thoughts of a purple butterfly

surprise party for arvin

2004-07-24T22:22:00.000-07:00

it's going to be arvin's birthday on wednesday. i'm hoping that we'll be able to surprise him. hehehe. well, it would all depend on my stepdad. if he would be willing to bring me to l.a. then that would be fabulous. arvin and his cousins are having a practice and arvin has no idea that i've told his cousins to come up with something for him. if i'll make it there then i would bring a cake, some balloons and a banner. otherwise, i would just ask my brother to get me that polo arvin saw at gilroy which he really liked but he didn't buy because "he didn't have money" (in fact he has, he even got patrick a polo shirt from tommy hilfiger. did that sound like someone who doesn't have money??? hahaha) well, this is my only chance to come up with a "surpise" for him. for the last four months, he has always made my day with his little, sometimes big surprises. (well, last thursday, while we were doing the laundry, he surprised me with purple roses while i was folding the comforter. sweet... sweet... sweet...) and we might go to las vegas with my mom and patrick before school starts. oh yeah! going to las vegas was all my mom's idea...

Long Overdue Pictures

2004-07-23T21:33:00.000-07:00

This picture was taken in Reno, where we first met.

At Huntington Beach just recently.

At San Pedro trying to feed the pigeons.

We were at Huntington Beach.

Sarap naman ng tulog nitong dalawa...

Sweet kisses from Tito Arvin

Beautiful pictures taken by Arvin at Laguna Beach.

This was while watching the sunset and the dolphins.

Guess who took this picture...

Well, Arvin took these pictures. hehehe.

Don't we look almost like a couple???

please, please, please

2004-07-22T23:08:00.000-07:00

since i had to start from scratch, i lost all your urls. how sad... so if it's not too much to ask, please email them to me at seanshie@yahoo.com or leave it on my tagboard so that i could get in touch with everyone again. russ... i'll be needing your help again. hehehe. thank you!!!

Hmm... What Happened???

2004-07-20T21:51:00.000-07:00

Well, I haven't been visiting my own blog for sometime and I was surprised to see that some parts of it are gone. I don't know what happened. I don't remember editing anything from my template so I don't get it... They are punishing me for not taking care of my blog. hehehe. Well, I'll try to fix it when I get the chance. When? Can't really tell. I'll be quite busy for the remaining days of these month: Arvin's Birthday, My Cousin's Surprise Birthday Party, Driving School and next month will be worse: My cousin's Wedding, My last weekend before school starts and school (no need to explain why that will keep me busy. hehehe)

Everything's doing great so far. My "no title" relationship with Arvin is getting better everyday, Patrick is growing really fast and I... I am keeping myself busy, enjoying each day and looking forward to what life has to offer me tomorrow... That will be all for now.

In case anyone knows what happened to my blog, kindly leave a message and explain to me what happened. hahaha.

Off to Gilroy

2004-07-16T13:01:00.000-07:00

i haven't seen my dad for more than a year. i wasn't even able to say goodbye when i left. long story kasi. biglaan iyong decision na dito na ako tumira e. i just left a letter to tell my dad na pumunta na ako sa states and that i was pregnant. i could just imagine how hurted my dad was when he got that letter. but then i had to do what i had to do. we're in good terms now. like they always say, pag nakita na ang apo, nawawala na ang galit nila. hehehe. lalo na when he found out na boy.

well, he's here to visit us pero nasa gilroy siya which is 5 hours away from where i live. arvin was kind enough to offer to drive us there. so, i'll be leaving for gilroy tonight. i'll be back by sunday morning.

what to expect??? i don't know. siguro maiiyak ako and matutuwa at the same time pero baka hindi nalang ako magpakita ng emotions ko. baka mapagtawanan lang ako ng mga kuya ko. hehehe. but seriously, sobrang namiss ko ang dad ko. this is the first time na super tagal akong napahiwalay sa kanya. it's not like i'm a daddy's girl but i just grew up na he's there. kahit hindi kami super close, pag umuuwi ako ng bahay, alam ko na nandyan siya. and when may chance, naglalambing ako sa kanya and i would put my head on his chest o kaya sleep on his lap. paano na kaya ngayon?

well, that's all. bago pa ako maiyak... have a great weekend!!!

For Patrick's First Birthday

2004-07-07T23:27:00.000-07:00

I know it's a bit too early but we're already starting to so some planning for Patrick's First Birthday. We already have a hotel reserved for the party which will be on December 11, 2004. I'm making a guestlist and jotting down details that I wouldn't want to forget. I might sing a song or two which I'm still thinking about because if I do decide to sing, I wouldn't want it to be just any song. I want it to be a song that would express how I feel for my son. Anyway, I'm in those "na-senti ang mommy" moods and I was able to write this letter which I intend to read to him on our birthday...

Dear Patrick,

When I found out that I was going to have you, I had mixed emotions. I was really excited yet scared at the same time. Excited because I’ve been dreaming of having you since I was a little girl. Scared because I wasn’t quite sure what kind of a mother I would turn out to be.

I can still remember how ecstatic I was when I first heard your heartbeat, when I first saw your image in the ultrasound and the technician told me that you’re a girl, (hahaha) and when you moved a lot while still inside my tummy, keeping me up almost every night. I couldn’t wait to see you that I would dream of you then in my mind I would to tell you that “I Love You So Much”

I still can’t help but be amazed by the fact that we have the same birthday. What could be a greater gift than that? And when I first heard your cry, it was music to my ears. I wanted so badly to hold you tight but I was afraid that I might hurt you. So, while everyone is asleep and I had you all for myself, I would stare at you almost teary-eyed because you’re so beautiful. I even asked myself, “How could someone not fall in love with this angel?”

With each month that passes, I am astonished by how eager you are to grow up when I want you to stay a baby forever. But then I know I shouldn’t stop you from trying what you can do and seeing what the world has to offer you. I want you to know, Baby that life is beautiful. I’m not promising you that things will be easy all the time. It could be tough sporadically but keep in mind that Mommy will always be by your side. I’ll never, ever leave you.

I’m sorry if there are times when I’m a bit selfish, thinking of myself before you. But believe me, everything that I do, I do it for you. You are always in my thoughts and your future is more important to me than anything. I would give up anything just to give you a good life for you deserve it. I wouldn’t want you to settle for anything less than that. That I promise you.

You’ve changed me in so many ways. You’ve been a source of strength during times when I feel like giving up. You brighten my days, giving me enough reason to get up each morning. Your smile melts my heart every time and when you touch my face, it just feels like heaven. There are moments when I still find myself crying because I don’t know what I did to deserve you but thank you so much for coming into my life, Baby.

For your first birthday, I wish that God would bless you with good health, happiness and lots of love. Happy, happy Birthday, Baby. I love you so much.

Mommy

i'm here

2004-07-01T18:23:00.000-07:00

i haven't been posting as often as i used to. i wouldn't want to give up blogging but for now, i don't think i have anything worth posting for awhile.

no interesting stories to share... no kilig stories to make my day... no deep thoughts to ponder on...

blogging has helped me a lot. it was a way for me to express myself and actually feel as if someone is listening. i didn't feel like i was alone anymore. i also got to kepp in touch with friends and luckily gained more. though i'm not the ideal friend, i want you to know that i'm still here. if you need anything, just let me know. leave me a message in m tagboard or email me at seanshie@yahoo.com. i may be out of the scene for awhile but like i said, i'm still here.

don't worry about me because i'm fine. and i know everyone is wondering whatever happened to arvin. he's still here. he never left. it's just that the fairytale is over. time to wake up because you can never run away from reality forever. i have things, important things to think about like my studies, my future and of course the life i want to give my son. arvin on the other hand has his own life to think about. we need to refocus.

well, if fate will be kind then maybe someday, you'll be reading something like "after all, we're now living happily together". hehe. but if it just wasn't meant to be then i'll always have this blog to back to and remember the days... the good days.

promise, you'll hear from me again. and i'll have more stories to tell. new stories: some may be happy, some sad, some good and even bad but isn't that what makes life beautiful?!

passenger seat

2004-06-25T19:32:00.000-07:00

ay... before things got panget, there was a moment earlier that was really kilig. i love this song when i was in the philippines pa but when i got here, i wasn't quite sure if sumikat siya here. surprisingly, arvin was singing it sa car on our way to a hotel. kilig naman ako kasi feeling ko, he's singing it for me. nag ilusyon na naman ako. then... tantarantan!!! i don't know what happened! bigla kaming nagka-cold war. ay! kainis! anyway, here's the lyrics of the song. nevertheless, kilig pa rin ako and the song is kinda perfect pa rin for us.

I look at her and have to smile
As we go driving for a while
Looking nowhere in the open window of my car
And as we go the traffic lights
Watch them glimmer in her eyes
In the darkness of the evening

And I've got all that I need
Right here in the passenger seat
Oh and I can't keep my eyes on the road
Knowing that she's inches from me

We stop to get something to drink
My mind pounds and I can't think
Scared to death to say i love her
Then a moon peeks from the clouds
Hear my heart that beats so loud
Try to tell her simply

That I've got all the I need
Right here in the passenger seat
Oh and I can't keep my eyes on the road
Knowing that she's inches from me

Oh and I've got all the I need
Right here in the passenger seat
Oh and I can't keep my eyes on the road
Knowing that she's inches from me

Oh and I know this love grow

Oh I've got all the I need
Right here in the passenger seat
Oh and I can't keep my eyes on the road
Knowing that she's inches from me

And I've got all that I need
Right here in the passenger seat
Oh and I can't keep my eyes on the road
Knowing that she's inches from me

And I've got all that I need
Right here in the passenger seat
Oh and I can't keep my eyes on the road
Knowing that she's inches from me

And I've got all that I need
Right here in the passenger seat

guilty as charged

2004-06-23T23:09:00.000-07:00

as i was playing with patrick a few minutes ago, i almost cried. i feel so guilty for not telling him as often as i should how much i love him. crazy me! i never fail to tell arvin i love him but here's my son with no one else but me... how could i do that to him?!

now that arvin is lost somewhere... again! i think i'm getting tired trying to run and look for him. i don't know how long i could wait for him. i know that what i'm waiting for is just words but sometimes action does not speak louder than words. you ought to hear it too. maybe he's just not ready... maybe he never will...

patrick never fails to make me feel needed. he calls me "nia" everytime he wakes up in the middle of the night. even without seeing me, he knows it's me just by the mere sound of my feet as i walk. he holds my hand. he reaches for my face. he smiles at me. he loves me even if i'm not perfect. why did i fail to see this?!

here comes the tears... falling one by one as my finger touches the key. what did i do to deserve him? and now, it's no longer arvin i'm talking about... it's my SON. it's MY BABY PATRICK!

arvin's behavior pattern

2004-06-22T23:50:00.000-07:00

whenever something nice happens to us it's kinda automatic that for a few days, arvin will turn cold. i mean nothing big but just noticeable. i think that's his ways of balancing things. he doesn't want things to be perfect. well, either that or he has a serious intimacy problems. hehe. kidding! well, i used to get paranoid but i'm getting used to it. i was kinda busy anyway fixing my room so i guess i didn't have the time to go crazy again. but maybe eventually, he'll miss me somehow and would wanna talk or even see me right away. ay...

patrick's room

2004-06-22T23:45:00.000-07:00

i just finished fixing patrick's room. after all the painting arvin and i did, i had to clean up: remove the masking tape and throw the newspapers we used to cover the floor. i then installed the blinds and curtain rod. i also mounted several framed pcitures and posters. i did all of these by myself and i'm so proud of the end-product. patrick's room look so pleasing to the eye. since it's the room at the end of the corridor, when the door is open, it's color is so attention-catching. i showed it to patrick and his reaction was enough to take all more tiredness away.

15 hours

2004-06-22T23:17:00.000-07:00

remember what i told you about our plans to fix patrick's room? well, that's just what we did last saturday.

arvin got here at around 3:30 pm. we had to run to holiday inn to check the penthouse which we're considering for patrick's and mine. joint birthday celebration party on december.

after that, we passed by anna's linene to get some curtain and curtain rod. it wasn't really part of the plan but it was something i thought of while waiting for arvin. blinds are just too simple for me. hehe. anyway, i just told arvin to stay in the car with patrick since it won't take me that long anyway. when i got back to the car, arvin was preparing patrick's formula. i was so proud of him for being able to figure it out by himself. he tried calling me but i left my phone in the car.

then we went to home depot to buy everything we need for painting patrick's room as well as a new sent of blinds. arvin was really excited that for awhile he was getting a lot of things enough to paint the whole house. of course, i had to stop him from over spending.

so after spending $85, we went to target to get a cabinet which cost more than i expected that arvin had to pay for what was lacking. yikes! anyway, he got some ice cream, butter pecan: his ultimate favorite. he also got a dvd that we could watch while painting.

finally we grabbed some food ar manila grille.

by the time we got home, it was 7:30 pm already. initially he told me that he had to leave by 9:00 pm but i guess he saw that i was uneasy and restless because i wanted the room to be done by wednesday. i knew he was tired so i didn't make him kulit but my arvin just knows how to keep his word...

he then started painting. i told him that we don't have to finish the everything that night. i was excited that i was asking him if there was a proper way of stroking the paint brush. like a student, i watched him while he was telling me that i didn't have to do anythng since he was here to take care of evrything. ay... my sweetie is spoiling me. hehe. but he made me try it just for me to know how to do it.

for awhile, arvin was really quiet. he was so into painting that i had to keep myself busy too. i then assembled the cabinet we got.

time flied so fast that i didn't realize it was way past 9:00 pm. i should have known this but i was still surprised when he told me that he intends to finish the whole room.

a few hours later, we tool a break til my parents got home from the party. then back to work...

after sometime, here goes my mom talking and talking which i guess somehow kept arvin up. hahaha. but by 3:00 am, my mom went to bed.

arvin insisted that i sleep and i would deny that i was sleepy even if i kept on yawning. i couldn't just leave him there.

then i got hungry with my tummy making sounds to prove it. hahaha. arvin then insisted that we eat some pansit. as usual, he made me subo like a baby.

i just remembered, on our way home, he was driving with his left hand, feeding patrick with his right hadn and gave me a kiss on the forehead saying, "there, i'm taking care of my baby, my big baby and driving at the same time."

back to my kwento, arvin went back to the room and painted. i stayed on the bed and watched him.

before we knew it, the sun was rising. too bad the sky has been gloomy lately but it's the idea that counts, together til sunrise.

he was done by 6:00 pm. it was so hard to make him leave. i just wanted to hug him and be hugged by him, keep each other warm and just enjoy every second that we share.

that's 15 hours... that's 15 wonerful hours.

twist of fate

2004-06-17T20:15:00.000-07:00

i know that i've posted several times how much my mom is giving arvin and i a "hard time." but i guess the heaven is on our side na. surprisingly, my mom "opened up" to arvin kanina which is a good indication that she's starting to feel comfortable na kay arvin. actually, sinabi niya kay arvin iyon. hehe. she also said it herself na welcome na si arvin sa bahay. yehey!!! what more can i ask for? wala na siguro. but i have to admit na for awhile, i was scared kasi iyong mga pinag uusapan nila panay tungkol sa mga failed relationships ni mama, how hard it is na mag asawa and the reality na there's no perfect partner in life. everyone has a "story", a flaw, something to compromise, something to sacrifice, something to give up. eh, the hopeless romantic me, nadedepress sa mga ganyang kwento. i'm still hopeful kasi that i'll get married someday and have a happy family. parang while my mom was sounding like dinidiscourage kami na mag asawa, she's crashing na rin my dream. pero after that, i'm ok na ulit. i mean, this is rare and actually is a first kasi never pa nagsalita ng ganyan si mama sa someone significant ko. although, hindi pa rin naman kami ni arvin and i don't think we will be anytime soon, happy na ako with how things are going between us. kanina nga we went shopping for things for patrick's room. we would discuss muna before deciding on what to buy tapos when i assembled the toy chest, bakit hindi ko daw siya hinintay para kaming dalawa ang nag-assemble. sabi ko, "don't worry. may bibilhin pa tayo sa saturday. saka magpipinta pa tayo ng room." yup! on saturday, we'll paint patrick's room, change the blinds, mount the frames and assemble shelves. akala mo bagong lipat ng bahay. hehehe. i'm so excited na! this is something ulit!

maybe

2004-06-16T00:04:00.000-07:00

i don't really mind that arvin and i gets to be busy, too busy pa nga minsan e because at the end of the day, we would have a lot of stories to share. but then i don't know why... i'm getting lonely. this loneliness is leading me to become paranoid. i wonder, do i ever cross his mind whenever he's busy "being there" for others? i now there's nothing really to worry about. at least, arvin didn't do anything to make me feel this wasy but i don't know. i just can't help asking questions which i know would never be answered. questions that are not really meant to be answered. bakit kaya ganito na naman ako? maybe i just miss him. maybe i just love him too much. maybe i completely lost my mind and gone insane. maybe...

today's horoscope

2004-06-14T18:54:00.000-07:00

Serious partnership issues must be tackled today. There are formalities involved. Look to the established way of doing things and ask yourself at your deepest core if this is the way you want things to be.

i know it's crazy to say this but this was my yesterday's horoscope. i didn't erase it from my inbox but surprisingly this had some connection with what arvin and i talked about last night. on his way home from san diego, arvin was in the mood to talk... we were talking about his childhood memories which i must say were really kainggit cause he was able to do a lot of things. it's like he would have so many stories to tell his children and grandchildren when he get old and gray. i don't know how but we ended up talking about crushes, courtship, relationship and everything else that has something to do with the crazy thing called "love". ay! i dreaded having these kind of conversations for i don't know what to expect. but i guess there's no way of escaping it.

i realized and actually told arvin that i don't think makakapag asawa pa siya. why??? it's like he's devoting his whole life for other people. he never really thinks of hs future. it's always others. then i thought, what if i'm one of those "others"? what if i'm no one special? what if he's just being kind to me like he is to everyone else? he's naturally a "good samaritan", what then makes "us" special? maybe i got paranoid but then can you blame me? it seems as if arvin will never be able to commit. anyway, that's fine with me. or is it?

he never promised me anything naman e so i shouldn't get hurt with this reality. i'm happy naman with how things are. and he has always treated me well. that i should be very thankful for.

so, i kept myself busy today para i won't think of him too much. of course, i'm looking forward to talking to him later. maybe i'm being too available to him. will he notice me kaya? nevertheless, i love him.

so, what's up?

