between my son and me. and no one can take that away from me, from us..."

supermom

have i become one?

one important thing i've learned as a mom, you should be able to do several things at the same time. also known as multi-tasking. and in doing so, you need to have presence of mind otherwise, you would freak out and go crazy! believe me, it's not that easy especially if the baby is crying and all you could think of is running to him and see what's wrong. decent sleep is sometimes out of the question. why? there would be times when the baby wants you by his side even when he's asleep. just move a little and you've ruined what you thought was a sound sleep. so what's the best thing to do? don't sleep. wait til someone else is willing to take care of the baby. in my case, that would be my mom or stepdad. but then, there would still be a lot of things to do like do the laundry, wash the bottles, prepare the formula, and make sure that the baby has everything he needs (diaper, formula, medicine, legal papers, insurance, etc.) it could be really draining, physically, mentally and financially.

but no matter how life-changing having a baby is, it's worth it! a smile or a googoo from your baby is enough to make your day. you just can't help but fall in love with them every second of everyday for the rest of your life...

picture perfect

i would like to introduce my son, patrick vincent...







i know, i know, the pictures are kinda BIG. but can you blame me? he's just too cute and i would love you to see what i mean.

feeling my son's pain

my son, patrick just turned 2 months. he had 4 shots this afternoon. ouch!!! and it said in the handout the nurse gave me, "your child may need extra love and care after getting immunized. many of the shots that protect children from serious diseases can also cause discomfort for a while." ay! when i saw my baby crying, i couldn't help but carry him and hug him really tight just to make him feel that mommy's here. somehow, i think that made him calm down. but as the hours went by, i guess that's the only time he truly felt the pain. he seemed weak, sleeeping most of the time. he made sounds that were more like a cry for comfort. i don't blame him. how would you feel if you were given 4 shots in less than 5 minutes? we checked on his temperature and found out that he got a slight fever. as the doctor advised us, we could give him tylenol to make him feel better. i was so happy to see the way he reacted to the medicine. he seemed to like it. and that's good because i wouldn't want him to feel any pain anymore.

i hope you'll feel better soon, baby. i love you so much!

haunted by my past

do you know this song? "always something there to remind me..."

i left the philippines thinking that i could runaway from so many things. i wanted to forget certain events, places and even people. i thought that being away from them would keep them off my mind. but i guess that would never be the case.

this would be the best example:
i went to the town fiesta of imus, cavite here in california. i saw a lot of faces - some old, some new. but being there from 11:00 am to 5:30 pm made me realize that some of these faces are so familiar to me. why? because one of them, actually two pa nga, look a lot like my ex-boyfriend, roderick. he happens to be the father of my son as well. ay! i looked at mr. ed acuna and i was laughing just imagining that in a few years, roderick would look like him. so i told my mom about it and here's what she said... "may isa pa na mas kamukha ni dick [roderick]... iyong naka black jacket at yellow na polo shirt. dati, payat pa yan, akala ko talaga si dick." imagine that? two men who were in the same room reminding me of a man who i so badly wanted to forget. hahaha. :)

but then, i came to my senses. i have this super adorable and charming son, patrick vincent who, no matter what i do, would always remind me of him. although they don't have any resemblance, at least not yet, patrick would never have existed in my world without his father. and for that, i thank roderick.

crazy thing called LOVE

do you know how it feels?

* you have so much love to give yet you don't know the best way to show it.
* you love each other but then you're in a situation wherein you can't be together.
* you love him but for some reasons he just can't love you back.
* the worst, you make yourself believe that you love the person just because he loves you and you want to feel loved.

ay! kainis talaga minsan, but nevertheless, i still believe in the magic of LOVE...