2004-06-13T21:20:00.000-07:00

well, i said yesterday that arvin is going to be here to paint patrick's room but i just found out that he's in san diego. hehehe. he's with his friends. it's been awhile naman kasi since the last time he came to see them. he told me that he used to drive there evry two weeks pero since yata nung dumating ako, twice nalang siya nakapunta don. therefore, i won't make him kulit. at least, i'll try.

anyway, he was here last night. he brought me food and roses. it's so cute how he smiled lang at me when he saw me by the door tapos nilampasan ako to go to patrick and give him a hug. may kiss pa. patrick din was so happy to see him. then they started to play. humabol tuloy si patrick kay arvin. hehehe.

by the way, my baby patrick turned six months old last wednesday. he had his check up last tuesday for his vaccines. he now pala weighs 22 lbs and is 27 3/4 in long. ay! he's getting really big. super likot and hyper din. hindi mapakali sa isang lugar. parang kiti kiti. he knows how na to make habol when someone's leaving and marunong na rin magtawag although hindi pa distinct iyong words. and kahit ayokong aminin minsan, he's starting to look like his biological dad. nothing against it... gwapo naman dad niya pero syempre, mas gwapo si patrick!!! hahaha.

me??? how am i? in general, i'm ok naman. i better start my practice driving para i could get na my license. i also need to start walking and working out again. i need to be active and be into sports kahit na hindi talaga ako ganon since i want patrick to be active and be into sports. well, nandyan naman si arvin so somehow, i have a personal trainer, who i have to say is pretty strict! hahaha. pero minsan i do the face para makalusot sa kanya. hahaha.

well, that's all. hope you guys have a great week ahead of you
! take care!

hectic week

2004-06-12T19:37:00.000-07:00

hello! hello! i'm back. i had a very busy week that i didn't really get the chance to check my blog or post anything. anyway, the highlight of the week: i finally took my written test for driving. and i passed!!! yehey! one take lang! usually kasi kahit magaling ka magdrive, madaming bumabagsak sa written test. hehehe. anyway, i'll take the actual driving test before this month ends so that by next month, i already have my license. of course, my ever supportive arvin was there with me at dmv. he was really proud of me. i thought kasi na ibabagsak ko iyong test since i don't "feel" like taking it but i guess i'm not that hopeless after all when it comes to driving.

about my mom naman, well, i'm not sure but i think she's slowly "accepting" na the significance of arvin in my life. after kasi the test, i wasa really tired. actually si arvin ang inaantok and he said he'll take a nap but he couldn't because he could hear patrick crying so he took patrick from me. sila iyong naglaro sa labas. ako tuloy ang nakatulog. hahaha. hindi naman niya ako ginising. i only woke up when my parents arrived. they saw arvin with patrick outside and they asked where i was... nasa sofa, sleeping. hehehe. then my mom talked na to arvin na matino.

one more incident: my mom told my aunt about me passing the test. i guess my aunt asked who would go with me for practice driving then my mom told my aunt, "syempre and baby arvin niya" hahaha. funny talaga ng mom ko.

then last night din pala, after arvin and i talked, my mom asked me, "o, anong sabi ni arvin?" in a rather neutral manner. gets??? hindi iyong usual na parang nakikialam o nagagalit.

well, i guess that would be all for now. he is on his way here. dapat magpipinta kami ng room ni patrick but he didn't want to choose the wrong color of paint for the room. sabihin ko dwa muna kung anong color ang gusto ko then he'll go here again tomorrow to do the painting. another first na naman to... hehehe. i'll make kwento, promise!

If You're Not the One

2004-06-06T23:47:00.000-07:00

Arvin intended to come here again today since we have to finish another cabinet. For Arvin, once he starts something, he needs to finish it, no matter what it takes. He wants to keep his word… always!

He was at a party when he called and asked me if I wanted him to bring some food. Well, I wasn’t really carving for anything so I just told him that he doesn’t have to then he asked me to ask my Mom if she wanted anything. Crazy me, I made them talk. Hehehe. Well, they did then Arvin told me the food that he was going to bring and I’m like, “Ok. Take care. See you!”

While waiting for him, my Mom started asking things about Arvin which is kind of a good sign because that means she’s willing to get to know Arvin a little better. Maybe, just maybe, my Mom would start to “accept” him.

Arvin got here at around 6 PM with the food upon my Mom’s request. Then we went to the backyard and watered the plants… We stayed at the gazebo, enjoyed the fresh air and the remnants of the sunset, talked a little and set up ringtones for his phone. We downloaded some songs then he asked me what song do I want to be assigned to me… At first it was an old song entitled “Crazy” because he claims that the only thing that makes me a “psycho” is the fact that I love him [long kwento. I’ll just another entry for that] Then there’s “How Do I Live?” and finally, it was “If You’re Not the One” I don’t know what to choose since it’s not really my phone so I insisted that he decides on it. He chose… “If You’re Not the One” Why? Just ask him. I don’t know if it means anything but we both like that song…

If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘ Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I

Afterwards, I ate, tasted the food he brought while he was eating cherries. He even got my attention when there was this cherry that was shaped like a heart. Before working on the cabinet, he showed me the pictures from Laguna Beach as well as his pictures when he was in New York. [Promise! I’ll post the pictures next time. I have to scan it first.]

The pictures that he took of Patrick and me were beautiful. Although we weren’t looking they were those candid shots that look priceless and timeless. Gets??? And of course, there were those pictures of the three of us which also looks great no matter how much Arvin insisted that he looks panget. [Hindi naman! He makes lait naman his self palagi e.] Actually, in the pictures, we looked like a “couple” and with Patrick, it was even cuter. Hehehe.

Extra: There were pictures from New York where Arvin was with his friend which was a girl. Funny thing is her name is Grace Pablo. Two names that… hmm… “Grace” is the name of this girl who hates me a lot just because I was the first girlfriend of her boyfriend. [Pakialam ko ba sa kanila?! Hehehe.] and “Pablo” is the surname of my first boyfriend. What a coincidence?! But this will be the first and last time I’ll go “psycho” about this. I got jealous because I think Arvin and this Grace had a past. Then they spent some time together in New York with other friends naman. Then I heard pa something that Arvin said to this Grace which didn’t sound that good to me pero I wouldn’t want to make a big deal out of it because I trust Arvin. I was on the phone kasi that time. So upon seeing their pictures, I got jealous ulit. Told Arvin about it but he kind of over reacted by wanting to destroy the pictures but I insisted that he doesn’t have to. I respect their friendship. But I must say, somewhere there, Arvin assured him that I don’t have to be jealous. There was just no reason to be.

Ok, back to kwento. We assembled the cabinet and was able to finish it on time. Then before he left, my Mom teased him pa that probably, Arvin’s mom is looking for him na. Arvin’s mom was calling him na kasi on his phone but like I said, things are a lot better now between them. Katuwa no?!

So, that’s three days straight… Friday, Saturday and Sunday… We were able to spend quality time together doing extraordinary things. What more can I ask for?

Oh yeah, when we went to mass pala my Mom asked if susunod si Arvin. Hehehe.

Satuday's Special

2004-06-06T23:46:00.000-07:00

I was out the whole day yesterday… shopping! Hehehe. This kept my mind off Arvin for awhile. Not that I don’t want to think of him anymore cause I always do but I didn’t want us to get sawa at each other by talking on the phone whenever we’re not together. Arvin was busy with something as well anyway. So for a moment I thought there’s nothing to look forward to for the day. I mean nothing kakakilig. But of course, there’s always that “How was your day?” conversation before going to bed.

When I got home, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to call him. Hehehe. Just to let him know that I’m home already and just to check on him. I could have text him but since it’s a weekend, it’s more practical to call because it’s free and of course, I would rather hear his voice. It turns out, he’s in Santa Monica. Well, I’m not really surprise cause Arvin really loves to go to the beach. So I kind of assumed that it’s one of those days that he would want to be spent “alone.” No distraction from anyone: family, friends and even me. But I was moved when he kept me on the phone while he was walking and eating. He kept on saying, “Baby, ang ganda dito. Sana nandito ka.” And of course, the “I miss you so much, Baby.” I can’t deny it. I was missing him a lot too.

Out of nowhere, Arvin asked him if I want him to come here. And of course, without hesitation, I said “yes!” but he insisted that I tell my Mom first. So, I did. I guess, Arvin didn’t want us to get into any trouble. [Note: My mom is starting to be nice to Arvin. I don’t know why but of course, I’m really happy about it.] This is rather unusual for us because we don’t really have plans of going anywhere or doing anything. We’ll just stay home.

When he got here, I was cleaning Patrick’s bottles. I made him sit while waiting. He knew that I was doing the laundry as well. But knowing him, he couldn’t stand not doing anything so I asked him in a jokingly manner if he wants to fold Patrick’s clothes. Without wasting a minute, he got Patrick’s clothes and folded them. I was a bit embarrassed cause I know I shouldn’t be asking him to do that but at the same time, it made me love him even more cause how often could you meet a guy who’s willing to do that in front of other people {eg. my Mom and stepdad)? That’s my Arvin!!!

After that’s done, Arvin asked me if there’s something else we could do. It just so happen that my parents just got new cabinets for their room which needs to be assembled. I asked him if he wants us to try doing it and I’m sure you know what he said… “Come on. Let’s do it.”

So, I got the tools. And my dear Arvin is such a handy man that I found myself just staring at him while he’s working. But of course, I tried to help. He would teach me how to do things and sometimes even if he knows that he could do it faster, he would let me finish my “project” just to know how it feels. I was having such a great time because we’re actually doing something together. We “built” the cabinet together. Hehehe. How sweet could that be? And I had this crazy idea that if we end up together, we should keep that cabinet in our house. Hehehe.

Oh yeah, I shouldn’t forget, he had a rose for me…

I guess, through this experience, Arvin kind of earned my Mom’s respect or acceptance. She’s starting to talk to Arvin more, in a “comfortable” way and is actually a little friendlier than her usual especially when it comes to my suitor or boyfriend. Hahaha. This makes this worthy of posting. [Eh anything about Arvin is worth posting! What am I talking about?! Hahaha.]

Kilig! Kilig! Kilig!

2004-06-04T23:39:00.000-07:00

Arvin and I talked early this morning. He asked me to wake him up at 5:00 am because he had to bring a friend to the airport. It took me 30 minutes to convince him to get up. Hehehe. Pero I still found him cute… He kept on calling me “Baby” tapos pag tinanong mo “Why?” or “What?,” sasabihin, “Nothing!” For me, ang sweet sweet na nun. It almost sounded like “I love you.” Here I am again… Nag iilusyon na naman. Hahaha.

Anyway, after that call, hindi na kami nakapag usap the whole day kasi baka sumobra na naman ako sa allotted minutes ko. I didn’t want us getting into trouble again. [I don’t know kasi what’s up my Mom but lately, madinig lang ang pangalan ni Arvin, naiinis na. Tapos nung isang araw tinanong kay Patrick kung nasaan ang “Daddy” niya. Akala ko kuya ko ang tinutukoy niya. Si Arvin pala. So sabi ko “Nasa trabaho”. Biglang sabi ni Mommy, “Yuck!” Syempre masakit yon but then what can I do? Nothing! ] Arvin mentioned that he’ll try to come see me tonight but then I didn’t want to keep my hopes up since he said it himself that he isn’t that sure about it. Hindi na lang ako umasa na magkikita kami since wala din naman talaga kaming plano for the day e.

I texted him once or twice just to check on him and matagal bago siya naka reply. Galing kasi siya sa practice para sa debut ng cousin niya. He apologized since he won’t be able to make it daw. Susunduin pa daw kasi niya Mommy niya from work. Naintindihan ko naman, syempre! Pero it made me feel sad pa rin. So I just thought of going to my blog nalang and read my old entries…

I was so kilig to read my old entries with background music pa. Hehehe. Thanks to radio@aol, panay love songs. Kakaaliw to look back on how things started, how I felt the first time he texted me, nasa traffic kasi siya nun and everything else. It so amazing how many ways he had made me smile, laugh or feel good. Lahat ng nakalagay sa blog ko, isang tao lang ang may gawa. Gets???

I was so happy that I had to call him and make kwento. I started missing him a lot tuloy. I sounded really weird na nga because I would giggle and he’ll ask me why and I’ll tell him that I read lang something na nakakakilig. Then he’ll laugh. Then I’ll be shy. Hahaha. Parang bata! I was in the mood to reminisce kasi. And as much as I wanted to share what was written in my blog, ayaw ni Arvin malaman. For him kasi, those are mine, my thoughts, my feelings and I don’t really have to share it sa kanya. Hindi naman daw kasi lahat kailangan kong sabihin sa kanya. So, kahit alam niya na may blog ako, he doesn’t visit it. Pero minsan tempted siya. Hahaha.

I asked him where he was. On his way home na daw then he asked me where I was. Sabi ko “Nasa room ko.” Then he asked me, “What will you do if I was there?” Sabi ko “I’ll kiss you, make you kulit, tickle you, pinch you, and hug you. Hehehe.” Then he said, “Yeah right! Nandyan mga mommy mo e.” Then I said, “Hayaan mo na akong mag ilusyon. Wala ka na nga dito e.” Then he said na, “Oh, can I see you? Dali, ano? Can I see you?” Sabi ko, “Sure! Sure!” I knew naman kasi na he was kidding lang e. Naki-ride nalang ako. Then he said, “Sige open the door.” Takbo naman ako. Eh wala naman siya sa door. Tapos sabi niya, “I’m kidding, baby!” Nasad tuloy ako kasi akala ko talaga nandyan siya pero hindi naman ako nainis sa kanya. Then he said, “Ay! Sorry, baby! Go open the door na.” Then I said, “Ay naku! Ayoko na! Niloloko mo lang ako. Kung nanidto ka talaga, madidinig ko sa gate. Eh wala naman e.” Then he opened the gate which I both heard on the phone saka sa may window ko. And I was so happy that I ran ulit sa door, opened it, saw my sweetie and gave him a really tight hug and kissed him. Na-overwhelm nga yata siya sa akin e. Hehehe.

When we were sitting na on the couch na he said, “I was in a hurry that I wasn’t able to get you a rose na.” And I said, “It’s ok.” And he said, “No, that’s not ok. I really wanted to get you a rose.” Ay… sweet! Sweet! Sweet! Perfect iyong timing ng lahat. Akala mo pinlano pero I guess galing lang talaga niya mag surprise and I thought wala na akong makikilala na makaka surprise sa akin.

Iyon lang muna. Kinikilig pa rin kasi ako. I know medyo nagmumukha na akong tanga kasi ngiti ako ng ngiti but can you blame me? And yeah, I wrote this whole thing in Taglish para ma feel niyo iyong nararamdaman ko. Hehehe.

Tuesday's Best

2004-06-02T20:38:00.000-07:00

First things first… I was not able to take the written driving test yesterday. Arvin had to run some errands, what we call “family obligations” so he was not able to make it here early enough, as intended. Although knowing him he could have tried to make it here if I tell him to, but I just came to a decision to tell him to take his time and not worry about going to DMV anymore. I did not want him to be in a hurry and get all beleaguered. We could just do it some other time.

My Mom made a big deal about it so it rather pissed me off. It is not like I am not taking the test ever… just not yet. Also, this was just the first time that Arvin failed to show up on time and like I said, there was a valid reason. My mom acting up… again! plus PMS, could you just imagine how moody I was?! Hehehe.

So, Arvin who was completely clueless arrived at around 3:00 pm. Actually, I abhor waiting so much that for a moment; I did not feel like going out anymore. But he was here and he did tell me the night before that he really wants to spend a lot of time with me… I just hoped that Arvin, like always, would be able to cheer me up and brighten the remaining hours of the day.

So, we drove away, with no specific plans as to where to go or what to do. My mind was floating that Arvin had to ask me if I was all right. I guess, I cannot hide anything from him but he knew that I just needed some moment of silence to sort things out. He gave me a kiss on the forehead and a smile. I smiled back and thanked God for giving me someone who knew what to do and what to say when I get arduous and erratic.

Before we got to Laguna Beach, I was already laughing and cracking jokes. Arvin of course had a white rose to woo me. Hahaha. I guess our rendezvous are never complete without him giving me one. I wonder why… Anyway, he parked his car and we walked to a lane that had a beautiful panorama of the water. We took turns in carrying Patrick so that Patrick could catch a glimpse of what was so picturesque; Arvin demanded that we take pictures after we eat. True! The view was perfect but what caught my interest was the way Arvin and Patrick intermingled. Arvin showed his genuine fondness for Patrick while Patrick in return displayed his reliance on this kind individual who has nothing but the purest intention of showing the wonders outside the four corners of our house.

We passed by a really fine restaurant that Arvin and I would joke about. “Dyan tayo kakain pag may pera na tayo.” It had a good view of the shoreline with a set up that was cozy yet romantic at the same time. All the while, I thought we were just walking towards the car only to realize that Arvin was leading me to the restaurant already. I knew that our dinner would be pretty costly for an average day… nothing really to celebrate. But before I could say anything, I was already stunned by the flawlessness of the whole setting. But it must be mentioned that the food was scrumptious. Aww… again, I asked myself, how could one person make all my fantasies come true?

It gets better… we went to the beach and waited for the sunset. Arvin ran to the car to get his camera. He took pictures of Patrick and me playing with the sand and feeling the water on our feet. We also sat on a big rock. Actually it was just Arvin sitting on the rock because Patrick and I were sitting on Arvin’s lap. Hehehe. There goes the sun… before our very eyes, the color of the horizon changed from a fusion of pink and orange to an array of the different shades of blue. While watching the waves and listening to the crashing of the water, a spectacle of dolphins delighted our already unforgettable afternoon at the beach.

We went home, this time with the moon that seem to have been conspired to make things even more amorous…

How could you blame people to think that we are two people in love? With these stories, it is like living the dream of a hopeless romantic. Well, I am pretty much sure that by now, you know how I feel for him. And I also know that it is so tempting to assume that he feels something for me too. But I choose not to read between the lines too much. It would hurt me a lot if in the end, all these would turn out to be nothing but a make believe.

on tuesday

2004-05-30T23:04:00.000-07:00

can't wait til tuesday. arvin will take a day off from work. that means more time together. we don't have to be home after lunch when we go out. but i would have to take my written exam for driving. i really have to na. it's long over due. hahaha. and i would wear the blouse arvin got me for luck. hehehe. hope it works! after that, i don't know na what we'll do but i'm sure i'm gonna have a great time with my sweetie... as always!!! i'll make kwento! promise. and pictures to follow!

Arvin Updates

2004-05-30T21:37:00.000-07:00

Arvin is back from New York. Actually. Last Sunday pa. We were supposed to meet at the airport since my brother left for the Philippines around the same time Arvin’s plane for New York landed. Unfortunately, it took him awhile to get out from the terminal. I just called him as soon as I got home.

Of course, I was really happy to know that he’s back. The whole time that he was in New York, I tried not to make him kulit and drama so that he’ll be able to enjoy his vacation but then on the last day of his stay there, ayan na… I couldn’t stand it anymore that I got paranoid already thinking that he had too much fun there and he wouldn’t want to be with me anymore. Hehehe. Psycho!!! But I so missed him a lot that for a moment, I felt so stupid for allowing him to leave. I could have at least insisted that he got on the earlier flight back to L.A.

Well, he did assure me naman that he missed me a lot as well. He never failed to mention wanting and wishing that I was there with him.

When we were talking, he said it right away that he’ll come see me tomorrow. He just wishes that his mom wouldn’t ask him to do anything cause “he misses his baby so much.” When he said that, I got so kilig na. Babaw no?! But the way kasi he said it… Ay! Sweet, sweet, sweet…

So, I woke up the following morning really excited… to see him of course, to be with him (1 week din yon! 1 whole week of not seeing each other), and to hear his stories. I wasn’t expecting any surprises anymore. For me, it was enough that we’ll be able to spend sometime together. But, by now, I’m sure that you know na Arvin. And… He always has his ways of surprising me. Ay…

Ok, he started by saying that he wasn’t able to get anyone anything from New York because whatever’s there could be bought in L.A. too. Make sense! Plus, he doesn’t have that much to spend anymore. $300 na for his airfare palang. Lastly, he didn’t have the time to shop since he was pretty much out the whole time. Yeah, I so know what he means. He’s in New York to forget L.A. for awhile tapos he’ll think of people in L.A. pa rin?! Hehehe.

We went to a Thai restaurant along Pacific Coast Highway. At the parking lot, he made me stay on my seat and play with Patrick. He then went to my side and gave me this paper bag… He made me open it and it was a mug from Serendipity. Ay!!! It’s like he made me want to feel that I was there too. Then I thought that was it na. He went to the back of his car again and got something. It was another paper bag. At first, he took out the letter and skirt my friend Dice sent me then he made look through the gift tissue that was keeping this really beautiful blouse he got for me. I hugged him when I saw it. Hello?! Ilang lang bang guys ang willing na pumunta sa store ng damit ng mga babae to get something? And he saw this blouse by the window and said, he has to get it for me! He really has to! And of course, he knew my size! Galing manghula ah… Here pa, I saw a blouse just like the one he got me the day before and I told myself na I want one then before my very eyes, is a blouse from my Sweetie. You think that was the last of it? Come on, you know Arvin better than that. Hehehe. He had a rose for me. Oh yeah, he had a stuffed animal for Patrick.

So during lunch, we looked like a family. Hehehe. Instead of getting a table for two, it was a table for two adults and a baby. While I was holding Patrick, Arvin would cut my food into smaller pieces so that it would be easier for me eat it. Sometimes, susubuan pa ako.

There was a moment then that you’ll hear the three of us laughing at the corner of the restaurant. Arvin would carry Patrick then I would tickle Patrick. And Patrick would giggle so loud that it was contagious. Hahaha. I now wish someone was taking a video of us cause these are the moments I know I’d want to cherish forever.

After the lunch we went to Huntington Beach. Patrick was sleeping the whole time while Arvin and I was just sitting on the car, watching people pass by, just enjoying each other’s company and having some quality time together… no worries, no pressure just relaxing and taking things as they come. We don’t get to do that often, right? And being with him, it couldn’t get any better than that.

My 100th Post

2004-05-30T21:30:00.000-07:00

It’s so amazing how much I’ve shared in this blog. I know I haven’t been posting as much as I used to and I really feel guilty for abandoning it for awhile but I’m back. I’m not promising anything though. I just like everyone know that I’m still here. Thanks to those who still visits my blog and even leaves messages inspite of my absence.

thoughts running around

2004-05-22T23:06:00.000-07:00

For the past month and a half, surprises came falling from the sky like raindrops… a portion of good ones and a dose of not really bad but rather unsolicited circumstances. These events took place like lightning that for a number of them, it was hard to recognize its reality. It’s not that I’m denying their existence but some are just plain overwhelming. I never thought that several enormous undertakings could happen to a person in such a short period of time.

I now take a deep breath… with the intention of slowing things down, for a change. I hope I haven’t overlooked on certain details, especially the really important ones. I usually get carried away that I fail to ponder on the consequences of my words, actions, including my decisions. Nevertheless, I still take full responsibility if the situation calls for it.

It’s funny how I ‘m often perceived as someone who thinks too much. Well, maybe I do but just not the things that I should be deeming on.

Now, I find myself in a state of confusion whether I should or shouldn’t be concerned about how my life has been. They say don’t dwell too much on the past but isn’t the past what makes who you are now and would probably have a big effect on your future as well? I wouldn’t say that my past was that terrible. I had my ups, my highs, my good days, my happy days and of course those moments that feel so great I could hardly find the words to explain or even describe it. But I also have to admit that I’ve committed some lapses as well and some of which are so life changing.

I wonder, how exactly do I move on? How do I let go of the past? I do like what’s going on with my life now but the past haunts me in a rather odd way. When I’m happy, I’m scared that it won’t last like the other good things I had before. When I’m down, I feel like a fool for putting myself in that kind of situation again and again. Yes, life is a cycle but does it mean that the now is a mere repetition of the before? I hope not.

So, what is this whole post all about? I seriously am not sure. These are just some random thoughts that I had to write down for now. I couldn’t just tell these to someone; especially Arvin for it might lead to more perplexity. I guess this is just one of those nights when my thoughts are running around like crazy. But like the song playing on this blog right now is saying, it is such a wonderful world. And I think I had to meet Arvin to grasp that.

Happy weekend!!!

arvin in new york

2004-05-20T21:26:00.000-07:00

arvin calls me every now and then. i think he calls me when he sees something or goes to a place that he knows i'd like.

he went to serendipity (the restaurant in the movie "serendipity"). i'm surprised that he still remembers... i was watching that movie when we were just "starting" and i told him i so love that movie. he also called me when he saw a fountain and again asked me to make a wish. and lastly he called to tell me that he ate at this really nice place in new jersey which was on the middle of the water with a good view of new york. ayyy... i'm starting to really miss him. i wish we could go there together but i would have to save up for that. we have to wait til next year. hehehe.

make his wish come true

2004-05-19T22:54:00.000-07:00

i was at south coast plaza this afternoon. it just so happen that i was standing by the rails on the second floor and saw a water fountain at the lower level. i was talking to arvin who was and still is in new york. i then said, "make a wish, make a wish. i'll toss a coin for you." so he did, and i tossed the coin. funny thing is that it didn't go to the water. it landed on the tiles that surrounded the fountain. i had to run down stairs, get the coin, toss it again and "make his wish come true." whatever his wish was, i wish it comes true...

make a wish

2004-05-18T13:44:00.000-07:00

arvin called while he was sitting by a fountain. he then told me to make a wish then he will toss a coin for me. i then closed my eyes, wished really hard... i asked him, "you think it will be answered?", he said "i don't know."

what was my wish? this time, i'll just keep it to myself.

Under a clear sky and a million stars…

2004-05-18T13:22:00.000-07:00

I looked into his eyes that night… I wanted to make sure that what I feel for him is real and not just make-believe. I wouldn’t want to make a big fool of myself again. I don’t want to look back at this day sometime in the future and say, it was nothing more than infatuation. He didn’t have to say anything. He just had to hold my hand and that was enough to assure me that he is for real. I am not dreaming.

Yes, I am in love with him for many reasons but I am not making a list of these reasons. I just love him, everything about him. And everyday, I find more reasons why I do, making me fall for him even more. He may not be perfect but who is? We may not agree on certain things but that's fine with me. There is still so much I have to know about him but I am willing to see these little details as time goes by.

He made me see things the way I never thought I would for I was afraid to face the realities of life. Here he is telling me that things would be tough at times. Well, no one said that it would be easy, right? Then he assures me that after the rain, the sun will shine again. And that is enough reason to get up each morning. Life has a lot to offer. Experiences will be there to make you stronger and prepare you for what is to come. This then makes me embrace this life I have right now, never easy, challenging but strengthens me and helps me to be someone maybe Patrick could look up to someday.

He is not promising me anything for he does not know what lies in the future. He is just there… looking after Patrick and me while he can. He wants what is best for us. He wants us to be happy. He wants to make sure that even without him Patrick and I would be fine. Though he sounds as if he is leaving, his words gave me this comforting feeling that no matter what happens, he will always care for us. We will always be in his thoughts.

When asked if he is coming back from New York, he said “maybe”. That would have scared me, right? But I was in the right mind set that all I said was, “OK, at least when you said maybe there’s a 50-50 chance that you’ll be coming back. I just want you to know that someone will be waiting for you… If you come back then that would be great. If you don’t then I’d understand since you did say maybe.”

Arvin never told me he loved me. I have to admit that sometimes I wonder if he ever will. I did tell him this. That there are times when I ask myself, what’s so wrong with me, why can’t he love me back? What more does he want? What is he waiting for? But then I will come to my senses and realize… What more do I ask of him? Why can’t I just be happy with what he has to offer? He treats me well. He makes me feel good. He has done many things none of my ex-boyfriends or any who claims that they love me has ever done before. He has given so much already. He has given me everything… his whole self as well. And here I am still wanting more. Tsk tsk tsk. I then stop and thank God, that He gave me Arvin. Lucky me.

There are no guarantees… You will never know what is waiting for you. He said, "Things are set already." No matter what you do, you really could not change your “destiny”. The only thing you have control on is how you will accept what the world throws at you. See it as a blessing? A challenge? A burden? It all depends on you.

I’m so glad we didn’t watch a movie that night. I’m so glad that he stopped driving and parked his car under a tree. I’m so glad that we decided to do nothing but “spend quality time” with each other. Arvin is the type who is always doing something. He doesn’t want to waste a single minute but when he is with me, he just stops his world to listen to what I have to say, hear my thoughts, talk to me and ask how I’m doing. And for me, that is something.

THIS WEEK

2004-05-16T14:23:00.000-07:00

i've been really busy... obviously! because i haven't posted anything for a week.

last tuesday, arvin, patrick and i went to san pedro. actually i have nice pictures of patrick and arvin but i really don't have the time to post it... hehehe. tamad! anyway, they look so cute together. arvin insisted on carrying patrick the whole time. eh, patrick's getting really big na. he's 20 lbs and 27 & 1/2 in long. on our way home, we got a little lost. hehehe. arvin is not that familiar kasi with orange county. mas sanay sa l.a. eh ako naman, no sense of direction. hahaha. but it was nice to get lost with him. other than the fact that it gave us more time to be together, the scenery was perfect. parang it really was meant to be na mawala kami. we apssed by several beaches kasi. beautiful beaches that is. some cities pa that we passed by reminded us of hawaii. arvin loves kasi hawaii. ako na rin tuloy is starting to love hawaii. i don't think i've mentioned this pero last year, when we still didn't know each other, we were both in hawaii. i mean around the same time kaya we'll always wonder if we did see each other somewhere along the way but just didn't know it.

wednesday and thursday, i was in gilroy to visit my nephew, niece, sister in law and kuya. dapat pala sinabi ko, family nalang ng kuya ko. hahaha. my other kuya who is a doctor is here in california too. there was a moment na we were complete, almost complete pala as a family. my dad lang ang kulang but since they are no longer together, my parents i mean, at least, my mom was there with her 3 grandchildren, 3 children and her in-law. we actually have a picture. but again, tamad akong kunin sa taas para mapost dito. hahaha.

yesterday, i went to a wedding... i really love weddings. when i was younger i've always fantasized on how my wedding is gonna be. i used to want to have a big wedding with me looking like a princess with my prince charming of course. but after awhile, i'm starting to make my "ideal" wedding a lot simpler. i won't go into details nalang at baka maudlot pa. haha.

that's all for now. hope you had a great weekend!!!

my first mother's day

2004-05-10T16:15:00.000-07:00

i had a very lousy saturday... i know this would sound really silly but i never thought that not talking to arvin before sleeping will have a great impact on me. something was wrong with my phone so i never got his calls. i then fell asleep last friday waiting for his call.

when i woke up the following morning, i felt drained and tired. that's because i didn't get any decent sleep. when i talked to arvin, we were both cranky. apparently, he had a terrible sleep as well. i knew that this awful feeling would last the whole day... and it did!!!

i couldn't wait til the day's over. i wanted to sleep early so that when i wake up, it's a brand new day. i was hoping that things would be a lot better... tomorrow.

arvin then called me. it was 2am already. i have to admit that i was half asleep when we were talking. hehehe. he's used to it. but anyway, he was busy with something. he was arranging the flowers he got for his mom and sister. he was asking me a lot of things like how would it look more beautiful and how could it stay in place. the stuffs that he knows i know but like i said, i was too tired to give ideas. i just told him that i have ribbons and cellophane that he could probably use. i think i fell asleep though before he could finish doing his thing but i remember him asking me to wake him up at 8am.

few minutes before 8am, sunday, mother's day

i got a call from arvin. he then said, "baby, why didn't you wake me up?" and me... still half asleep, "huh? what? it's not even 8am yet." and he asked me if he could have some of the cellophane and ribbons i was talking about. he told me he was in a hurry since he has to get home and give the flowers to his mom and sister. i then told him to give me a few minutes to find them and at least brush my teeth. hehehe.

i went out carrying the ribbons and cellophane... with my pambahay on and hair that i haven't combed, i could just imagine how panget i looked. then i saw arvin, smiling at me. it was enough to make my day. i breathed in, closed my eyes for a while, breathed out and opened my eyes again just to make sure that i wasn't dreaming. nope, i wasn't. my great love was there standing by his car.

he then came to me and said, "sweetie, i was just kidding. this is for you." he gave me this really big bouquet of flowers that he personally bought, arranged and "delivered". it looked so beautiful... 2 dozens of red roses with those little purple flowers that i like and lots of baby's breath. and all i could do was hig him really tight. i was almost teary-eyed but then i know he doesn't want to see me crying and i didn't want to give the wrong impression that i didn't like it so i just kissed him and again hugged him not wanting to let go.

we then walked around the block with patrick on his stroller... we enjoyed the fresh air, the sun's rays and the beauty of the morning, my first mother's day morning.

i'm in big trouble

2004-05-06T17:05:00.000-07:00

well, i just got my phone bill this morning and it's ridiculous. my mom will kill me... i could just imagine how mad she's gonna be once she sees my statement of account.

anyway, i take full responsibility. although a part of me would want to try to talk my way out of this... i think i would want to act mature this time. indeed, arvin and i stayed on the phone too much. plus when he was in houston, the calls we made i think were considered long distance. i feel "guilty as charged" but it doesn't mean i did something wrong. gets? i just went over board. so i'm preparing myself for the worst.

i've come up with a plan on how i'm going to pay for my bill. i would want to feel the value of money... i'll never learn unless i'm reminded that i owe someone... my son for this instance. i'll pay a fraction of the bill using my money (my parents used my atm-peso account when they were in the philippines. therefore, they "owe" me) and the rest, borrowing from patrick's savings which i would pay religiously every month. how??? my dad who is in the philippines is giving me a monthly allowance (by using my Master Card) and i would use that to get my supplies to make earrings. it's one of those earn-at-home programs...

seriously, i'm not at all scared or worried even if i have all the reasons to be for i know that there's no easy way to get out of this but to accept the consequences of my actions, right? for me, this is such a great learning experience.one way to look at this is: if not for those calls causing my bill to be sky-high then there wouldn't be arvin. make sense. but i think, believe and know that arvin is definitely worth more than that... he's simply priceless.

maybe we've gone a little too crazy but i have no regrets. i wish you could meet him or at least someone like him who has such a pure heart... is very kind, never mean... selfless... considerate... patient and understanding... above all, rare.

fullerton college part 2

2004-05-05T16:39:00.000-07:00

like i said yesterday, i had to go back to fullerton college to take some tests... and thank God i went with with arvin. why??? continue reading!

i was having a bad morning for my mom started making sermon before i could even welcome the brand new day. i think she woke up at the wrong side of the bed... again! and i just hate that because i've always believed that you start the day right by being nice in the morning.

so when i got in the car i asked arvin, "hindi ka naman siguro cranky today, right?!?!" and arvin laughed asking "ok baby. where did that come from?" then i started ranting... and i apologized right away because it sounded like i'm ruining his day as well. just before the stoplight, he got something from the back of my seat... it was a rose. and he said, "good morning, baby!" and i couldn't say anything anymore.

after a couple of blocks, i started ranting again. hehehe. kakainis kasi talaga! he just listened and constantly assured me that things will be ok. then again at the next stoplight, he gave me another rose. that's two!

just before we got to the school, he told me that we'll just eat after i'm done so that i could take my time and concentrate on the exam... then he gave me one more rose. that's three!

then he walked me to the assessment center. kissed me for luck and said, "i'll just be here, k? i'll wait for you. just take your time."

after the test, we met at a restaurant and my mom started calling me... asking where i was and blah blah blah. i wouldn't want to elaborate anymore because it would ruin my kilig moment. hehehe. so, i had to eat my salad really fast and had the rest of my food wrapped so that i could just eat it when i get home.

then he told me that every year, he goes somewhere and have his time "alone." no family or friends. so i asked him where he wants to go this year. he wants to go to miami or puerto rico. and it sounded cool. i asked him how long he'll be staying there and he changed the topic by asking me to go with him. sweet! i mean he wants to spend his time "alone" with me. then i told him i couldn't since i can't leave patrick. and he told me that we could bring patrick along with us. and that is such a great thought, right? and i told him, "i'll think about it..." anyway, that's not until september or october.

lastly, arvin is trying to save money since he'll be leaving for new york in two weeks. he wanted us, patrick and i, to go with him but of course we couldn't. i then told him that i would pay for our lunch since he paid for our breakfast and lunch yesterday plus gas but he insisted that he couldn't let me pay for it... he doesn't want me to spend even a penny when we're together. come on, let's admit that now a days, it's rare to find such a gentleman who would definitely treat you like a princess when you're together.

on our way to the car, he brought this umbrella to make sure that i'm protected from the sun's rays. his explanation: the dermatologist said that it could be damaging to the skin. he said, "baby, i don't want your beautiful skin to get wrinkly..." so, even if he would look weird carrying an umbrella, he didn't mind. and i would just cling on his arm with my head on his shoulder. aww... things can't get any better than this.

ay... again and again, this guy just gives me more reasons to fall in love with him. what do you think?

plain supportive

2004-05-04T18:04:00.000-07:00

i had to take some assessment tests in fullerton college... of course, the ever reliable sweetie arvin went with me. he really wanted to make sure that before june, everything is set. so after this, we have to take care of my license naman. no pressure. he was very supportive and like i said, his faith in me made me feel as if i could do anything... but he also assured me that even if things don't turn out the way we want or expect it to be, he would still be there.

we strated the day with a breakfast at mcdonalds. we had to wait for a few minutes for the regular menu... [they were just serving breakfast when we got there] then he told me that we could stay at the car for awhile to look at some pictures. so while i was sitting in front reviewing some of the papers i had for school, he came to me with a bunch of newspaper and asked me to throw it qhen i get home. it turns out, they were beautiful flowers... and again, he swept me off my feet.

then before we went to school, he asked me several times if i'm ready to take the test. partly i was nervous but then i know i have to take it... now! we had a hard time finding a parking place so i insisted that he just drops me off so that i could find my way inside. he wanted to go with me but i told him, "sweetie, please... let me do this by myself. if i get used to having you around all the time then i'll never learn. this is the first time that i ever wanted to do thing by myself, not relying on anyone. this really means a lot to me..." arvin in return, smiled and just said, "ok, baby. good luck. just call me when you're done." and gave me a kiss for luck.

well, i was able to take a part of the test but i would have to go back tomorrow to finish it. i then called him right away and told him that i would have to go back again tomorrow but he doesn't have to drive me anymore. i could ask my stepdad instead. arvin insisted that he'll do it. he would still go with me tomorrow. yehey!!!

on our way to get something for lunch i asked him why he gives me flowers almost everytime we see each other and he said, "because when i think of you, baby, i miss you..." and that's it. he didn't have to say anything anymore. that was enough to make my day.

well, i need to start thinking of something that could somehow match the thoughtfulness he has been showing me. he did want me to cook my tuna spaghetti for him and i think i should next week... let me know if you have any ideas, k? let's make him kilig naman... palagi nalang ako e.

intuition

2004-05-03T21:11:00.000-07:00

i may have been a bit too paranoid but i still believe that i had every reason to be...

as planned and agreed upon, arvin, patrick and i were supposed go to mass together last sunday. it turned out though that my parents were going as well. i knew that the proper thing to do was go with my parents and just invite arvin to join us. i then told him about it and he said we'll meet at our house or at the church, depending on what time we'll be home from the fiesta. problem solved!

we got home earlier than expected. i called him and he sounded a bit different. he didn't mention anything about going here so i had a bad feeling about it. i thought, oh no! maybe he doesn’t want to see me anymore…

30 minutes before i left for church, i texted him, asked him if he was still coming with me and he said, "i thought you were going with your parents?" and that's it. i felt really bad, i wanted to cry. i know it was too early to conclude anything but I just had this intuition that something was going on. and i didn’t know what. it scared me…

on the way to church, dice called and i told her about how i felt and how confused i was with what's going on. i told dice, "please help me understand your cousin..." and dice, felt helpless for she was too far away and a bit too clueless on what exactly was going on.

i went inside the church feeling so disheartened, confused, frustrated and everything that i never thought i’d feel again. patrick was a bit restless… probably he felt what i was feeling. this gave me an excuse to go out for awhile. when patrick and i were outside, i saw an image on the glass window but i didn’t want to believe that it was arvin because it seems too movie-like. he… surprising me again. he… being there. he… proving that nothing has changed. i told myself, stop! stop living in a fantasy. wake up from this dream. i then made myself believe that the image i saw was nothing but an illusion for i was thinking of him… too much.

i went inside the church. prayed for strength because i knew, if all my hunches were right, i’ve just made a big fool of myself again. that’s something i don’t think i’ll be able to handle… not yet. i was just starting to put myself back together… move on… start anew…

i looked at my son and told him, i guess it’s just you and me again. he smiled. and i felt better… a lot better.

after communion, a guy, pretending he has been there the whole time caught my attention. it was arvin! sitting right next to me. with this smile that says, i’m here. why were you so worried? scared? sad? and all i could say was, “what are you doing here?”

after the mass, my parents invited him to join us for dinner. he stayed for awhile in our house. this was a good sign. at least somehow, my mom has accepted the fact that arvin is now part of my life…

surprisingly, my mom allowed me to go out to walk arvin to his car. but then, my mom would still peep through the window to see what we were doing. i found that so funny! and when i got inside the house, she pretended to be doing something. cute ng mommy ko no?! hehehe.

when he got home, we talked. i was able to tell him how i thought and felt. of course, me being such a drama queen, cried. and arvin would beg me to stop for there was no reason to do so. i told him how i noticed the little changes that took place in such a short span of time… the way he texts me, the way he talks to me, the way he was acting around me.

though he’ll never admit that for awhile, he did change… he assured me that i was not just being paranoid by saying he really didn’t feel like talking that much the whole day. there were no explanations for the sudden change in his behavior but it was enough for me. maybe it was just one of his days when he wanted to think things over and the timing was a bit off. i could never get mad at him because he never promised me anything.

bottom line: i just love him too much that i’m scared that someday i might lose him, he who was never mine.

movie-like sunday

2004-05-02T16:29:00.000-07:00

it was a sunday afternoon, i was thinking too much about a lot of things and i knew that i had to stop otherwise i'll go crazy again... for no reason. i sat under a tree by the playground. i was enjoying the wind as it gently touches my face. i was watching the kids playing. i love seeing and hearing their innocent smiles and laughters. then two little girls approached me, asking for my help since their cute little brother named george got stuck on the swing. i found this whole experience very movie-like. i have a cup of water in one hand and the other brushing my hair... i'm so glad i had my PDA with me to write all about this.

change, change, change

2004-05-02T16:24:00.000-07:00

it's so sad how something so beautiful could change in a few hours. you made yourself believe that you could handle changes for he taught you that if things are bound to change, it will change, no matter what you do. but then why is it so hard for you to accpet the fact that after what happened last night, things will never be the same again? it's a risk that you had to take for loving someone who obviously isn't ready to take a chance on you.

if you would only listen

2004-05-01T11:26:00.000-07:00

I understand that you will always be a mom trying to protect your daughter from getting hurt. But then why is it that now that I have found someone who genuinely cares for Patrick and me it seems to me that you are so against it. What is so wrong about it, mom? I don’t get it. It is not like I am a 13-year old anymore who finds excitement in having a secret boyfriend. I am 21 years old, mom. And yes, I have committed a mistake by getting myself pregnant but it does not mean I am that stupid to put myself in that kind of situation again.

For the record, and I know it would be so hard for you to believe, Arvin is not my boyfriend maybe not yet. But even if he is, I don’t think it will make any difference because I know as early as now, even if you haven’t given him a chance to prove to you his worth, you don’t like him already. Why??? We’re trying so hard, mom to do things right, the way you want it to be done but then we get nothing from you but a cold shoulder, an angry tone or a judgmental look. What does it take to please you, mom? I should not be surprised if Arvin dies trying because I, as you daughter could never figure out what would make you happy.

I try to tell you everything, every good and nice thing happening to me but even before I could, I can see it in your eyes how disinterested you are. I sometimes find it very selfish because it’s like I could never be happy. There should always be something wrong with what I have. Why is that?

I so envy other people who sees you as a cool mom because you are more than willing to listen to their kilig kwentos. While I, your own daughter couldn’t do that for the very reason that you are pushing me away. I so wanted to be near you, to be close to you but then it seems to be that what we have is nothing but superficial. Everybody thinks we have this perfect mother-daughter relationship but what they fail to see is that deep inside me, I’m longing for someone who would just love me and accept me as me.

It’s so funny how you complain so many times on how nanay treated you when you were younger but mom, you have become her, very her.

Anyway, thank you for all the love that you have for Patrick. I know you adore him. I could never thank you enough for everything you have done for him.

I hope someday you will take time to listen to me, really listen. You have to see through my words mom. This is not an attempt to attack or hurt you. But then I guess, for you, that’s all I’m capable of doing. I never felt this little in my life. And you’re slowly killing my spirit. I’ll work really hard now so that Patrick and I could move out before I completely lose my mind, my strength and the remaining respect I have for myself.

breakfast is served

2004-04-28T10:24:00.000-07:00

i haven't been getting along with my mom lately. i wanted to believe that it got nothing to do with arvin. mom and i have fought several times especially when it comes to patrick. my sentiments: i feel as if she doesn't trust me enough, like i can't handle taking care of my son. her side: i have to set my priorities straight. it's a matter of misunderstanding which i guess happens a lot to any mother-and- daughter. though i was in pain from my mom's criticisms, i knew she cares... too much that she's showing it in a rather odd way.

have i changed since arvin came?
this is something that kept on ringing on my mind when my mom left my room after a terrible arguement. she made me feel that she was so right in a lot of things but then that would make me wrong. and i am always wrong. it's so hard. it's so awful to feel that way especially now that i know someone's gonna look up to me... my son.

i just wanna be happy. is that too much to ask?
arvin was right in saying that nothing is perfect. somewhere along the way, you have to compromise. now that i'm happy... with arvin, i have to trade off something? it's not like patrick is no longer my top priority... he has always been and will always be and i think that's something my mom failed to see.

my angel: sent by God
i had nowhere to run but to arvin. and a part of me was scared because he might feel like leaving after telling him my mom's concerns. but then i had no choice. i had to talk to someone.

my messages:
my mom talked to me. and there was no way to defend myself. so maybe it was all my fault. but sweetie, i dont know what to do. i want so badly to please her but it seems impossible. as much as i wanna learn, she criticizes me before i could do anything. it's so hard to be in this kind of situation. i'm happy i've found you but you're right. things can never be perfect. i have to trade off something. anyway, i'm sorry. i wouldn't want to ruin your morning.

[i thought for awhile then sent this] don't ever think that this whole thing with my mom is because of you. it's all about me. and as much as i wanna fly like a butterfly (hahaha) it would never happen unless i break free. but if not for you, i wouldn't have known that i had wings [to fly] if it's not to much to ask, please don't ever leave me. you don't have to love me back. you can just be a friend. i need you and i know that is so selfish. but i just think that if you're around, i can do things i never thought i could.

then he called. and i was crying... but then i'm so glad he did because he was able to figure things out for me. he made me understand my mom and decided we would play along, just as how she wants things to be. at least for now, since i have no control over things. he is willing to help me in proving to myself... and my mom.... that i'll learn. i can be a good mom. i can balance things. i can be happy. and arvin assured me that he'll be there every step of the way. then i asked him, "are you my angel? did God send you to watch over me?" then he said, "no sweetie. i don't see my wings. hahaha."

so things got a lot better. we were supposed to go to the bank today to open an account then have lunch. but we thought that if we did, my mom will get more angry and that will make things worse. and out of nowhere i said, "sweetie! i'm hungry! i'm so hungry!" i'm not really a breakfast person and since this is rather unusual, arvin asked if i want something specific so that he could bring it to me. but i seriously didn't know what i want. i was just plain hungry. then he said, "ok, i'll just get you something and bring it there then leave." and again, he was able to melt my heart without even trying.

something sweet and practical that he did
since my line is verizon, he switched to verizon last night. that would mean unlimited mobile to mobile minutes. so we could talk whenever and it's gonna be free. we don't have to worry now about exceeding our minutes.

our first month
it was last march 28, when arvin first texted and called me. so technically, we've known each other for a month. then i remembered, i asked him then if he was arvin, dice's cousin but he never answered. he then said last night, "oh yeah, baby. i'm arvin..."

many nina-arvin plus patrick kwentos

2004-04-26T17:47:00.000-07:00

well, well, well... i really had to think of something to make up for my immaturity last night. i had to call dice to help me with this. we talked a bit, wondering if indeed my dear arvin was angry. it's not like he will admit that he is, but still...

so while talking to dice, arvin called. i greeted him with the sweetest good morning. i tried to "sense" his mood. good thing, he didn't sound like "panget-ang-gising-ko" but i knew that somehow he was still pissed on how i acted last night. so, i said sorry... admitted my fault.... explained a bit... promised to make up for it. he told me it was nothing. like, yeah right! so i made more lambing then he gave in eventually, telling me that he just doesn't want me making simangot at him. a.k.a. "magsungit-out-of-nowhere." hehehe. and i said, "yeah, sweetie. i know. that's why i'm sorry." and i noticed right away the change in his voice. i asked him, "bati na tayo?" and he said... "baby... we never fought naman e." but you know that feeling that you get, the best feeling in the world... when you know that you've worked things out and you would be sweeter than ever.

so, i didn't make him kulit the whole morning and afternoon. i kept myself busy and just waited til it's almost 4pm... he told me he'll be here around that time, but knowing him, he's always fashionably late. i’m sure he will take him a little longer. hahaha. to my surprise, he called telling me that he's in front of our house already. i didn't believe him at first but i heard his voice from outside since my window is open. i got all excited, carried patrick and met him by the door. and can i just say this, he looks so good!!! here’s a little extra: he had roses for me, which he tried to hide from his back... aww... sweet... sweet.. sweet… so i just hugged him. he kissed patrick first then me. ay! did that just sound like we’re a happy family? hehehe. but this is just the beginning...

so we went inside, stayed at the family room and watched t.v. my friend, kathy called. arvin then took patrick from me so that i could talk to kathy. he knew that it wouldn't be easy to be all excited to be talking to my friend i haven't talked for years and carry my baby at the same time. he didn't mind playing with my son, carried him, an 18 lbs & 4 oz four month baby boy. well, it kinda took me awhile on the phone so i just hugged arvin from the back while i was still talking to kathy.

when i was done, we went back to the couch. i just laid my head on his chest while i was holding patrick as he sleeps... it's like the most comfortable position i've been the whole day. i had patrick and arvin near me. what more can i ask for? he would kiss my hand, my forehead and my hair. and i, would just smile and thank God for being so kind to me. He has blessed me so much and i don’t know what i did to deserve it.

so just before 5 pm, i had to prepare for church. arvin held patrick for he was still very much asleep. when patrick woke up, we dressed him up and gave his medicine. arvin watched patrick with so much care. and i was moved by the “bonding” they have. it’s like they have this little secret on how to make mommy smile and drive her crazy.

when everything was set, we went to arvin’s car, fixed patrick’s carseat and made sure that everything’s good. arvin double checked everything. it’s so cute, how arvin would talk to patrick while he’s driving. and since we got to the church a little too early, we stayed outside for a bit and we would just play with patrick, try to make him smile and laugh at how he makes this bubble sounds that arvin claims i thought patrick. hehehe.

by the way, patrick was drooling a lot since he's teething but arvin didn’t really mind if his polo got wet. for him, it was just a natural thing.

we then heard mass. i would have to say that going to mass is always the perfect date. he carried patrick the whole time even if i insisted several times that i could hold patrick since i’m pretty much used to it. but he just wanted to have patrick. what can i do? hahaha. everytime patrick makes sounds, he would talk to him. they would go out when patrick gets a little too loud. and i would just be left there inside checking on them every now and then.

i wasn’t quite sure if arvin really liked what he was doing but i know he was really working hard to assure me that patrick would never be a hindrance for us to have a great time. he would always include him in every plan that we have. it was never just me and him. it was always, me, him and Patrick. he kinda wished that patrick would go with us for dinner but my mom insisted that we just leave patrick with them.

so, for dinner… we went to benihana, his favorite restaurant. he was very apologeic for he wanted to be romantic but due to time constraint, we couldn’t really go that far. he would ask me repeatedly if there’s anywhere i would want to go and i would just say, “anywhere… just as long as i’m with you!”

on our way home, we talked about anything and everything. he asked me, “baby, what would we be doing if we haven’t met?” well, i knew what to say… i’ll be busy with patrick. then i asked him, “how was life before me?” he then said, “baby, i couldn’t remember anymore….” the way he said it and what he truly meant were simply sweet…

we didn’t want to end the night. we were having such a great time. then we made a deal to see each other every weekend, with patrick of course. and it’s something to look forward to, the highlight of the week.

oh yeah, he would be leaving for new york in three weeks. i wanted to go with him so that I could see dice as well but my brother from the Philippines will be here. this, again will drive me crazy, make me miss him so much and of course… our phone bills will rise, rise, rise until we end up broke. hahaha. but it’s now a must that we see each other before he leaves and he will come see me as soon as he arrives from the airport. hmm… i better plan something for him while he’s there. if you have any ideas, let me know.

we then went to the grocery to grab something… patrick’s laundry soap and lotion and my facial wash. if i went there by myself, i’m sure i’ll buy other things that i don’t really need but arvin thought me to practical. hehehe. when i was about to pay for it, he went ahead of me and paid for it. and i said, “sweetie, i was willing to pay for it. why did you do that?” and he said, “just do that when i’m not around. anyway, i wanted to get patrick something. here, i got him these.”

his thoughtfulness when it comes to patrick is one of the many reasons why i can’t help falling in love with him… he adores my son. and sometimes, i just find myself smiling, almost crying to see that this someone has so much love to give patrick.

oh wait! did i mention, there’s this watch i wanted from kenneth cole that was $85 and he said, “baby, that’s too expensive.” and i would laugh because his shoes is from kenneth cole, too which i’m sure cost a couple of hundreds but he would explain that he won that money from las vegas. but he told me to get patrick an oakley sunglasses so that patrick would look gwapo. and i’m like, no fair! and we would just laugh again. i know it’s crazy and mababaw… but he just thought that patrick deserved a lot of nice things. especially pangpagwapo things that would attract girls. hahaha.

i hate goodbyes. i mean, who doesn’t? so we just had to kiss before i go inside the house. i know i’ll miss him even more but then it’s ok. for next week, i will get to be with him again.

before he got home, i called him just to thank him for the wonderful evening.

just before we called it a night, we talked on the phone as always… he told me that he read the card i got him again and said, “i hope we don’t get sawa with each other…” and i said, “there’s no reason to be, sweetie. because every moment we spend together is something new. it’s never the same. and i wouldn’t mind being with you again and again…” and then he said, “you looked so beautiful tonight.” and i remembered what he told me… you have to feel good to look good. that must mean then that i would alwys look good when i’m with him.

he sounded really tired but then he didn’t want to put down the phone. we both had to wake up early. i will be bringing patrick to the doctor’s office and he… he will try to fulfill one of his dreams. that is, to be martial arts instructor. arvin is a man who has so many dreams. a man who wants to do a lot of things. a man who wouldn’t want waste any time. a man who wants to make the most out of life. and that’s part of his beauty as a person. i admire him for that. then he said, “baby, i want patrick to be my first student, k?"

so we just kept talking… then i noticed, my arvin became quiet. i just smiled because i knew why. and i just said, “good night sweetie. sweet dreams…” he has fallen asleep.

he called me first thing in the morning. he just wanted to make up for falling asleep while we were still talking but for me, it really wasn’t a big deal. he then said, “ok baby, go back to sleep. i’ll just stay here on the phone and listen to you and patrick while you sleep. then i’ll wake you up later…” of course i fell asleep again and it was good because i knew he was just there…

just before i left for the doctor’s office, he called and told me about his “crazy idea”. he didn’t want to tell me about it at first but i insisted that he did. it turns out that he wants us to open a joint bank account. we could start saving money so that we’ll have something to spend when we go places. it’s not at all crazy! not a bit! he has the purest intention and that is to have something that we could call “ours”.

last kwento, patrick and i were cuddling and it made me wish that he was with us. he then said he misses us too and he couldn’t wait til sunday. patrick then started kissing my hand and I wondered, did arvin teach him that? we called him. arvin then talked to patrick. and patrick would smile upon hearing this familiar voice. and everytime arvin would say, “baby, are you playing with mommy?” patrick would look at me. and proud mommy told arvin, “sweetie, our little patrick was such a good buy. he didn’t cry much after he was given four shots.” and he said, “that’s great sweetie! i’m so proud of him… i will try to spend less so could get my little boy something…” and that’s it! i knew, i’ve really fallen for him and no one can tell me i'm wrong.

blame it on PMS

2004-04-25T03:45:00.000-07:00

at this very moment... arvin is on the other line. but we're not really talking. this is just our routine every night. we just leave our phones on until we both fall asleep. this is our idea of putting each other to sleep.

note: i so love it when we do this... it's like he's not that far away from me. i could almost feel him.

we had a little "fight" na super babaw and i have to admit it's my fault. well, i never thought i would say this but i blame PMS. hahaha. i did text him after we put down the phone earlier but he didn't reply. i fell asleep waiting... then at around 2:30 am, his call woke me up. we didn't talk much. i know he was still kinda pissed but as he claimed, he couldn't sleep yet... he just had to feel that i'm there, on the other line.

i know it's crazy to feel kilig when we're supposed to be in a middle of a fight but i have to admit that this person so drives me crazy. well, it doesn't even matter to me anymore if he feels anything for me. but i have to admit that sometimes i wish he does. again, bonus nalang yon.

12 hours from now, we'll be seeing each other. i'll make sure i'll be able to make bawi... i'll make the most out of our moments together...

tell me your sad stories

2004-04-21T14:56:00.000-07:00

arvin dropped by the house last night. he got patrick this cute shirt from houston. well, it's another excuse to see each other. of course, i was happy to see him. but as much as we wanted to spend some quality time together, we couldn't because my very protective mom was watching. hehehe. (may baby na ako, ganyan pa rin ang mama ko. katuwa no?)

when he got home, we talked as usual. but i noticed his silence. it was deafening. i asked him several times why and he just said, he's thinking of something. then out of nowhere, he asked me: "why don't you try to work things out with your ex-boyfriend?" i'm like "where did that come from? if your trying to push me away then just tell me." i felt like crying because i didn't know what was g oing on. i became quiet... too quiet... then he asked me, "is there anything you wanna ask me?" and i thought, this is my chance... "what am i to you?" he said... "someone really special to me." i have to admit that's not what i wanted to hear but it should be good enough right? but i don't know... i just felt something....

he in return asked me, "what am i to you?" i knew what he was to me. i knew i was falling for him. but i didn't want to tell him because i was scared that if i do, things will change. but he insisted, if things our bound to change, it will change no matter what you do. he even asked me if i would feel better waking up tomorrow knowing that nothing has changed because i didn't tell him how i feel. but no... nothing convinced me in giving in. i'm too coward to tell him the truth.

he called again after our conversation was accidentally cut off. he then asked me if i wanted to talk about his past. well, i didn't know if i wanted to know about it but i decided, ok... i will listen.

he told me about his sad stories... and it made me cry so hard. how could people take him for granted? he had so much love to give yet it wasn't enough. he tried to do everything just to show her he loved her well but he still ended up with nothing but a broke heart. she made him believe that she loved him back only to realize that it was all a lie. while i was listening, i felt like dying. i could feel his pain. i feel so guilty for "pushing" him into telling me about it. i didn't know.

he just wanted me to know the things i needed to know. he even told me how hard it is for him to hold back his feelings for me... he just didn't want to give his all again and end up making a big fool of himself. he had to learn how to love himself again for he had given his whole heart before and never left even a small part of it for himself. it was as good as saying... "i could not love you back." but i understood... i feel for him. and i'm left with nothing to say but this...

"arvin, i'll wait til you're ready to love me back."

no smoking please

2004-04-20T13:33:00.000-07:00

it's not like arvin smokes a lot. he did ask me if it's ok with me that he smokes and i didn't really mind. i just reminded me of the bad effects of smoking to his health. i just asked him a little favor, not to smoke when we're together. so the whole time that we were togther, he didn't. i even offered buying him cigarette but he insisted that he doesn't have the urge...

then he texted me this yesterday while i was on my way home: "sweetie help me! i wanna stop smoking but its so hard. and the only time i don't feel like smoking is when i'm with you..." and it made me smile. we talked about it and told him i'll be there to support him until he gets over it... and even after.

i asked him, "why is it that you don't feel like smoking when i'm around?" he said: "because you are my drug. and you're so addicting. actually, i think i'm addicted to you already. i'm hooked."

and i just laughed... a laugh that is priceless...

the first time i saw you

2004-04-20T13:13:00.000-07:00

we met at the lobby just before dinner.

i was super nervous and scared. i had to call and text dice several times. i didn't know how he would react upon seeing me. i was afraid that he might change and then we'll lose everything we had... good conversations, sweet smiles. and my mom, in such a funny way, is adding more pressure on me. she kept on asking, where is he? where is he? that drove me crazy.

and there he was... he glanced at me once then turned to my mom and stepdad. and i'm like... oh no!!! he doesn't like me... but then of course, he had no choice. he travelled this far to see me. he had to make the most out of it. well, at least that's what i thought.

when we were on our way to the car... the magic began. it was so windy... it was freezing out there... and he couldn't help but hug me and keep me warm while we cross the road. we went to his hotel room to get me a thicker jacket. and i couldn't help it either. i just hugged him and said, "i'm so glad you're here. thank you!" and we looked at the mirror with this big smiles on our faces... a pictures that could say a thousand words. it's like we were meant to be.

so, we had dinner. got a little lost while looking for a good restaurant. laughed, smiled, held hands... and i know it sounds crazy... but we kissed. it felt good. you know that sweet sensation... the feeling that the world just stopped spinning for that moment and the stars were all smiling at us. it was perfect.

so we went back to the hotel. with a bag of oranges for my mom. more like a bribe so that she won't get mad becasuse it took us a little longer than we had planned.

i then changed into my shirt and pajamas, looking very much like a mommy. with my hair all over my face. i was cleaning patrick's bottle when i hear arvin singing patrick to sleep. then he would bring patrick to where i was and he would look at me with this smile that almost sounded like you're so beautiful. i tried to put patrick to sleep... he would give me a massage... kiss my forehead or hand. simple things that made me wish that this moment would last forever.

can you blame me?

never too far away

2004-04-20T12:30:00.000-07:00

i've never thought that something like this would ever happen to me. i've always imagine it in movies... where the kilig meter goes way, way up there. but i guess, once in your lifetime, you'll find someone who would make if not all, some of your dreams come true.

it was so hard to leave for reno... arvin just got back from houston and we were really looking forward to seeing each other. but then the trip has been planned months ago. i really had to leave. if only reno was just a couple of hours away then, it would have been better. but reno is like 8-10 hour drive from l.a.

we didn't sleep the night before i left. we just stayed on the phone, not really talking but just trying to feel that one was not that far away. and before we knew it, the sun's up.

i would call him everytime we stop in a gas statio or rest area. i would text him everytime i "miss" him even though we still haven't met. do you know that feeling that you've been looking for someone all your lfe and now that you've found each other you're becoming really impatient to see each other. hehehe. that's just how we felt.

he was everywhere... i saw a place that's called arvin. how funny could that be? but then i knew, i, we would have to wait til next week to see each other...

i sent him this message: "another three hours just passed, another day almost over, another moment i wish was spent with you, another reason to miss you..." cheesy right? but i meant it when i said it. he replied: "if you don't stop making me miss you so much, i'm gonna quit working today and drive really fast and follow you to reno." i smiled. i did wish he meant it. but of course, i didn't keep my hopes up. why should i? it would only break my heart.

while in the middle of our lambingan and kulitan while texting he just said: "will you just kiss me before i go crazy and go there" and i justy said: "go! go crazy! so that you'll come see me here..." he said: "i wish baby. but if you really want, i will. you want me too?" and i wanted to scream: "yes! yes! yes!" i really wanted to see him. and he made me shut up by texting: "baby, if you want me there, i will be there. i will leave after work." then i told myself, yeah right! i didn't reply. i pretended i didn't get that message.

i texted him before i slept like i always do. then he said, "baby, could you do me a favor? can you check if there's still rooms for tomorrow in your hotel?" that was kinda enough to make me think that maybe, just maybe, he meant what he said.

the following morning, i called dice and told her this whole crazy idea. dice told me he was capable of doing it but still, it made us wonder, would he really travel that far to see me? i told myself, if he does, then that's just wonderful. if he doesn't it's ok. at least he had the intention right?

i got a message from arvin, telling me that he's still in l.a. and though i tried to prepare for the worst, i still felt sad. he even called asking me if i was angry and i said: "no. why should i? did you do something?" but deep inside me, i said... that's it! no more fairytales.

he called again, asking what my plans are for the day. i didn't have any. i didn't feel like going out. there was nowhere to go, nothing to do and the weather is just too cold. then he said, "baby, can i join you for lunch? i'm here at the lobby." of course, i wanted to believe him. but i've learned my lesson well. and that is: some things are too good to be true. and he said, "baby, i really am here. i'm staying at the other hotel. i'll see at dinner, if that's ok. i just have to get some sleep."

wow! he did leave after work. he didn't waste any time going there. he kept his word. he was for real...

arvin cueto

2004-04-12T19:03:00.000-07:00

it's not everyday that you get to meet someone who has the ability to make sense out of you. i could never thank dice enough for introducing her cousin to me. in the span of two weeks, this person has done a lot of things in my life. bonus nalang na may mga kilig moments ako with him.

it all started when i got the worst reaction from my mom about the flowers i had delivered for her. i may seem as if i snapped out of nowhere but then i think i just kept too much inside of me. as always, he came to rescue me...

he knew what to say and how to say it. i'm usually the type na ayaw na napagsasabihan. the more i don't listen if i feel as if sinesermonan ako. but arvin... i just kept quiet, listened, and realized that he's so right!!!

he told me that i shouldn't think too much about the past... nor the future... but rather, try to live the present to the fullest. if i'm having such a great time now, why worry that it won't last forever? why ruin the whole thing just because i fear so many things that doesn't necessarily exist?

he also gave me a little push when it comes to driving. my driving test is way, way overdue. so he said, next week he'll go with me to dmv to take the test and get my permit. then he'll teach me how to drive. take note: he'll look for an automatic since his car is stick shift. his explaination: i'm spending too much time at home, doing nothing so i tend to think too much. so true!!!

then he asked me... "baby, are you ready?" ready for what? "getting down to business..." i smiled and said yes!!! now that i have him around to remind me that i can do a lot of things...

the confidence and faith that he has on me is priceless. i haven't found anyone who could motivate and inspire me this much. i'm lucky to have met this great person... a great friend...

baby's scared and crying

2004-04-12T12:29:00.000-07:00

when you're starting to really like someone, you get really scared, right? scared that you won't be good enough, scared that maybe you're not doing things right, scared that you run out of things to say and then magsawa na siya sayo. these were my thoughts when arvin was on the plane...

i was so happy when i found out that he's home already. but we weren't able to talk right away since he got to do his thing and i on the other hand, am giving patrick extra attention since he isn't feeling well. so, we just texted and somehow, i told him my fears then i started crying. such a drama queen, no?

so we did talk and he understood how i felt for he was feeling the same thing. both going through a lot of pain from past relationships, can you blame us for being paranoid? for trying to use defense mechanisms so that we won't get hurt again? it was already, three in the morning and he wanted to go see me just to make me stop from crying, just to make sure that i'm ok, just to assure me that i shouldn't be afraid because everything is doing fine...

did i mention, he kinda cried too while explaining that he was scared too? when he starts caring for someone a lot he usually ends up losing that person. i guess... he didn't want to lose me.

so? you think we met? nope! not yet! i didn't want him to go since it was pretty late already. i don't want my mom to get a bad impression on him. knowing her, she always has criticisms on everyone. and i'm not spared from this. also, i wanted him to sleep early last night. well, it hasn't happened since we started talking. we end up talking til 3 or 4 am. hehehe.

when we found out that it was almost 5 in the morning already... we knew it's time to sleep. so this time, we left our phones on while we both tried to fall asleep. don't know if it was his or mine that ran out battery first but for me it was our first time to sleep "together."

he's coming home

2004-04-11T17:58:00.000-07:00

arvin is on his way home from houston. i'm so excited. though we're not naman seeing each other tonight and i'm not even sure if we'll be able to meet up this week. pero at least he's not far, far, far away na. he's just... far away. gets?

i'll be leaving for reno on thursday... stay there til monday, i think. he wanted to know how far it is from l.a. and i told him it's like an 8-12 hour drive. he wanted sana to follow me there but i said no na since he just got back from a trip.

but before he got into the plane, he found out that he just had one bar (battery) left. and he said that sucks. and i asked him why? welll, unless he got plans of calling someone else while he's on plane or something. and he just said, "what if i miss you, baby?" and i told him he can just wait til he gets here in california, right? and he said, "but baby, i can't wait that long" and i'm like, hello?! it took us like a lot of years before we could meet. in fact we haven't yet. and he said, "yeah... that's too long..." and i just smiled slash laughed. pero sweet no?

and again, we didn't want to put the phones down. he said, "baby, we're not gonna do that counting thing like a bunch of 13 years old, right?" and i just laughed again and decided to put down the phone. anyway, in a few hours... he'll be home na! yehey!

bits and pieces

2004-04-10T16:17:00.000-07:00

while talking last night, we were wondering, magkakakilala kaya kami if hindi kami inintroduce ni dice? he said... well, i'm in l.a. and you don't go out of the house [sobra! i don't go out talaga] so i guess, no. hahaha.

then he said, maybe we have met before, we just didn't know. maybe i was passing by knott's berry farm [which is walking distance from my place] and you were outside, standing or walking. or maybe we were in the freeway. i was in my car driving and you were at the back of your car with your parents [i don't drive kasi] we would never know...

when we had to put down the phone, no one wanted to. then he just said, i'll just wait til i ran out of battery. at least, it wasn't me. it was the fone...

HaPpY fOuR mOnThS, bAbY pAtRiCk

2004-04-09T21:52:00.000-07:00

my baby is four months old today. i'll post his pictures next time... but here's my song for him...

"I Don't Want To Miss A Thing"

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Well, every moment spent with you
Is a moment I treasure
I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream would never do
I'd still miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
Lying close to you
Feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together
And I just wanna stay with you
In this moment forever, forever and ever
I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream would never do
I'd still miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
I don't wanna miss one smile
I don't wanna miss one kiss
Well, I just wanna be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just wanna hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time
Don't wanna close my eyes
Don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream would never do
'Cause I'd still miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream would never do
I'd still miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
Don't wanna close my eyes
Don't wanna fall asleep, yeah
I don't wanna miss a thing
I don't wanna miss a thing

after the rain comes the rainbow

2004-04-09T20:53:00.000-07:00

ok... ok... ok... i know my previous posts sound so depressing and all. but here is my kwento to make bawi for that.

things weren't going my way yesteday so i was super frustrated! the flowers that i had ordered for my mom never arrived. good thing they offered a refund. my "friend" didn't text or call me the whole day. so, that made me feel worse.

like they say, it ain't over til it's over...

we were texting and as much as we tried to act as if things are still the same, we both know it isn't. and it was hard for me to accpet that. masochistic little me still replied and replied to his text messages hoping that somehow, i 'll be able to press the right button and make things go back to how it was before.

i don't know if it was the air, the stars or some arrow from a cupid that led him to start being malambing. we talked but i knew he was really tired therefore was sleepy already. like we did once, he wants me stay on the phone while he tries to sleep. at first, i would still hear him try listening to every sound i make but i insisted that he closes his eyes and try to fall asleep and i would stay on the phone til i'm sure that he was asleep. in the middle of this whole sweet but somehow bizarre way of being "together" he asked me if he can call me "baby" instead because "princess" was too long... and i just laughed. he was so cute when he said that. it made my heart jump in joy. maybe, things did change, only it's getting even better.

so i did stay on the phone and listened to every sound he and patrick were making. and i told myself, what more i could ask for? i have this two great people in my life. and after awhile, i played a lullabye til i've almost fallen asleep. and even though it was hard to do, i did put down the phone.

waking up the following morning, i texted him and told him that i imagined myself lying on his chest while sleeping and that gave me this reassuring feeling that he's not leaving me... us...

he made my day even brighter by waking me up with his call when i was taking a nap. i knew it was him calling for i intentionally assigned a specific ringtone for him. i was in the mood to make him lambing... i did wish that he was here beside me, making me want to just stay in bed... and i knew that very moment, seeing him eveytime i wake up is something i wanna do... for the rest of my life. and i texted,

"thank you for waking me up. i'm glad it was you. getting up can't get any sweeter than that."

he replied, "i wish i could be next to you everytime you wake up... i'm gonna jog before i go out [with friends]... and also para i don't look bad when you see me. i wanna look ok for my baby, ok? take care! mwah..."

and again, my walls come down and gave me hope that maybe, just maybe, i got lucky this time...

pahabol!!! he called just to make me listen to him sing... "i swear"

nothing has change

2004-04-09T01:48:00.000-07:00

how come people don't realize that the minute you say that "nothing has change", everything does...

no more kilig moments, no more calls, no more text messages to look forward to. just some kind, subtle way of pretending that "oh yeah, we're still friends". damn! i hate this feeling! it's killing me...

but nevertheless, i couldn't hate him. he hasn't done anything wrong to me. he still is that one person i've always wanted to meet, know, have and love. it just so happen that i was wrong in thinking that we were looking at the same direction.

back to being a nobody

2004-04-08T00:16:00.000-07:00

i was super excited to see my parents get home from the philippines... and what did i get? a cold hello, a criticism on how i take care of patrick, a raise of the eyebrow when i was texting arvin and no acknowledgement on how well i've handled things for the last two weeks. i'm back to being a nobody in this house... another mouth to feed, a liability. and it hurt so bad...

and the only thing that i was expecting to cheer me up was a great conversation with someone who is in houston. but he decided that he wouldn't "bother" me tonight since i'm all excited to see them. if he only knew how i felt, maybe he would decide to stay with me. and maybe because i'm really malas when it comes to love, i found out that all we ever could be is friends. he said we are better off as friends since he wouldn't want to hurt me in anyway. he said, "i'm afraid that if i get near you, i wouldn't want to leave." and i said, "then don't" he said, "yeah, you say that now, but maybe if i do, you couldn't wait to get rid of me." and i'm like what??? and he said, "i used to love falling. even if i get hurt so many times, i would still be out there. now i feel so scared... my heart feels numb sometimes," and that crushed my heart down to its very core. damn those girls who broke his heart!!! we ended the conversation with this message, "i'm not gonna lie to you. tears felll from my eyes tonight. but i will never break my promise to you. i will be the best friend you could [ever] have and nothing more. i will be here anytime for you, anytime you need me. i look forward to our great friendship and [laughters] to share." what he doesn't know is that he made me lose hope... that finally, i've found someone to love and who would love me and patrick back...

I Can't Make You Love Me
Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me

Chorus: cause i can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and i'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'cause i can't make you love me, if you don't

I'll close my eyes, then i won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and i'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And i will give up this fight
Chorus: cause i can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and i'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't

kilig plus plus

2004-04-07T00:11:00.000-07:00

do you know the feeling when you and that "special someone", thought, said or did the same thing??? kilig!!!

arvin and i said several words ng sabay, several times today... well, we have since yesterday pa i think. i just don't remember how often anymore. there was just too many kilig moments to keep track.

funny thing was that i checked my phone bill earlier and see how much minutes i've consumed but it turned out that i've gone over already and i'm being charged big time. hahaha. patay ako kay na mama. excuse: i was lonely, i needed someone to talk to to... it turns out that arvin checked his account too. since he's in houston, the calls he makes costs more than usual.

so, i apologized cause i always talk a lot which makes our conversation last three hours, minimum. namamatay na ang phone ko dahil nauubusan ng battery palagi. but he said it's his fault because he kept calling. i then just said, both our fault and laughed.

i told him that it would be fine with me if we don't talk first, at least til he's there in houston. and he insisted na di pwede. we could just lessen the hours and just text each other... that must mean he likes talking to me, right? yihee... kilig!!!

so these were some of his sweetest text messages...

hi princess! what's up? i'm all ready for bed but i have to talk to you first before i do... hi patrick! hi baby... smile at mommy for me...

patrick, baby, always make mommy smile if she's ever sad ok? then i'll get you toys if you do, deal?

do i need to say more???

day 14: princess' last night alone

2004-04-06T22:13:00.000-07:00

this would be my last day "alone". my parents will be back from the philippines tomorrow. yehey!!! i changed their bed sheet... got some roses and placed them on top of the bed with this small poster that says welcome back. i have more surprises in store for my mom. i'm having flowers delivered on thursday. and another one on monday for easter. can't hardly wait.

i just realized that for the first time someone is calling me something other than "baby". my arvin calls me "princess". hehehe. well, he started to call me that when i told him about my "daughter" isabelle. we were expecting a baby girl and my baby turned out to be a boy. my mom then said, it was meant to be. it wasn't time to pass on the throne. my mom said, i'm still her little princess, patrick being the prince.

arvin, sweet arvin... he called just to tell me he got patrick something from houston. isn't that extra, extra, extra sweet?

day 13: you got me thinking

2004-04-06T01:47:00.000-07:00

would it be okay if i talk about my feelings first?

while i was making the previous post, arvin called. i knew that he was leaving for houston but i didn't know that he was leaving today. we talked while he was driving his cousins home from somewhere. all i know is that they had a little drink. when he got home, he told me that he's packing his things. time flied so fast, as usual. and before i knew it, he was already at the airport, about to leave. he got me thinking... why am i staying up just to talk to him while he's packing his things? i could easily tell him that i'm sleepy already and just put down the phone so that he could do his thing. but i didn't. i didn't mind staying up with him, wait til he finishes packing and even after we have talked, i still wasn't able to sleep. i wanted to read his messages again and again and see if he's going to text me just before the plane takes off.

he was constantly telling me to sleep. he knew i was tired and sleepy. but then i was scared... i was too scared to sleep. it's like this has happened before. i met someone that i'm starting to like. and though i know he'll be coming back in a week, i'm drowning myself with questions. dreading his come back... what if things change while he's there? what if he loses interest and just stop talking to me? e.t.f.j. always reassured me then that he'll be back and so as this arvin. but with e.t.f.j. it ended up me crying. and that's what's driving me crazy now. what if somewhere along the way, arvin realizes that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore? what if he just stops texting? he doesn't know that it will break my heart because in an unexplainable way, he's able to make me smile like i've never had before.

so i wasn't able to do anything today. i got up, tanghali na. and when i woke up, i was still thinking of him. especially when he texted me that he's scared to miss me. what could that possibly mean? i was waiting patiently for him to text me. and when he did, i got all excited. in the middle of our conversation, my mom called. and i don't know why but i told my mom i have a boyfriend. hahaha. but of course i took it back. i don't have one and i don't think i'm even close to having one.

i was expecting that i won't be able to have to chance to talk to him anymore, at least today but then somehow we still ended up talking. i was trying to help him fall asleep. but actually, i just wanted to hear his voice. that voice that makes all my walls fall down... that voice that makes me think of him while i was talking to him. crazy!!!

and out of nowhere, we started laughing. and i don't know why but i just said, i'm your friendly neighbor. and that made both of us laugh really hard. so from then on, we own that line - i'm your friendly neighbor. we laughed and laughed and together it made music.

he's always thinking that he's not good enough... and asked him, whoever said that? and he said everytime he looks at the mirror, he's reminded that he's not good enough. and from somewhere in my heart i just said, i'll send this flying something to houston to remind him that he is good enough. and we laughed again.

probably, it was just my desperate way to make him think of me somehow. what has happened to me??? ayayay!!!

so while we were talking, we ended up with his favorite movie - cast away. and i told him how much i love wilson, the ball. and he said he would get me one for my birthday. and i told him you better mean it, otherwise you'll break my heart and i would tell dice about it. hahaha. ay! crazy ko na talaga no?

and the highlight of the evening was when patrick was "talking" and i couldn't help but laugh and this arvin was laughing with me. somehow, i was able to share with him the joy of being a mom. and when i found out that it's pretty late and the two of them, patrick and arvin were still pretty much up. i said, i have to people here who want to sleep yet they can't sleep. and they are both driving me crazy. so arvin said, by the time patrick's asleep, i'll probably be asleep as well...

when patrick finally slept, we were still on the phone. but he was quiet already. i'm not sure though if he has fallen already but i just kept quiet, listening to the sounds both of them were making. i didn't know if he knew i was still there but it doesn't really matter. there was this moment then that i was smiling, seeing my son sleeping and hoping and imagining that arvin was too. and i wanted to cry because it was so perfect...

so there, there... hopeless romantic me. where is this leading to? i don't know but i sure hope it leads to something that would make me happy. for the record, this is just a one way thing. i don't think he likes me. i think he's just really sweet.

by the way, patrick is doing great. he's all eager to grow up. he moves a lot and talks a lot... things that my parents are looking forward to see this wednesday.

good night arvin. have the sweetest dreams. sleep well.

day 12: a tiring day for baby patrick

2004-04-05T00:24:00.000-07:00

it's sunday and patrick had gone to so many places today... therefore, he's very much asleep right now.

at first, we went to a chinese restaurant for lunch and had some dimsum... (thanks ryanini for the spelling check. nabobobo na ako!!!) then we went to the mall... then to church... then to my other aunt's place... for a baby, that could be really tiring. but patrick still managed to smile a lot to all the people he sees. what a charmer?!

so we got home, it's just the two of us again... well, at least til wednesday. uuwi na sila e. then my parents will be here na. i'm surprising my mom with flowers that will be delivered on thursday and monday (for easter) i love surprises!!! i just think my mom deserves these little things so that she would always be reminded that patrick and i loves her so much.

well, a new friend from friendster who happens to be an indian shared me something i didn't know about my name. let me know what you think.

nina
beautiful eyes with sight,
goddess of beautiful eyesight

anyway, just when i was thinking of this arvin... again!!! he texted me and that made me smile... again!!! wala lang. just wanted to share.

day 11: there's no stopping him

2004-04-04T23:25:00.000-07:00

i failed to mentioned that my aunt played hide and seek... so, patrick was laughing until this one time that he was really nagulat that he cried. you should have seen his face... nagulat talaga! nakakatawa na nakakaawa.

well, we didn't do much. we just stayed at home and watched t.v. patrick slept most of the day. nagpapalaki kasi! hahaha. and my aunt and i were so glued on the t.v. because there was an ice skating special again.

that night, my father texted me again. it was nothing really sweet but i was happy just to know that he remembered me.

oh yeah... i just have to share something, the guy that i was talking about - arvin, is really sweet and thoughtful. for some reasons, he makes me feel good. i haven't seen him yet i already feel so comfortable and all. he seems to be that someone i've always wanted to meet... someone who thinks of you in the middle of a traffic jam... someone who pays attention to the littlest details about you... someone who seems to always treat you like a queen... ay... do you know the feeling that everything around you seems to be beautiful? and there's like this happy song always playing on your mind? though i'm not really thinking of anything romantic that could go on between the two of us... i'm so eager to know him better. i feel sorry for those people who treated him so badly... those who dumped him because they think he's not good enough for them. they don't know what they're missing. maybe you're thinking that i've fallen or gone crazy already. if i have, is there something wrong with that? as far as i know, it's nice to have "met" this person who in so many ways makes me believe that there are so many "unusually good" people that you could meet in this world and that makes life wonderful!

here's a really nice song. i just feel like singing it:

You've Made Me So Very Happy

I lost at love before
Got mad and closed the door
But you said try, just once more

I chose you for the one
Now we're having so much
You treated me so kind
I'm about to lose my mind
You made me so very happy
I'm so glad you came into my life

The others were untrue
But when it came to loving you
I'd spend my whole life with you
'cause you came and took control
You touch my very soul
You always showed me that loving you is where it's at

You made me so very happy
I'm so glad you came into my life

Thank you baby!
Yeah, yeah

I love so much you see
You're even in my dreams, i can hear
Baby, i can hear you calling me
I'm so in love with you, all i ever want to do is
Thank you baby, thank you baby

You made me so very happy
I'm so glad you came into my life
You made me so very happy
You made me so, so very happy baby
I'm so glad you came into my life

I wanna thank you baby
Everyday of my life
I wanna thank you
You made me so very happy
So very happy baby
I wanna spend my life thanking you

Thank you baby
Thank you baby

day 10: long distance call to the philippines

2004-04-04T22:44:00.000-07:00

again, we spent the weekend at my aunt's place... and to their surprise, patrick has grown a lot. just look at one week can do...

well, he looked a lot bigger... with those chubby cheeks and double chin. hahaha. made him even cuter.

he is making a lot of sounds. the book says that once a baby starts to realize that he could make sounds, he will keep on doing it because he likes hearing himself. so that's what patrick did, he kept on talking and talking. he sometimes sounds like he's crying but actually he's just trying to talk.

while we were having dinner, i had to make him sit on my lap. patrick now knows what food is. and he wanted to grab the sandwhich i was having as well as the can of softdrinks on the table. you could see it in his eyes that he want to eat already. and the whole time, i felt bad saying, "sorry baby, you can't have any."

lastly, when we were trying to put him asleep, he was so restless. he didn't want to sleep but we could tell that he was so sleepy already. i then asked my mom to call me from the philippines. i made her talk to patrick... like magic, after putting down the phone, patrick slept. it turns out that my mom saw a kid on their way to neuva ecija and was thinking of patrick. diba they say na if someone is thinking of you, napapatid ka or nasasamid. sa case nilang maglola, hindi mapakali si patrick!!! hahaha.

i love their closeness and bond... patrick seems to feel what my mom feels. and that's good. i have nothing against it. i'm just so glad that my mom loves him so much... just as much as she loves me.

have i told you lately that i love you

2004-04-02T02:45:00.000-08:00

inspired by the movie "what a girl wants"

my day ends with a surprising message from my dad:

how are you?
i love you.
i miss you.

is there any better way to end the day?

day 9: missing them

2004-04-02T02:32:00.000-08:00

i didn't feel like doing anything today. i just watched t.v. movies actually, thanks a million to adelphia's movie channels.

i called my parents who are still in the philippines. i just had to let them know that i miss them already. it has been really lonely being "alone" in this big house. i also asked them if they still got plans of extending another day or two. it turns out, they miss patrick too much to stay away from him any longer. yehey!!!

a text message from "someone" made me smile, made me feel good, made me kilig. this someone is a cousin of my friend dice. though nothing romantic is going on, it wouldn't harm if i make such a big deal on this kind of things. hehehe. sadly, this very sweet and thoughtful person is often taken for granted by women he meets. it then made me think, how could these women fail to see the kindness of this person. i mean, for someone whom i've just spoken once, it's very considerate of him to check on us every so often. he manages to include us in his thoughts....

looking forward to meet and get to know you better, arvin.

then came the rain that washed away every thought of loneliness and gave me hope that someday... i'll have someone to have and hold.

final destination 2

2004-04-02T02:18:00.000-08:00

i came across this movie after watching a cute teen flick, lizzie mcguire movie. i was intrigued by the predicament of the female character, kim.

it was a year ago that a plane crashed and several students who were supposed to be there had experienced a twist of fate. yes, they may have escaped eath the first time but mysteriously each one of these "survivors" died in rather unsual deaths.

just before kim headed the freeway, she had a premonition that there will be a major vehicular accident causing sevral deaths. she saw how each one faced death, unprepared.

therefore, she tried to change the course of fate by preventing the accident from happening but of course, if it's bound to happen, it will happen. there was no stopping death from getting the souls of those who are on "the list".

bottomline: to save a life, another must be taken. watching this movie scared me to death! there's no way you can escape death. the more you try to alter how things are bound to be, the more catastrophe it would cause. it would be better to just embrace it - your destiny.

day 8: oh no!!!

2004-04-02T02:00:00.000-08:00

i wasn't able to sleep well because i was getting lonely. i think i watched too much feel-good movies. baliktad ang naging effect sa akin. instead of me feeling all jolly, it made me wonder if i will ever feel that way.

i only fell asleep when i stared at patrick sleeping so peacefully. it made me teary-eyed. before i knew it, i've fallen asleep already.

morning: i wanted to be lazy and just stay in bed the whole day but patrick insisted that i get up. hehehe. he wanted to start the day already - that means i have to get uo and bring him outside, to the family room so that he could play. upon my angel's request, i got up and placed him on his walker while i get the mail and cook my meal for the day - thanks to microwavable dinners, a.k.a. tv dinners.

but just before the sunset, i looked at patrick's room... and i couldn't stand it anymore. it was too chaotic. it was time! i just had to fix it... now! so, i brought out all his things... gifts from the party, clothes: old and new. i then assembled storage boxes so that i could sort his clothes: newborn (0-3 months), small (3-6 months), medium (6-9 months) and large (9-12 months) folded each one of them. kept those that are "newborn", made the "small" one for pambahay, the "medium" ones as panlakad and the "large" kept for future use. i laso had to wash the new ones and mix and match his shirts with his pants.

surprisingly, i was able to finish everything. therefore, i rewarded myself with a relaxing dip on the tub with lots of bubbles and candles. the works...

enough said...

day 7: feeling better

2004-03-30T23:11:00.000-08:00

patrick is feeling better today... yehey!!!

but i wasn't able to do much. just did the laundry and uploaded our pictures. i was taking pictures of patrick and realized that i'm running out of space on my memory sticks. they were all full. i had to take his pictures today since he's now 16 weeks old. i take his pictures every week to see how much he has developed.

just last week, he still wasn't as active as he is now. now, kaya niya ng dumapa mag-isa ng hindi naiipit ang kamay niya. i just leave him on his gym mat and it becomes kinda automatic for him na dumapa. he could also walk around, 360 degrees, with his walker. he also plays with the toys attached to his walker.

his skin is getting better now. he used to have rashes on his cheeks and scalp (cradle cap). they are almost gone. he looks a lot cuter now. of all the thing naman kasi na mamanahin sa akin, why my sensitive skin pa? hehehe.

bottomline: we're still very much ok. and i think that made my parents consider extending a day or two.

cutie pictures of patrick

2004-03-30T23:09:00.000-08:00

pictures from the party

2004-03-30T22:50:00.000-08:00

mommy making sure everything is ok...

the party was a triple celebration.
55th birthday of my mom and stepdad
and of course, the christening of my baby

this was his cake...
thanks to goldilocks!

there were over 60 balloons.
this one was specially bought for patrick.

i made this sign frame!!!
cutie!

i also made this...
this is where to put the cards, some with money
for patrick

this the centerpiece for each table.
there were 18 of them.

not yet, baby

2004-03-30T00:50:00.000-08:00

before patrick slept. we had a "moment", a happy moment. i was tickling him with his rattle we call mr. froggy. he was giggling and i felt life crying just straring at my baby. it was tears of joy. to see this beautiful miracle smiling back at me. whatever did i do to deserve this wonderful gift?

my baby is so eager to grow up. he wants to do a lot of things that he's still very much too young to do. i tell him, "anak, wag ka naman magmadali. baby ka lang muna. mamaya nyan, binatilyo ka na. tapos mawawalan na ako ng baby..."

but no matter what, he'll always be my baby also, the one man in my life.

frustration

2004-03-30T00:15:00.000-08:00

i don't know if any of you watch figureskating... my aunt is such a big fan of michelle kwan. i enjoy watching too.

it was the finals of the world championship and there was a three-hour special. of course we were rooting for michelle kwan who was running for her 6th world championship title. we then found out that she was penalized for exceeding 2 seconds during the short program. on the other hand, sasha cohen, michelle kwan's greatest competitor performed beautifully.

sasha is known for her spiral that's so perfectly done. she skates pretty well except when she gets nervous. she was able to beat michelle once in another competition but for this competition, she was very determined to get the gold. so after the short program, she was first on the standings. michelle on fourth because of the deductions made. you could see in sasha's eyes the confidence that this will be her year-she'll get the gold. well, that's what she thought...

before her, a japanese by the name akanawa (not sure) skated so beautifully that it astonished everyone. it was very impressive and her scores were pretty high. this gave sasha cohen the shakes. she has to skate without committing any errors otherwise, this newcomer will take away the gold medal she wanted so badly. sasha, as always, got nervous, committed a mistake. a big mistake. she fell. and the caused a lot of deductions... it made her fall second on the standings.

michelle came after. just when she was on the rink, a man dressed as a female came up with with something written on his chest. it was like a set-up to make michelle lose her concentration. at first she was furious but she needed to calm down otherwise, her performance will be badly affected. known for her strong will-power, michelle came back to the rink with a smile. she danced beautifully and got really high scores. it wasn't enough though to make her number one.

i then watched sasha cohen's reaction. she seemed like she cried but didn't want the media to see it. she wanted so badly to beat michelle kwan. she thought she had the edge when michelle was penalized. she became confident. she never thought that a japanese would beat her. from nowhere, this japanese skater rose and took away her dream of becoming the champion. i felt so bad for her. i saw it in her eves... disappointment and frustration. bad combination! she must be really depressed now.

for michelle, even with the deductions and the "side show" that was supposed to distract her, she still managed to land third overall-a bronze medalist. this just proves how wonderful a skater she is...

day 6: sick baby

2004-03-30T00:09:00.000-08:00

patrick was doing fine this morning. i didn't notice anything unusual. so i gave him a bath. i had planned to do a lot of things sana for the day. but then in the afternoon, he started being fussy. he cried a lot. he always wants me to carry him. i checked his temperature and i found out that he has fever. i called my mom and told her about. i wasn't that worried but i wanted to make sure that i know what to do. i gave him medicine, turned on the air humidifier and monitor his temperaure. he got better... and this evening, he was into playing again. pilit na dumadapa everytime i place him on his gym mat then cried pag naiinis na siya kasi hindi siya makabangon. he was also able to make a 360 degrees turn with his walker. that's a long walk for a baby who in the first place shouldn't be walking yet. eager baby e!

day 5: holy day

2004-03-29T23:59:00.000-08:00

sunday: he woke up with a fever. my aunt got worried but she was amazed to see that patrick liked his medicine. my aunt then carried him the whole time kasi kawawa naman daw. he slept so soundly. when we were eating, i had to make him sit on my lap. he wanted to grab the food. "baby, too early! you're just three months old." i looked at his eyes and see how curious he was especially when we were eating ice cream to cool us from the really warm waether. my aunt said, "hmmm... mukhang sanay sa ice cream a. siguro pinapatikim ka ng papa ed (my stepdad) ng ice cream" we could see that he was familiar with the look of the bowl and teaspoon.

we went to the church. i was worried that he might cry or get uneasy while the mass was going on. but he was just quiet and observing the surroundings. something new to him. he slept during the mass and only woke up just before it ended. there was a little girl in front of us who smiled at him. that little girl reached for his hand and patrick reached for hers as well. cutie! i wish i has my camera!

when we got home, it's back to being just the two of us again. he didn't sleep right away. i guess he was looking for my aunt and uncle.

day 4: father figure

2004-03-29T23:52:00.000-08:00

how important is it to have a father figure?

still at my aunt's place, patrick spent a lot of time with his mama beth and papa nani. they were so fond of him. i'm not surprised! kasi naman this baby is so lambing. i was touched when i saw my uncle carry him. he was once scared of carrying him because he lookd so fragile. but no that he's grown a lot already, he didn't mind anymore. my uncle would bring him out to their backyard, watch basketball and golf with him and talk to him as if patrick could understand him already. the likes of: "magliligpit na tayo ng mga plato", "mag iihaw na tayo sa labas" action words that would sound cute if a father would say that to his son. whenever patrick was with my aunt, my uncle would call him and patrick would get so excited, shouting, and trying to jump to my uncle. i then realized that patrick must have been attracted to my uncle's voice, a male's voice since it has just been me he's hearing and seeing lately.

day 3: playtime

2004-03-29T23:30:00.000-08:00

last friday, all we did was play, play, play.

morning: i packed our things since we'll be spending the weekend at my aunt's place. this will be patrick's first "overnight." (a weekend out of the house) i bought a lot of extra's. babies could be pretty unpredictable so it's better to have more than what's needed than go unprepared in case something comes up. after making sure that everything's in our bag, i gave him a bath. he played with his rubber duckies.

afternoon: since i know that it will take me a day or two to finish fixing and cleaning patrick's room, i decided to just leave it messy. hehehe. mabibitin lang ako pag simulan ko pa. i just took a bath and promised patrick that we'll go out. when he saw me dressing up kasi, he started to cry. he probably thought i was going to leave him. i brought the stroller out. we went around the block three times. bihira kasi kaming maarawan at mahanginan since we always stay inside the house. patrick got excited seeing and hearing a lot of things. very much different from what's inside the house. by the time i got home, he was asleep already but woke up agad when i got inside the house.

evening: we waited for my aunt. i was a bit sleepy but patrick was all active. i could sense that he wanted to play some more. so i placed him on his walker. i then made funny faces and sounds. he chuckled alot and that drove me crazy. he has the cutest smile and the sweetest laughter.

sleeping time: we had a hard time sleeping. namamahay kasi. he is so used to sleeping on the floor ar at least a mattress that's firm. the one my aunt had in the guest room was too soft for him so we has to toss and turn every 15 minutes until i decided to just let him sleep on my chest. nakakaawa na kasi. he was so sleepy yet he could find the right position.

hassle!!!

2004-03-25T22:49:00.000-08:00

my mom called me from the philippines. she told me what happened to them at the airport. their things were held sa customs. those people naman didn't bother telling them that there's a "problem" na pala. my parents then waited until there's no one left from the flight but them. wala iyong gamit nila sa carousel. my mom was so furious! can you blame her? when asked where their things are, nakita nila their boxes, binutasan ng mga loko. my mom then asked if any of the items they brought are taxable... wala naman! they just said "ma'am, sir, ok na yan. kayo na bahala sa merienda namin" garapalan silang humingi ng lagay. kainis!!!

sumbong ako agad sa "friend" ko who works at the office of the ombudsman. so early in the morning, ginising ko siya. and at the end of our conversation, i paused and said sorry for waking him up. i just got carried away. pero sweet naman ang sagot niya e... well, sa text na...

i was awake na.
but to wake up hearing your sweet angelic voice,
feels heavenly.
honestly, i felt like kissing you.
wishful thinking lang naman yon.
walang masama.

bola!!! sobra!!!

day 2: still alive

2004-03-25T21:38:00.000-08:00

patrick and i are starting to have a routine already which makes it easy for me to do things...

he sleeps at around 10 or 11 pm. he will then stay asleep through the night and wake up at around 6 am. i'll just give him his milk and he'll go back to sleep. that gives us a few more hours of sleep. then it's kinda automatic... we'll both wake up at around 9 or 10 am. say our good morning greetings with a smile, cuddle for awhile as we get up and face a brand new day... together!

we'll go then to the family room where all his toys are: his gym mat, bounder, walker and playpen with all his other toysies. i'll let him play while i get the mail and newspaper. i'll feed him then let him take a nap while i have my brunch. when he wakes up, i give him a bath. he loves the water and all the rubber duckies. i'll feed him again and he'll sleep... that gives me time to do things.

and this afternoon, i exercised again. hahaha. determined to lose some pounds and inches!!! took a bath after. we stayed in my room so that i could fix my closet. he just watched t.v. (this early, t.v. addict already!!!) when he gets bored, he calls me then i'll get his walker so that he could play and exercise (to strengthen his leg muscles)

before i knew it, the day is almost over. and here i am again posting this. i'm just so proud and happy to say that my son is not giving me a hard time... now that it's just the two of us.

i'm seeing a wonderful future ahead of us. even if it's just the two of us... no husband for me... no father for him... if God wills it to be that way, i wouldn't mind. He has blessed me with so much already... i just look at my son and i say, what did i do to deserve this??? nothing really. it's just God is so good...

home alone: day 1

2004-03-24T18:22:00.000-08:00

last night, patrick knew that his papa ed and mama els were leaving. he was more malambing than usual to them. when they left, he cried and cried for no reason. i mean he isn't hungry... wet... tired... sleepy... or bored. i think he just knew that they were gone. my mom called for the last time before their plane leaves. she was crying... she talked to patrick. he stopped and listened. after that, patrick just slept.

today...

this morning, we woke up with smiles on our faces. the usual "good morning" greetings we have. i breathed deeply and said, this is it. it's just the two of us in this big house.

patrick didn't give me a hard time. i didn't have to carry him a lot. he just slept and played the whole day. he sometimes shout, calling me to play with him.

i was able to do a lot... print all the pictures i have to send to the philippines, do the laundry, wash patrick's bottle, prepare his formula, and post this. i still have lots of time to fix my room then his... did i mention, i was able to watch t.v. while doing a cardio routine. that would help me lose weight and get back to shape. yehey!!!

so ironic: i get to do more now that it's just me and patrick than when my mom and stepdad were here. i also don't feel lonely.

first love never dies....

2004-03-24T01:37:00.000-08:00

tsong,

I had a dream. I don't think its weird or anything but it is unusual. I dreamt that I saw you and you were walking towards a garden filled with white roses, so I followed you and I kept calling your name but you kept on walking and a moment later you were gone. I felt sad and I sat on the garden playing with the roses then after a long time I saw you again and you were calling me, asking me to follow you so I did and when I caught up with you, you fell in my arms and you were starting to fall asleep but before you closed your eyes, you asked me why I took so long, and that you were tired and you're glad that I came...then I woke up.

And now, I can't stop thinking about you. When are you coming home?

that was an email from my first boyfriend, my one great love, my R.B.P...

and yeah, i am frustrated that we didn't end up together. sometimes, i still wish that we would someday.

wake up call

2004-03-22T13:39:00.000-08:00

early this morning my mom woke me up, big time, by saying this:

may sasabihin ako sa'yo.
si patrick....
nagiging kamukha na ni roderick.
iyang mga matang iyang pumupungay
kapag ngumingiti.

ok, ok. i don't mind. i have t o admit that roderick is really handsome. but of course patrick looks a lot better. hahaha.

kunin na mo [patrick] na lahat [facial features] sa daddy mo,
wag lang ugali at kamandag [sa babae]....

ok, i'm awake now! and i'm glad that i have my son. roderick can't take him away from me... not now... not ever...

what could be more important than our son?

2004-03-21T13:27:00.000-08:00

another son???

i just can't comprehend this...

he has both parents - a father and a mother to bring him up right. he graduated from a catholic school where my brothers, my father and the rest of jimenez clan graduated from (excluding me). he is a college graduate - dlsu - csb. as far as i know, he is mentally healthy, very much sane.

what am i driving at?

i don't get it! why can't he act like a father to my son?!?! what the hell is wrong with him? while everyone loves our son so much, some even willing to be a "father" to him, here he is, the biological father who couldn't care less. who hasn't told his family about patrick. who i bet, at this very moment is f***ing someone without fear that he might get this woman pregnant.

i could go on forever saying a lot of sordid things about him but no words or means could show just how much pain he has caused me, especially with regards to our son.

given that i called at the worst time of the day, he could have talked to me decently and explained. i would have listened and had some compassion towards him. but he never gave me the chance to understand what exactly is going on. he just pushed me away just like he did before... and i don't think he'll ever want me or our son in his life.

i ask myself, why???

what an a**hole?!?!

2004-03-19T21:35:00.000-08:00

i regret doing it but i tried calling roderick to talk to him about our son and what his plans are... this is what i got:

"nina, mamaya nalang yan.
tumawag ka nalang ulit.
may pupuntahan ako.
paalis na ako.
mamaya na yan"

and i haven't even said anything yet. i just said hello. he made me sound as if i'm demanding a lot from him. all i wanted was for him to talk to his son so that in some ways they'll have that father and son bonding...

what he did was way too much... i've had enough! i've done my part! i can't take it anymore! if he doesn't want his son to be part of his life then he'll never hear from us again! never!

i don't know

2004-03-19T02:25:00.000-08:00

it just dawned on me, would it be better to live a lie especially if it makes you feel good than to face the reality that things are all f***ed up?

woman's intuition

2004-03-19T00:52:00.000-08:00

did you ever get the feeling that your partner is fooling around? or having an affair?

it's been awhile since the last time i've been in a relationship. and it was too short to remember anything other than the fact that it ended with me getting pregnant. hahaha. but there was a time that i had an intuition that my ex was dating someone else and i was right. he told me about it after we broke up, saying "it was nothing serious". sure!!! asshole!!!

well, my mom got this feeling that my stepdad is fooling around. and i always ask her, are you sure? do you have proof?

she will "feel" it then she'll gather "evidences" to prove it. so for someone like me who is clueless, i'll probably believe her. but then if it all started with an intuition, would that be enough to conclude anything? what if she's just being paranoid? after all, she's been fooled several times. but can you blame her? my stepdad has a bad history when it comes to women.

well, well, well... if i do catch him doing something, he better call all the saints he knows because i'll make sure that he'll suffer really hard and regret that he's still alive. hahaha. kidding aside, i wouldn't allow him to hurt my mom again. never! not in this lifetime!

i just miss my dad

2004-03-19T00:46:00.000-08:00

since i got a new mobile number, i thought of texting my dad. i was excited. asked him if he wanted anything so that i could send it to him. told him that i miss him and i love him.

he replied. "i received your message. take care." and that's it.

i felt disappointed? sad? i don't know exactly what i felt. i just felt something that made me wanna cry...

test of strength

2004-03-18T00:03:00.000-08:00

when i found out that i was pregnant, i still found myself running to my mom for help, support, care and most especially love. this is despite the distance, geographical and emotional, that has grown between us through the years.

with her by my side, i had the strength to leave roderick and decide to raise our son alone. she assured me that she'll be there for me, for us. and that's all i needed then to go on.

after i've given birth, i told myself, the storm is over. we finally made it to see the rainbow...

just before we could fully enjoy its beauty, dark, gloomy clouds once more appeared in the horizon. and i've got a feeling that this time, it has got plans of staying for a longer time.

my mom and stepdad fought. it wasn't the first. since i got here, i've seen these fights worsen with time. and of course, this is breaking my heart. i don't want to see my mom in pain especially if it's caused by a man who i'll always see as the one who took my mom away from me. i "gave in" thinking that this guy will love my mom, make her happy, take care of her, treat her right. and to see that i was wrong, kills me.

while other girls my age were playing with their dolls, i was exposed to something that made me age sooner than i should. a young mind wouldn't understand what's going on and why it was happening.

i saw how my father physically and emotionally abused my mother. i remember hiding my head under the pillow, crying because i just felt how strong my father banged my mother's head, forcing her to make love with him. using all his might to get what he wants. i was very much awake to see these disturbing images and hear every sound my mom made even the way her tears fell on her cheeks. they didn't know that i was praying, begging God to make me fall asleep so that when i wake up, it would be over.

when it came to a point that my mom couldn't take any of these anymore, she had to make the biggest decision in her life. and that's to leave. i didn't stop her. i love her so much and the only way i knew to show it was to let her find happiness... she deserved it.

years gone by and my mother has missed out on so many things in my life. it came to a point that i wasn't looking for her anymore. and no matter how hard she tried to make up for it, it's impossible! lost time is lost time. you can never turn back the hands of time.

i though, promised myself that after i graduate from college, i'll be with my mom again. we'll travel and see the world together. but i got pregnant. we would have to postpone this, at least for now.

i would like to save her from the misery she's in right now. if only i knew what's the best thing to do. she fells like giving up but i tell her, she shouldn't. i'll be here. we could survive even without him. i just know we could. if it takes being strong for her, then i will just as long as we're together.

HaPpY sT. pAtRiCk'S dAy

2004-03-17T23:56:00.000-08:00

honestly, i don't know what's so special with st. patrick's day. i have to research on that. but this day made me realize that God gave me my son, Patrick for a reason.

my mom and stepdad had a pretty bad fight this morning. knowing my mom, it could have driven her crazy if patrick and i weren't around. as much as i want to comfort my mom, i couldn't because i myself am wondering what's the best thing to do with their situation. thank God patrick was and is around to keep us sane, to make us smile, to give us reason to live. patrick is our little angel sent from up above.

afraid to be wrong

2004-03-16T19:43:00.000-08:00

surprisingly, my niece kym asked me about something that we don’t usually talk about. and i’m not quite sure if i told her the right things. Anyway, she’s intelligent. i’m sure she’ll think things first before actually believing in it.

“ate, bakit ang mga babae martyr?”

hmm… are women naturally martyr? here’s how I see it. women are made to have a high tolerance for pain. may it be physical (eg. giving birth), or emotional. men on the other hand were made to be physically and mentally stronger and be there to protect and provide for women. does that make any sense? is that fair? are men and women equal?

men and women tend to be complement each other. what women doesn’t have, probably the men does.

in the bible it was said that,”it is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a suitable companion to help him.” (Genesis 2:18)

the bible even has a full description of a capable wife (Proverb 21:10-31) and the most important of it all is this:

“Charm is deceptive and beauty disappears
but a woman who honors the Lord
should be praised.
Give her credit for all she does.
She deserves the respect from everyone.”

I guess that pretty much says it all…

while they are out

2004-03-16T19:41:00.000-08:00

my parents will be gone for two weeks. i made a list of things that i'n planning to do. I hope that I’ll be able to accomplish any of these:

* study for my driving test
* exercise and diet
* spring cleaning
* fix my closet and drawers
* fix patrick’s closet and drawers
* print pictures
* fix my photo album
* fix patrick’s photo album
* fill up some pages of patrick’s baby book
* make testimonials (friendster)
* read books and widen my vocabulary
* find a job, or anything I could earn from
* fix the requirements I need for school

depression

2004-03-16T19:39:00.000-08:00

i remember something my professor in sociology taught in class not so long ago…

those who haven’t achieved anything because they don’t know what they want get more depressed than those who know what they want, tried but failed.

think about it, makes sense! we live for a reason. and if we don’t know what it is, it is as good as not living at all.

frustrations

2004-03-16T15:19:00.000-08:00

is nothing more than the difference between expectations and reality

i remember my friend, dice sharing this quotation during those days when i felt sad and lonely. actually it was during those days when i wanted so badly to go back in the philippines. either that or just disappear. that's because i can't take the life here anymore. hahaha. anyway, i told dice that i've made a list of my greatest frustrations in life. and she said "that can't be good." then i told her, i just have to. writing them makes me feel that i'll get over it. and guess what, it worked!

at this very moment, i'm trying to make another list and it turns out that i can't. it's like i have a different attitude now towards things that doesn;t work out the way i want them to.

well, here are some of the things i've written then. as young as 21, who would have thought i could have these many frustrations already.

* loyalty award in dlsu - i had to terms left
* working in pldt - during the final interview, i had an emotional breakdown
* relationship with my first boyfriend, RBP - first love never dies
* JERL - can't tell who he is but he was almost perfect for me only he didn't like me. hahaha.
* perfect attendance in zobel - tardiness??? me???
* dancing professionally - the dancing instructor wanted me to be his partner in competing nationally but the academic adviser thought that it would distract me from my studies
* facial ad and cover for a magazine
* child actress - who knew i auditioned for darna as the young narda? hahaha.
* perfect family - ok, it's beyond my control. i was born with it

so now i realized that it's never too late to dream new dreams, more dreams. something to look forward to. life has a lot to offer. i may have missed out on so many thing but i believe that there's still a great future waiting for me.

mr. destiny

2004-03-16T15:04:00.000-08:00

i saw this movie just recently. i never really appreciated it not until the ending where the messages go something like:

you'll never know what you got til it's gone
- the main character was given a chance to change his destiny. he went for the things that he wanted but didn't have in real life thinking that it would make him happy. but in the end, it didn't. because in real life, he already had what he needed to be complete... he just didn't know he had it all along.

you've got your whole life to look forward to
- some of us are too eager thinking that we have missed out on so many things. we don't realize that life has more to offer. we just need to be a little patient. of course things don't always work out the way we want them to but it doesn't mean that it's the end of the world. just wait and see...

things will work out fine
- they say that life has a cycle: ups and downs. so when things are going against you, don't worry! eventually, it will get better.

room for mistakes

2004-03-16T14:58:00.000-08:00

in the past year, i had to make three of the biggest decisions in my life.

* leave roderick - the ex-boyfriend, the father of my son
* quit school - say goodbye to my loyalty award
* migrate to the u.s. - a world far off from the world i've always known loved

it was not until recently that these things hit me. i ask myself, did i make a mistake? or did i do what was best and right for me?

i have to admit that i wasn't thinking straight when i made these decisions but i'll stand by them with the hope that just in case i'm wrong, it's acceptable. for in life, there could be room for mistakes.

so many thoughts, too little time

2004-03-16T14:53:00.000-08:00

sounds pathetic?

i list down things that i want to think or write about. afraid that i might miss out on some good thought, idea or feeling. wouldn't it be great if i had "someone" to share these with other than my computer?

the power of blogging!!!

you get to express yourself, people get to know you better. what more can you ask for?

whoever thought of blogging is genius

and i can't believe that i'm brave enough to share myself with almost anyone.

all ready for the party

2004-03-11T15:51:00.000-08:00

i'm almost done with the so many things i need for saturday... yehey! it's been keeping me busy these past few days. i'm so excited! i so love preparing for parties, taking care of the decorations and making the give aways. i think i was made to do these stuffs. i'm happy with it and in return the quality of my work is simply great. if only i could do this for a living... i wouldn't mind not sleeping and eating just because i ought to finish my projects. hahaha. well, just imagine my glow now. it's been a while since the last time i've done something i could be proud of.

wait, wait, wait! i haven't forgotten about my one great love... PATRICK!!!

HaPpY tHrEe MoNtHs, BabY!!!

2004-03-09T01:11:00.000-08:00

party! party!

2004-03-09T00:10:00.000-08:00

i've been really busy lately since there will be a party this saturday. it's a joint birthday celebration for my mom and stepdad but most importantly, it's to celebrate the christening of my son.

i'm so excited!!! although it could be really stressful to prepare for it, i don't really mind. i love the adrenalin rush. hehehe. i'd rather be drowning with a million things to do than feeling useless and worthless, again and again.

we are expecting 130 guests! hmm... a lot!

so here are the things i have to consider and/or take care of:
* souvenirs (84 pieces)
* centerpiece (18 tables)
* flower arrangements
* transportation of 2 cakes
* transportation of 60 balloons
* guestbook
* sign frame
* banner
* streamers
* thank you cards
* my son!!! (of course!)

mommy and baby patrick

2004-03-05T08:47:00.000-08:00

yesterday... i felt like singing so i brought out our magic mic and sang. ok, maybe i sound so awful that's why patrick woke up. hehehe. so what did i do? i sang children songs the likes of old macdonald had a farm; the farmer in the dell; row, row, row your boat; hokey pokey (with the shake it all about); london bridge and lots lots more. it was fun!

then in the afternoon, i gave patrick a bath.

honestly, it was my first. it has always been my mom who gives patrick a bath. i, on the other hand just prepare the things and dress up patrick after his bath. i was afraid then that i might drown him or something. especially now that he's so heavy already and moves a lot. he might slip on the tub and get hurt. but i had to do it! i just had to. otherwise, i wouldn't learn, right?

it was again fun, fun, fun! we give him a bath upstairs where my mom has a jacuzzi. then we just place the baby tub inside. the result, i get wet too. it's like we're swimming only he has this dry area so that the water won't go to his face which he simply doesn't like.

after that bath, patrick slept well and i... i felt good.

me: then and now

2004-03-05T08:14:00.000-08:00

my mom was fixing her things. a box full of papers which seems like junk from the outside but is actually a lifetime treasure in the inside. it contains copies of my nanay's birth certificate, my nanay and lolo's marriage certificate, my cousin's birth certificate, my brothers' report cards together with the program for their award's night, my letters to my mom, some of which are just drawings since i was much too young to write then and my very first passport. i was laughing the whole time when i saw my picture. look! who wouldn't?

a glass of fresh lemonade

2004-03-02T12:33:00.000-08:00

hmmm... i just love this day. it started so right. though i wasn't able to get any sleep, everything just fell into place.

i made a glass of fresh lemonade... a mix of sweet and sour tastes, enough to wake me up and keep me up the whole day.

then, i decided to be productive. i cleaned the bathroom. scrubbed every corner and made sure that no area was left unturned. afterwards, i was all wet and dirty. the best thing to do of course was to take a bath. and that's just what i did. i had a warm and relaxing bath. it made me feel so good that i was singing when i went out of the bathroom.

there, there...

so, i was still up to working and doing things that i could be proud of at the end of the day. i then finished my "assignment". since i don't really do anything, no school, no work, well at least not yet, i help out in our home-based office. and somehow, i get paid since my stepdad pays for all my expenses.

just when i thought that i've had enough "good feeling - inducing things" for the day, a box arrived at our doorstep, its the DVD's of the first five seasons of SATC. what a great reward slash surprise for someone who thought not so long ago that her life has become so pathetic and boring?! harhar.

life's just so wonderful!!!

oh happy day

2004-03-01T21:41:00.000-08:00

i've noticed that my entries have always been about something sad or frustrating. rarely do i talk about good things happening in my life.

well, for these past few days, i've been in a good mood. nothing really great happened but i just feet good... singing, dancing, smiling and laughing... good indication that i'm perfectly fine.

an offer

2004-03-01T06:48:00.000-08:00

a guy, a fine man in the philippines offered me something that could be pretty tempting. some people may find me stupid for turning it down but then it just isn't me.

this guy wants me to go back to the philippines. he wants us to try things out. i mean, he wants me to spend time with him and if it works out perfectly, he will marry me and take full responsibility as the father of my son.

i have to admit that one of my many concerns is having a father for my son, may it be the real one or someone who would love him as if the same blood is running through their veins.

only second to that is having a husband. i think i will have a hard time finding one if i do decide to get married. like i said before, i still prefer marrying the father of patrick. but for some reasons, i'm losing hope. i have another option: to marry someone else. he has to love me enough to love my son as well though. but then, i don't want us, patrick and i to be too dependent on him, financially most especially. it just isn't fair to the guy. i want to prove to myself that i can take care of my son, even by myself. and of course there's always this last option. just stay single forever. i already have a son anyway.

things can get pretty tough especially that i'm alone in taking care and bringing up my son. i really wish i had someone. i'm a sentimental, hopeless romantic fool... i see moments with my son shared with a husband... our son's supposed to be brought into our lives out of love. i'm supposed to be married then fall deeply in love with my husband again and again everytime i see our son.

maybe if i were desperate, i could have grabbed this offer... someone kind enough to rescue me especially from the scrutiny of narrow-minded people who think so ill of me now just because i got pregnant early and outside of marriage. but then, it really isn't me. it just doesn't feel right.

pictures! pictures! pictures!

2004-02-29T05:07:00.000-08:00

when we got home, patrick and i were super tired but we still manage to take some crazy pictures of ourselves. for a picture freak like myself, it's simply a must that my son and i have as much pictures together as possible. i want to believe that these pictures will eventually prove that he looks like me. hahaha.